Question for retirees without children (by choice) (adult, grow up, husband)
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Would it make people mad if they did a story on women who regret not having them?
As a child free person myself, that would not make me mad. Why should it? Although none of my CF friends regret not having kids, I have read a couple of stories where people have. I know it happens sometimes.
More and more people are choosing not to have children. People who make this decision are often told they will:
1. Be lonely when they get "old"
2. Have nobody to take care of them when they get old.
3. Regret their decision later on in life.
So my question relates to above. Do you have any regrets in not having children?
No regrets. But I do worry about #2, sort of. I don't want anyone to take care of me, but as we age it gets harder to do stuff around the house. I wonder who is going to help us move out of here into an assisted living facility. I guess problems like that can be fixed with money.
A comment on your statement - it seems that having children so they can not be lonely or have someone to take of them are wrong reasons. It seems that having children should be more about you believing it will be a net positive thing for the world; that everyone will benefit from my kids, not just me.
I remember it too. Also there are Face Book groups and websites where people secretly post how unhappy they are being parents. I don't know but I wonder if these were people who just followed the life script and became parents just because it was expected of them and the thing to do rather than the result of thoughtful choice.
I think that is fairly common- people just kind of lump along with "They always said you were supposed to_____" and do what they think they are supposed to do.
I do believe that most parents have an animal-level love of their children but certainly may not like what being parents has done to their lives or relationships. Remember, it's only been a choice in a few selected countries and a few selected areas since the birth control pill became available (around 1960 in the U.S.) and there's only been a few decades where that choice has played out in the general social world (changes in women's work and legal rights, etc.).
I've known only a couple of men who really wanted to be parents (lost one of them to his desire and he loved his later fatherhood). I've never met a man who already had a child or two for whom having more was a must or even a suggestion. I do think already-fathers who are in the single world might assume that having another child is the price to pay for a younger/unchilded new wife. They also probably have a pretty good idea of how much hands-on care they aren't planning to do!
[quote=submart;49380087] I think 14% of women 45+ are not mothers.
QUOTE]
Couldn't find any verifying percentage (and that doesn't separate out those who desired parenthood but were medically unable) but I think the number is ever-increasing as people realize that it's a choice, not a given or a requirement.
The last people I want to take care of me in my old age are my children. My responsibility to them is to take good care of myself and use the money I saved for that reason. I educated them and they had no school debt. They have wonderful relationships and good jobs. If I have to spend all my $$ to not be a burden to them, which would appall me, then that is where my obligation lies.
Would it make people mad if they did a story on women who regret not having them?
Three out of five children on my mother's side, one son, two daughters, all married, never had children. I never heard one of them ever mention it. I've known many other people who've never had children as well. Again, I never heard one mention it, let alone voice regret. While I'm sure that there must be some out there who regret not having children, I believe that it would take more than a cursory search to find a sufficient number for an article.
My father's three siblings all had children, oodles of children: 3, 5, and 8. I heard all of them at one time or another voice regret, sympathy, and even sorrow that neither my mother's family members nor I had children. My late wife and I were at a paternal family gathering a few months after our marriage. Both of my aunts as well as the wife of my uncle all asked my wife if she were "expecting." When she replied in the negative, they all expressed extreme disappointment. The aunt-in-law audibly groaned—rather loudly as memory serves. Regret for not having children seems to come only from those who do. The same crew continually expressed sympathy for my parents and me because I had no siblings, a situation that pleased me very much.
I decided to give my answers to these tired old dumb questions because I've heard them all my life from clueless people. So to all the people who've ever said these things to me I wish you were here reading this. Here goes.
More and more people are choosing not to have children. People who make this decision are often told they will:
1. Be lonely when they get "old"
I'm old now. I'm not lonely.
2. Have nobody to take care of them when they get old.
I have options for this. I would rather have professionals who know what they're doing take care of me rather than family members who could drop me on my head trying to shift me around.
3. Regret their decision later on in life.
Nope, it's not going to get much later in my life and there are no regrets.
Minervah, I know this is an older post from you but it really hit home with me when I was caring for my hubby when he was so sick. Number one same here not lonely. Number two is the big one for me I am far from a professional and many medical procedures I had to do for him scared me half to death.I really did not like back flushing the drain in his bile duct and changing that bag several times a day.Not to mention his weight of almost two hundred pounds and he was helpless from so long in the hospital. I of course managed these things but I was very grateful the doctor also had a real nurse checking him twice a week.
I spoke to my financial planner and should be fine to hire some one for the care I will need down the road. Best thing for now is to stay as strong and healthy as possible.
And no regrets for no children. More I feel good for knowing when I was young and made sure kids did not happen.
I hope you have an advanced care directive written up. We just completed ours. What a relief! No worries my Mom can take over
I do. And I will refresh it when I move to Colorado in April, when I get a new doctor and all. My health care proxy remains in Massachusetts and I hope that's OK. I'll need a new will and executor and all.
There's a pervasive myth that people who choose not to have children will regret it, but I have yet to meet a childfree person who regretted their choice.
If you do a Google search for "I regret choosing not to have kids", you will get far fewer results than Googling "I regret having kids". Parents (especially moms) are coming out in droves to express their discontent, now that they have a forum to do so anonymously. There is a stigma against parents (especially women) admitting they regret having kids. Women are defined by motherhood and are brainwashed that motherhood is their only true path to fulfillment. We are also spoon fed romanticized ideals of what parenthood is and I think many people are disappointed when they discover that parenthood isn't the basket of puppies and rainbows it is portrayed to be, but rather an 18 year (and usually longer) period of emotional and financial exhaustion.
Childfree folks are often stereotyped for being selfish, but most parents have kids for selfish reasons, like the joy expect to get from it, having a little mini-me who reflects themselves back at them, passing on the family name and having someone to take care of them when they get old. But rarely is parenthood seen as a selfish choice. Parents are seen as selfless benefactors to humanity for taking care of their kids. The fact is, taking care of something that you create isn't being selfless. It's being responsible for what you have created. A truly selfless person would adopt a homeless child before creating a new one and bringing it into our already overpopulated world.
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I heard all of them at one time or another voice regret, sympathy, and even sorrow that neither my mother's family members nor I had children. My late wife and I were at a paternal family gathering a few months after our marriage. Both of my aunts as well as the wife of my uncle all asked my wife if she were "expecting." When she replied in the negative, they all expressed extreme disappointment. The aunt-in-law audibly groaned—rather loudly as memory serves. Regret for not having children seems to come only from those who do. The same crew continually expressed sympathy for my parents and me because I had no siblings, a situation that pleased me very much.
