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Thank you for your prayers - my friend needs all the blessings she can get right now!
I do agree that C. would be better off without hubby #2. Not that I think he is actively trying to kill her, but neglect can kill just as a deliberate action might. I doubt hubby has any active plans to take her life, but he is a very stubborn man who thinks only of himself and treats C. as if she were his slave. If she has to go to the ER, it's either I drive her or if I can't, she has to call the ambulance. When they sent her to a medical center 200 miles away from here for tests and treatment, hubby spent the entire time at a bar - NOT with her. He has the money to buy two brand new jeeps which sit largely unused in their driveway. C. is too sick to drive and hubby claims his back hurts too much - a huge exaggeration. I notice his back doesn't prevent him from doing the things, HE wants to do.
I know that home health care can be expensive, but if the man were a reasonable, caring human being, he could have taken the money he squandered on the second jeep and used it to hire a home health care aid for C. But of course, such a thought never crosses his mind. When I manage to come over to help C. out, hubby demands I wait on him, too! Pfffft! I notice that he can get his own coffee and open a can of soup if I either can't or won't perform such services for him.
I plan on dropping in on my friend tomorrow, and if she's no better (and I have no reason to think that she will be), I'll try bringing up the idea of a home health care aid again. I only wish I was capable of coming over to help on a consistent basis, but I'm just not. It's hard for me to accept this and frustrating that I can do so little. I do know someone who works for social services and I'll sound her out when she's back in her office on Monday.
I really hate getting between C. and her son, but I don't think I have much choice. If poor C. were to die due to neglect, I'd carry that burden on my soul to the end of my days. Anybody who may be reading this, please say a little prayer for Carmen this evening - she needs all the good thoughts and prayers she can get!
When people die of neglect in the home where a spouse is competent, they are to be arrested. This is not normal behavior at all. Something is very amiss here. The more you type, the more convinced I am. He is a dangerous sociopath per your post. Please contact her son before she dies. We do not know what the guy is doing to her except demanding your attention when you come to help her. Again, this is way beyond normal and beyond a narcissistic personality. Please keep an open mind and watch. She needs social services involved and her son needs to get involved. My real concern is him trying to vy for your attention when his wife clearly needs it. This is a desperate attempt.
So glad you are looking out for her. But also know you are aware of funny business no matter what. if she dies, assume your lack of calling is part of the issue. People for whatever reason, see dangerous people yet make excuses for them. This is very serious, there is no excuse for this behavior. You also sound as if you need a support group, this is way too acceptable to you though I know you care. Please contact the hospital and ask for a grief support group. Your friend is dying at the hands of her husband and you need more people to guide you. A social worker tends to lead these groups. Again, more prayers coming your way. That you seek out support from a professional and understand how severe this is what is happening to her and find help I'll be thinking about you
From the details you gave, the husband sounds like worse than a deadbeat. This amounts to abuse. To keep yourself from becoming one of his targets, talk to Social Services and let them handle it. There might be domestic violence involved, and NO untrained person outside of the family should insert themselves into that. What if he really is trying to hasten her death (even without actively murdering her), and your helping her gets in the way of him reaching that goal? Then YOU become a target, too.
And what if he reads this thread? Although maybe not likely, it is certainly possible. If she is as alone in her troubles as it sounds, he’ll immediately figure out what friend posted it.
Thats right. Some police departments call this conducting a welfare check. They check on the welfare of the person. If her arm is black all the way down from the shoulder as you say this is a huge medical emergency. Call the police now.
The arm was bruised after a three day hospital stay. Wouldn't the hospital be required to report if they suspected neglect or abuse? Wouldn't she be assessed by a hospital social worker and advised of care available to her? Maybe not. For my husband, those things were discussed at discharge.
I think the friend needs to be told what her options are: check on available professional care, call son, etc. Help her to do those things in her home if she needs help. Certainly I would feel sorry for her as a friend, but I would not take on her care unless I was able, and I would not go behind her back and notify agencies she does not appear to want involved.
A friend of mine was dying of Stage 4 endometrial Cancer. She had no family. Her friends all helped but it was her doctor who arranged to have a social worker and visiting nurse to come and look in on her as often as necessary after her last hospital discharge. One of the social workers kept in touch with me to talk about her progress with her permission. So I knew when they took her to Hospice. I stayed with her holding her hand the day before she died.
So I was wondering, could you arrange something along those lines through her doctor? I mean this might be a useless suggestion because I don't know all the circumstances but just going by my experience it worked in my friend's situation. If not the doctor, Social Services or a similar organization. She is in her early 70's so maybe there is an office on aging in your area as there is in many. Don't feel you are interfering. She needs help.
