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I'm the couch potato in my household. I have hip arthritis. But I do things. My husband is the active person. Maybe I should have my testerone checked?
Something I fail to understand after reading all these posts is how could people stay married, presumably for twenty or thirty years, and be completely at odds on many basic things - not only about retirement, but daily lifestyle choices.
One that struck me was a post by bayarea4. She's apparently mobile and active - he's much more of a homebody and sedentary. This isn't quibbling about what kind of curtains to use, arrangement of the furniture, or even what type of a home to buy. These are basic, fundamental lifestyle choices that they are opposed on.
My parents are both homebodies. Getting them to go to a new place for dinner is almost impossible. They may leave the Tri-Cities once every two months, and that's usually just for a quick shopping trip. I don't remember the last time they went more than two hours away from home. My dad has never been on an airplane in his life. He's not sedentary, but both of them are very content to eat Little Debbie Cakes and watch TV all day.
That's not the lifestyle I want to live, but there's nothing wrong with it. Still, neither one of them would have been happy with someone wanting to hit the road every weekend.
I couldn't be with someone who crosses what are "red lines" to me. For instance, I want to move to Florida over the next few years. Other than family, there's not much for me in this part of Tennessee. I wouldn't marry someone who was completely set on remaining in this area for life, nor would I marry someone who is completely opposed to going to Florida. Who knows, I may never get to live in Florida - life may not go that way, but it is something I am working toward. I would never move to Texas. I wouldn't be with someone who was set on going to Texas or else.
To me, these kinds of differences would be dealbreaking.
It appears Bay's DH has some fundamental issues driving his behavior. Anxiety / depression.
Something I fail to understand after reading all these posts is how could people stay married, presumably for twenty or thirty years, and be completely at odds on many basic things - not only about retirement, but daily lifestyle choices.
One that struck me was a post by bayarea4. She's apparently mobile and active - he's much more of a homebody and sedentary. This isn't quibbling about what kind of curtains to use, arrangement of the furniture, or even what type of a home to buy. These are basic, fundamental lifestyle choices that they are opposed on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
A question for those with couch potato husbands:
Were they always like that?
And if not, have they had their testosterone checked? DH went on T therapy and it's been a total personality change (to how he used to be).
No, my husband wasn't always this anxious and yes, he has had his testosterone checked. It was in the low-normal range. The urologist offered him a testosterone shot to see if it would help, but he declined. He also declined to consider antidepressants. His attitude is, "I take too many pills already."
When we first met, we were much more alike. We're both shy, homebody types and dyed-in-the-wool bookworms. Neither of us was very much interested in exercise or outdoor activities like hiking. We've evolved in different directions, I guess. After retirement I got serious about getting fit, and he became more of a couch potato.
Last edited by Bayarea4; 09-05-2017 at 02:53 PM..
Reason: clarity
Oh, yeah, I know about that! Sometimes the noise goes to separate bedrooms, through walls or floors.
Earplugs - I've been using them for 20 years - but not for snoring partner - just neighborhood noises, barking dogs, screaming kids, traffic, people talking on the street - seeing as how I sleep til noon. BR on the 2nd floor. I can even sleep through roofers pounding (did that in 2002). Can't live without 'em. Carry packets in my purse. They are wonderful. When I worked and the office got too noisy, in went the earplugs. Learned this trick from a young female atty - who also used these daily, everywhere. I'm guessing it was dorm survival for her when she was in college.
And if not, have they had their testosterone checked? DH went on T therapy and it's been a total personality change (to how he used to be).
Well, to be fair, when the husband HAD a hard-working job, we tend to cut them some slack for being couch-potatoes in their "off" time, which is justifiably "theirs". When we lived near hiking and rafting, we did that in our leisure time. Now we don't have those, and are figuring out what to replace them with.
Some of these issues don't rear their ugly heads until retirement, which is a whole different ballgame.
Going on 3 years now since we moved from Ohio to NJ to be closer to our kids and grandchildren!I never wanted to move here but I went along anyway! I have been spending my summers back in Ohio and commuting back to NJ for holidays and Family doings. I will never get used to this place and I count the days when I can return to Ohio! We never have fought more than we have in the last two years! I really think we are wasting our time staying married! 40 years last June
Hubby and I are still a few years away from retirement, but we talk about it and the more we talk the more I find that we are on a different page sometimes for what we want in retirement. Years ago I imagined moving to the countryside and enjoying the peace and quiet and the outdoors. Now I can't stand the thought of being that isolated and want to be near the city. Husband wants to go south and never see cold weather again. At one point that sounded good to me too. I have decided I can't live without my 4 seasons. And the list goes on. Somewhere along the line we will find our happy spot and compromise. However, recently I have a cousin who after 42 years of marriage and 2 years of retirement is getting a divorce. The main reason being once they retired they weren't happy with each other and felt they had nothing in common. Another friend of mine went through the same experience a couple of years ago. She and her husband moved to Arizona as they had planned and she was so homesick for her daughters and grandchildren that she moved to a small apartment to be near them and just up and left him. Anyone else have a similar experience? What could you not agree on and how did you have to compromise to make it work?
Compromise is key. I cannot imagine not wanting to live anywhere without 4 seasons.Unnatural comes to mind. I wanted to be near a city primarily for easy access to medical facilities but neither his nor my health, dictates requiring such. Thus we live in the country.More isolated than I'd prefer BUT it is a nice place to live. Our home is unbelievably comfortable. It's snowed all day so we drove in the 4wheel drive truck down the road a bit. Many of our Neighbors are out snow-mobiling. We have just enough close friends for a happy life but once our health fails, we will need to move. This is the only downfall. Retirement=more free time so we are driving an hour longer for services but that's here nor there.Someone has to compromise.
Will you know ahead if you will like or dislike the area? likely not until you try it.
My belief was that we made a big mistake for a year after we landed here. Did a 360 on that one. We're both very happy. YET we have other things in common which helps. Hang in there. Your fears are likely not based in reality. You'll both find your paradise
The first year here I thought i'd made the biggest mistake of my life
Last edited by Poppycock; 01-06-2019 at 03:53 PM..
I really can't envision a (good) marriage where that isn't the case. If you don't enjoy each other's company then things like where to live isn't the problem, but not enjoying each other is.
Very true. We enjoy each others company but not full time. When our health fails, it will be really rough. As long as we have separate activities which keep us out of the home 3-4 days a week, for lets say 6+ hrs or so, we are great. We do most things together but need lots of space apart too
Since I originally posted this our children have taken jobs back where we live and got out of the military so they can be back home and close to family. They are about 30 minutes away. So we see them often and so far just have one grandchild who we are crazy about. We don't love the city we live in and know we won't stay here. Very, very different from what it was when we grew up here. My husband knows Florida is definitely off the plate, but he is really wanting to move to NC near the beach. I love the beach and boating, however I don't want to be away from our children and grandchild. So, we still have not settled on where we are going to move to. He is 3.5 years out from retirement now. Spending time with our children and grandchild is a big part of what retirement looks like to me. We both also want to travel a bit. But I won't be talked into anything if my heart is not in it. Somewhere there is a place that will be our happy place. We just haven't found it yet. The good thing is we don't have to move as soon as we retire. Only if we want to.
I suspect that folks who cannot agree on what a good future retirement looks like, also don't agree on many other things in their lives. That doesn't necessarily mean they cannot learn to love each other and live together in compromise and reasonable harmony.
My wife and I look at the world in two, almost entirely different ways and, in fifty years of marriage, (including the last 10+ in retirement), have rarely seen anything the same way. Even now, that sometimes gets a little frustrating, but, we both gave up trying to change the other person into US, years ago!
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