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Same issues. I dream of living in a warmer climate near a larger city with lots to do (or even a 55+ community chock full of activities) while he wants to live in the old run down farmhouse he inherited (and grew up in) in a very small midwestern town.
I've agreed to try living there for a few years to see if I can take it. We will travel in the winter to different destinations for a few weeks to escape the gloomy weather here. My hope is that in our travels, we will find the perfect location that we both fall in love with. If not, we'll be fixing up the old farm house and I expect to continue to travel a lot as long as I am able.
We're still 3-5 years from retirement so much can change in that time frame. I'm trying to stay open minded.
Being Xers who went from crap jobs to the odd good job intermingled with crap jobs, no pensions, dim prospects for inheritance, higher and higher percentages of health care costs on us not companies, relatively high real estate basis (as compared with the typical Boomer who bought in during the 80s or earlier), etc, etc ... here's what our "Retirement Hierarchy of Needs" looks like:
1. Do we ever get to retire? (this is a variable dictated by a set of numbers - achieve the numbers and it's yes, don't achieve them, it's no).
2. We have Proposition 13 tax mitigation. What are our degrees of freedom to avoid a reset?
3. We are not going to be withering away out in the sticks. The time to be out in the sticks is < 50, worst case, < 60.
4. We don't care for Humid Continental Climates, nor do we care for most Humid Subtropical ones. We would accept the northern edge of Humid Subtropical if near the ocean (e.g. northern Mid Atlantic, NYC, etc). We can appreciate the inland areas of the Western US but don't really want to live there either. This narrows things down quite a bit. We are either going to be West Coast or a very small portion of the East Coast.
5. The last thing we need is a large living space, during the years where physical ability is declining. Furthermore, lighting and heating costs need to be constrained. Therefore, we need a single level, no more than about 1600SF. We could be OK down to just over 1000SF. So long as there are at least 1-1/2 bathrooms.
I've been talking to my wife for years about my retirement dreams. We were going to move to an active lifestyle community near a major city, going to professional sports events, volunteering a little, etc. I now know that she was just humoring me. She has no plans of moving from our college town, and she's not moving far from friends, family, etc. So, we've had some interesting conversations of late. There will be a compromise and I'll get part of my dream, she'll get part of hers. Finding a balance continues in retirement, obviously.
My DW does not like to think about retirement, which by necessity leaves me to do it. In fact, I enjoy thinking and planning about and for it. The problem is that her input is pretty much limited to her responses to my ideas. That has me a bit concerned. I view retirement as an incredible time. She views it as old age. Venus and Mars, I guess. As far as compatibility goes we have both compromised to achieve our mutual goals. I will need to get out of the ice locker each winter, I'm hoping for four months. Her concern is family and being away from them, and I do agree that is most important. I'm guessing friends and family will want to visit us and the door will be open. Otherwise, a three hour flight and we can be there.
My DW does not like to think about retirement, which by necessity leaves me to do it. In fact, I enjoy thinking and planning about and for it. The problem is that her input is pretty much limited to her responses to my ideas. That has me a bit concerned. I view retirement as an incredible time. She views it as old age. Venus and Mars, I guess. As far as compatibility goes we have both compromised to achieve our mutual goals. I will need to get out of the ice locker each winter, I'm hoping for four months. Her concern is family and being away from them, and I do agree that is most important. I'm guessing friends and family will want to visit us and the door will be open. Otherwise, a three hour flight and we can be there.
I have the same situation, except it is my husband who leaves me to do the planning. He just keeps saying that whatever I choose is fine. That really is no help. I am left to figure out the finances, choose where and how we will live.
His idea of retirement is sitting at home 24/7 and watching TV. He wants an in-home theater so he can watch movies. That's it. That's what he is going to do for the rest of his life.
I figure I am going to have to pick a place that will make me happy, and I will have to find friends and do things with them. Being shy, I am not looking forward to this. That's why I am thinking that maybe it will be best if we are in a 55+ community; that way I will be forced to be around people. Maybe I will decide that I want a part-time job to also keep me occupied.
Just some perspective on this. Since my DH and I are quite far apart in age (>10 yrs), we haven't gotten to make these decisions in the way you are describing. I think the important thing is to have a good balance of time together vs time apart, and I echo the concerns of the poster who said that it is so important to have separate vehicles (or other means of transportation) so that the spouses can go separate ways to pursue separate interests. The other thing I would recommend is to make time for each other at the end of the day for sharing, communicating and relaxing together.
My husband and I agree on the big items, such as location, climate, where to live on the urban-suburban-rural spectrum, and overall amount of living space.
We do not agree on the exact nature of the house and outbuildings, so we will have to compromise.
But I think the most important thing is that we absolutely must continue to own more than one car. No retiree should be homebound and wanting to go somewhere while the spouse takes off for wherever he/she wants. It is the time of life when you have more free time, so you might as well take advantage of that, which might require driving.
I really like the idea of owning only one home but also owning a very small, rugged 4WD RV. The type I am talking about costs more than a small house, so this dream ain't gonna happen.
We own 2 homes, both in VERY walkable areas. We share one car at each home. Mostly we are out on our bikes (in US) or on foot (Mexico) and the car sits in the garage.
Same issues. I dream of living in a warmer climate near a larger city with lots to do (or even a 55+ community chock full of activities) while he wants to live in the old run down farmhouse he inherited (and grew up in) in a very small midwestern town.
I've agreed to try living there for a few years to see if I can take it. We will travel in the winter to different destinations for a few weeks to escape the gloomy weather here. My hope is that in our travels, we will find the perfect location that we both fall in love with. If not, we'll be fixing up the old farm house and I expect to continue to travel a lot as long as I am able.
We're still 3-5 years from retirement so much can change in that time frame. I'm trying to stay open minded.
I see you setting yourself up for potential issues. From what you described I highly doubt a visit will be enough to convince him to move. This is the house of his childhood, I just can't see him ever leaving it. You best be prepared for that.
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