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I actually envy you. When my mom died I was on a plane headed her way, never made it in time to say goodbye. Same with my dad. Never said good bye...
Same thing with me. I was to take a flight the next morning to see my Dad when he passed away just before midnight. I was driving on my way up to see my mom when she passed away.
I certainly understand as I was at my parents sides when they both passed. I closed my mom's eyes when she finally heard the words from me "it's OK mom you can go"...she was hanging on for her children. Dad died in hospital but was so ready to go and I spent 3 months with him at his end months.
I didn’t make it back in time when my Dad passed a year and a half ago. He was always such a strong man and I didn’t realize how serious it was until it was too late. He was in the hospital for less than one week with pneumonia.
My DH was at his father’s bedside at home, holding his hand when he died, along with DH’s mother and sister. His Dad had in-home hospice with a DNR hung on the refrigerator. The family was told of the physical signs of impending death to watch for by the nurses who cared for him. The nurses came a couple of times a day towards the end and were on call.
DH had come for a two day spur of the moment visit when one of his work projects was cancelled unexpectedly. He stayed ten days as support for his Mom and Dad when he realized there wasn’t much time left. DH is so grateful he had that time with his Dad and was there with him at the end.
I don’t know if I could have handled what DH did, but I do wish I could have seen my Dad one last time.
Dad was first, hit by a car in California. 1968 and I still feel shaken by it. No goodbyes, no hugs or kisses to say I love you. One day on the phone chatting with my husband, next day mowed down by a drunk driver.
Mom died 30 years later, in hospital, from old age and failure to take care of herself. I got there about half hour after she passed.
First sister Mary Ann had lung cancer, I was there for several days before she died. Her kids were there, too. We were all there when she took her last breath.
Second sister about 2-1/2 years ago, lung cancer. She had many other problems and I'm not sure she had a total understanding of what was happening to her. She had cerebral palsy, dementia, epilepsy, schizophrenia. Last couple of weeks she did not want to be in a bed, so nursing home put blue mattresses on the floor for her. She rolled around on them. Not sure she knew when I was there. Got there about half hour after she passed away.
Yes, I am full aware that death is a part of life. But those memories are with me forever.
I actually envy you. When my mom died I was on a plane headed her way, never made it in time to say goodbye. Same with my dad. Never said good bye...
you and my sister are the same. she got stuck in Atlanta missing or not actually having a connecting flight.
Our mother was in hospice and sleeping when I got the call. I live 3 hours by car from where my parents live. When I got the call at about 3 I was driving home from work. I told the nurse I would be on my way and should be there in about 3 hours. I called my wife and told her what I was doing. She offered to come with me but I said that it wasn't necessary. In fact it worked out cause I went home picked up stuff to spend a day or two and left. When my wife got home 20 minutes after I left the water tank had let loose so she had to deal with water.
I got up there still in uniform and she had not passed at that time. The doctor on call came in told me the situation. Her lungs were filling up and there was no set time. She wasn't in pain she was just sleeping. No pain meds for her either. She was so brave. Well here I am in the room with her listening to the bubbling breath steady and even. By 10 I was going stir crazy so I turned on my mom's laptop and went to a website called Pandora. Typed in the Andrew Sisters and up came a stream of music from that generation. Her generation and it was maybe 20 minutes her breathing smoothed out for maybe 30 heart beats and then stopped. It was almost exactly the same with my dad the sound was just the same.
It moves you into such a small, surreal space for a while. I remember stepping outside for a little while during my mom's death and there was a man on the sidewalk complaining about the food or something at the care center. It just seemed so bizarre and mundane that this was all he had to be upset about. Then I realized that I was in an entirely different world with different priorities than he was.
I thought to myself that he wouldn't be able to really understand what I was experiencing right now. Perhaps that's what you are feeling, OP. Sharing with those who have been there is comforting.
On a lighter note, one of the last things Mom said to me before she left was, "Be good." Fer crying out loud, Ma, you would have to ask for that!
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier1976
Yesterday I was called to my dad's bedside where after a couple of hours he took his final breath. This is the second parent I watch pass and it still unnerved me. I sort of went into shock. He had been very sick and was at the mercy of others for everything. He died of prostate cancer at the age of 83. My mother passed away in 2010 of breast cancer at 77.
I know I am not alone in this. I know that some of you have gone through this as well. While I am not looking for hugs or anything like that what I am wondering is if others felt just as shocked even though the death was expected and even wished for. It was very difficult to watch my father suffer and struggle through it. I was praying that he would just be taken and I would not have to be there to watch his face go from a normal skin tone to one of ashen gray. I was there to watch my mother go and I was just as unnerved this second time around.
But I was also glad to be there on those days to be there for my parents to pass. I know it was a comfort for them to know I was there. In the case of my dad, my wife was there as well. He really did appreciate that and I believe he showed it by letting go. It was very hard on his wife but..... he is no longer suffering and she no longer has to go through that everyday chore of watching him get worse.
One experience that changed my life is watching my dad on what ultimately was his deathbed dying of liver cirrhosis mainly due to alcohol and substance abuse. It had been 2 years since I had seen him and I was stunned seeing him go from a built 6'2 guy to nearly just bones. You are just never prepared to see your parents get sick IMO.
Early last year, I had to go take care of my mother when she had health issues and I saw her go from an energetic early 60s woman to a bedridden frail woman. She did get better and is mostly in good shape now but that was a wake up call that she ain't gonna be here forever, so I have been going to visit her more often in Southern Indiana and the Louisville area and I'm working on moving closer to her so I can look in on her more feasibly if I need to, which is difficult living in DC.
Watching a life of a parent end is one the absolute worst experiences in the overall human experience. I don't think anyone who had any love for the parent (my dad and I had a very negative relationship but I was still heartbroken when he passed) cannot be unnerved by watching their life process end.
My mother was living at my sister's, she went to bed and never woke up. She was 91. Ever since I have thought "that is the way to go".
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