Yes, my friend does need help. Colorado does have adult protective services that operate out of the Social Services department. I used to know their case worker who was outstanding but heavily over-worked. My plan is to contact her (or her replacement) on Tuesday since Monday everything is closed for MLK Day.
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Originally Posted by Happy in Wyoming
You'll love this one. Yes, you people really have a plan for us.
I remember reading that New Yorker article. There are always a few predators who will try to get away with murder (and sometimes do). Colorado has stricter laws about guardianship than some other states do. I couldn't go the Guardianship route here even if I wanted to which I don't. Treatment at University Hospital in Denver is exactly that - excellent MEDICAL treatment; vampires need not apply.
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Originally Posted by Nurse Bishop
Thats right. Some police departments call this conducting a welfare check. They check on the welfare of the person. If her arm is black all the way down from the shoulder as you say this is a huge medical emergency. Call the police now.
In the course of searching the Internet for ways to help my friend, I discovered a very helpful but apparently little known fact. C.'s hubby is a retired veteran with a pension. There is a law in place that allows for the debilitated spouse of a veteran to be awarded a stipend of $1500/month or so to pay for a home health aid to come in a few times a week and provide care as well as homemaker services as required. I find it somewhat unbelievable that hubby never went to the local VA rep to ask if there were any programs that might help them out. The man is dumber than a rock, but he sure knows how to get help for himself.
I'm going to tell my friend about this help she can get from the VA. I think that if she realizes that the VA will fund a home health care worker for her, she may be more open to the idea of having someone other than me come in. Also, I'm not really big on complaining about my own aches and pains, but I guess I do need to make my own health issues plain to her. I'd be at her house right now but for the fact that my sciatica has really flared up. I get tears of pain in my eyes every time I try to stand up. It's simply impossible for me to be her primary caregiver much as I want to help her. If she stops thinking of me as the only one she can count on, it may make her more willing to consider having a caregiver stop by a few times a week.
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Originally Posted by CatzPaw
From what you have said, it is likely the husband who has most objected to health workers in the home, not C., and she knows this so she refuses. She may not like the idea either (who really looks forward to it?) but she has been firmly directed by the worthless dominant guy with his butt in the recliner.
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Originally Posted by Cyclist1968
When people die of neglect in the home where a spouse is competent, they are to be arrested. This is not normal behavior at all. Something is very amiss here. The more you type, the more convinced I am. He is a dangerous sociopath per your post. Please contact her son before she dies. We do not know what the guy is doing to her except demanding your attention when you come to help her. Again, this is way beyond normal and beyond a narcissistic personality. Please keep an open mind and watch. She needs social services involved and her son needs to get involved. My real concern is him trying to vy for your attention when his wife clearly needs it. This is a desperate attempt.
So glad you are looking out for her. But also know you are aware of funny business no matter what. if she dies, assume your lack of calling is part of the issue. People for whatever reason, see dangerous people yet make excuses for them. This is very serious, there is no excuse for this behavior. You also sound as if you need a support group, this is way too acceptable to you though I know you care. Please contact the hospital and ask for a grief support group. Your friend is dying at the hands of her husband and you need more people to guide you. A social worker tends to lead these groups. Again, more prayers coming your way. That you seek out support from a professional and understand how severe this is what is happening to her and find help I'll be thinking about you
Couldn't agree more with you both. Hubby is most definitely an individual with severe emotional problems. I'm not a psychologist, but if he were to have a diagnosis of malignant narcissistic personality disorder, I wouldn't be at all surprised. I don't excuse his behavior at all, but I do try to be civil to him for my friend's sake. No point in adding to her distress by me having a meltdown over him in the middle of her living room. I have lost track of the times when I could barely restrain myself from slapping him as hard as I could right up side his fat head. He is watching her die and does nothing. Well, actually he does complain about his own ailments. The VA sends him an ungodly amount of hydrocodone and other opiates - a 3 month supply each time. He gobbles his pills and goes comatose in his recliner for long periods of time. It amazes me that his doctors condone this.
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Originally Posted by pikabike
From the details you gave, the husband sounds like worse than a deadbeat. This amounts to abuse. To keep yourself from becoming one of his targets, talk to Social Services and let them handle it. There might be domestic violence involved, and NO untrained person outside of the family should insert themselves into that. What if he really is trying to hasten her death (even without actively murdering her), and your helping her gets in the way of him reaching that goal? Then YOU become a target, too.
And what if he reads this thread? Although maybe not likely, it is certainly possible. If she is as alone in her troubles as it sounds, he’ll immediately figure out what friend posted it.
Hubby is extremely emotionally abusive to my friend - no doubt of that. He says really mean things to me as well, and then pretends he's joking. But I think that short of meeting me at the door with a knife or a gun (which I find highly unlikely), he wouldn't find me to be a very easy target. For one thing, I am taking your advise and that of others who have replied to my thread and I'm getting social services involved.
Hubs and C. don't have Internet. Hubby is too stupid to understand how it works and my friend considered it a necessary evil when she could still work. Now that she's retired, she either reads or watches TV - won't pay for Internet and doesn't miss it. Won't even do Facebook. Believe me, I'd have disguised her situation most carefully if the opposite were true.
You understand the medical situation around here better than most anyone. Our county is dead broke and services from the local government have suffered accordingly. We are a re-markedly isolated community for a place that's located almost smack dab in the middle of the country. I can't believe some of the things I have witnessed go on here, and I bet you have a few stories of your own. I sort of have a love/hate relationship with this town, and what my friend is experiencing makes me think that maybe I should return to Colorado Springs for my "golden years." I can't imagine a doctor or a hospital there sending a dying woman home with no assistance or supervision the way (un)Mercy Hospital did here. The Four Corners is becoming more the "Lost Corners" with the passing of each day. Thanks so much for your reply!
I am proud of you Colorado Rambler. Yes social services should be involved. They are often way over worked so i you can also consult with a social worker via a grief support group, that should help. It is normally for people to grieve after someone's death but you apparently are in that process.
It is unlikely he will target you unless you keep her alive. Then don't be surprised if he threatens you. Vicodin often causes extreme anger so that isn't helping either. Your friend may appear not to want your help due to abuse. They cannot openly admit they need it or their abuser will get them later for it. So I wouldn't put to much credience on what she wants but just keeping her alive.
He isn't worth you worrying over, neither is she though she's your friend. Just do the right thing and stay un-attached. These things always bite people in the butt when they don't do what they know they should have via guilt. It could later hurt your own health.
Again, very proud of you and will keep you in my prayers. When we help people lots of times it comes beck to us in our hour of need. Blessings.
I am proud of you Colorado Rambler. Yes social services should be involved. They are often way over worked so i you can also consult with a social worker via a grief support group, that should help. It is normally for people to grieve after someone's death but you apparently are in that process.
It is unlikely he will target you unless you keep her alive. Then don't be surprised if he threatens you. Vicodin often causes extreme anger so that isn't helping either. Your friend may appear not to want your help due to abuse. They cannot openly admit they need it or their abuser will get them later for it. So I wouldn't put to much credience on what she wants but just keeping her alive.
He isn't worth you worrying over, neither is she though she's your friend. Just do the right thing and stay un-attached. These things always bite people in the butt when they don't do what they know they should have via guilt. It could later hurt your own health.
Again, very proud of you and will keep you in my prayers. When we help people lots of times it comes beck to us in our hour of need. Blessings.
Thank you for your kind words and prayers. As I have become older, I have had to accept that I cannot run out there and help the entire world - much as I might wish to. I don't especially worry about hubby. He has a good retirement and medical care thru the VA, and unlike C., he has no problem calling up his family members and complaining about anything and everything. These days I pick my battles and someone else is going to have to deal with that man. He's got his opiate supply and an adult daughter that he knows how to guilt trip. Plus, he actually had the nerve to hit on me several times AFTER he married C. He'd probably want me to stick around, figuring that I wouldn't be able to resist his allure and that I'd come take care of him if anything happened to C. YUCK! How wrong he is if that's what he's thinking.
I plan on visiting C. tomorrow and having a bit of a private heart to heart with her. She is such a good person and has been a very dear friend to me. I'm going to tell her about the help she can get through the VA and encourage her to call her son herself. He's a nice young man who has done very well for himself and sends his Mom extra money often. I'm NOT going to tell her that I'm contacting Social Services - that would just cause her to get upset. It's better if she thinks her health care providers (or whoever) arranged a visit from the elder care lady at Social Services.
The thing that makes me very sad is that I feel that C. has just given up. She's been in so much pain for so long and now can't do any of the things she once enjoyed. She used to love to read, but she says she no longer even tries to read the newspaper - it's too exhausting for her. I am praying that I will be able to manage to get the money to get my truck fixed sometime this spring. If I had my own transportation, it would be so much easier to get into town and read aloud to her and fill up her bird feeders for her - she does love her birds, but fatso can't be bothered to pour a little seed into the feeders, and she's far to weak to pick up even a 5 or 10 pound sack of bird seed. Spending time with C. with things perhaps slightly less desperate would be a good thing for us both.
I am praying for the best for her - my poor, sweet friend.
If you are talking about Aid and Attendance through the VA, it's a very long process to apply and you may not ever get it. I tried for my Mom. Talk to your social worker friend about this first before laying it out there as a possibility.
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I'll be thinking about you
