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Thread summary:

Retirement condos for sale, apartments, MIL suite, lifelong depression, decision making

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Old 03-28-2008, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Happiness is found inside your smile :)
3,176 posts, read 14,677,027 times
Reputation: 1313

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Hi

I have a wonderful mother in law - who is 65. Her husband and her seperated (she still gets all his SS benefits and maybe one day if they divorce she'll get half the property, but I digress)

She's a nice woman, but she's not very independant. She likes to stay home, sit on the couch and read books. All Day - every day.

We needed a down payment for our home, since she needed a place to live (from the seperation) and wasn't taking an initiative for her own life we bought a house with a MIL unit and she gave us 20%. It was very nice of her and we totally appreciate it.

It's been four years. Sh has yet to unpack or paint the walls or put out her knick knacks...etc. As I said she just sits on the couch and reads books all day.

Anyway, we are relocating. And we are happy to bring her along. But we do not want her living with us this time. We have more options of homes for our faimly if we can find her a condo. She had from her inheritance, about 100K, if she got her half from her husband she's have another 150K, and if we sell our current home - she'd get another 100K. She has $700 per month in SS income.

She needs to buy a condo outright. But here's the deal. She's a bump on a log. She won't research anything for her move, she won't find out how much she has money wise, she won't even TELL ME the kinds of things she wants out of her life so that I can help her. She just wants us to figure it all out and tell her what to do - and truly it's pissing me off. She's a big girl. She's young!

Anyway. If you were in this situation. Would you mind if I put you in an apartment? Since I can't seem to find a condo in a retirement community that she can afford??

Or do you have ANY good websites to find retirement condos for sale - I don't want anything brand new. But she can't afford the 200K for a condo - but she could if it was older (only 1 bedroom needed) and like 125K I think it's doable.

I don't know what to do - I wish she was more independant. I wish I didn't have to decide FOR her - I feel like "What if I don't choose correctly?"
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Old 03-28-2008, 03:47 PM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 13,242,253 times
Reputation: 2192
I can't answer your question of would it be all right if you did this if I was like her, because I'm not like that. One thing I would try to determine is if she is depressed and that is the source of her lethargy.

If not and this is just her way, her reluctance to participate at all in her fate may be that she is devastated that you and her son no longer want her living in the same house. But she won't admit or show that at all. She may be silently hoping that if she does nothing, then you'll relent and get the next place with a MIL suite too.

I have a hard time believing that the condo thing is what she wants when she does nothing. Such lethargy and passiveness is not really normal and there are probably undercurrents that are not being said.

Is there a third party who can intervene? Does she have any friends?

My mother is not passive but she will tell me what she really wants and doesn't want but not my brothers who are her landlords. The reason is that she doesn't want them to think she isn't happy or satisfied with the house they own and rent to her. So my brothers have learned to ask me to find out what she wants, then I tell them. Silly, but there is a reason for it.
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Happiness is found inside your smile :)
3,176 posts, read 14,677,027 times
Reputation: 1313
She has always been like this. She had her husband make all her decisions in her life. She's always just sat on a couch and read books, my husband says that's how she was growing up. She does not have friends. She does talk on the phone with her cousins alot - those are her "friends" even though she has not lived near them for 40 years.

Her homebody-ness , I am told by my husband, is what her ex-husband used to complain about. Because she never socialized or left the house.

We bought her all sorts of stuff to start gardening - and first she let the stuff just sit outside under a tarp for over a year - then when she planted stuff, she never took the time to water them or anything. Everything died

She was one of those homemakers/mothers who that was their life and she has not been able to figure out what to do with herself since all her boys have grown up and moved out. So you see, she actually LOVES living with us because she is near her favorite boy.

If she ever has to make a decision she goes straight to my husband for his opinion or asks him to choose, it's really starting to drain him and he's tired of it too.

** ANother example: We go to a Chirstmas tree farm every year and she buys herself a little tree for her place. We bought them on Dec 5th. She left hers outside on the porch all December and didn't put it up til the Dec 26th! This is how much she doesn't get up off the couch.
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Knoxville, TN
2,171 posts, read 7,644,867 times
Reputation: 1537
Get her a checkup. Could be lifelong depression caused by a chemical imbalance made worse by the changes in her life.
Just because she has "always been that way" doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with her.
Talk to your doctor about the problems you're having with her and see what you can do to get her the care she needs.
You will all be a lot happier.
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:40 PM
GLS
 
1,985 posts, read 5,370,846 times
Reputation: 2472
Quote:
Originally Posted by CityGirl72 View Post
Hi

I have a wonderful mother in law - who is 65. Her husband and her seperated (she still gets all his SS benefits and maybe one day if they divorce she'll get half the property, but I digress)

She's a nice woman, but she's not very independant. She likes to stay home, sit on the couch and read books. All Day - every day.

We needed a down payment for our home, since she needed a place to live (from the seperation) and wasn't taking an initiative for her own life we bought a house with a MIL unit and she gave us 20%. It was very nice of her and we totally appreciate it.

It's been four years. Sh has yet to unpack or paint the walls or put out her knick knacks...etc. As I said she just sits on the couch and reads books all day.

Anyway, we are relocating. And we are happy to bring her along. But we do not want her living with us this time. We have more options of homes for our faimly if we can find her a condo. She had from her inheritance, about 100K, if she got her half from her husband she's have another 150K, and if we sell our current home - she'd get another 100K. She has $700 per month in SS income.

She needs to buy a condo outright. But here's the deal. She's a bump on a log. She won't research anything for her move, she won't find out how much she has money wise, she won't even TELL ME the kinds of things she wants out of her life so that I can help her. She just wants us to figure it all out and tell her what to do - and truly it's pissing me off. She's a big girl. She's young!

Anyway. If you were in this situation. Would you mind if I put you in an apartment? Since I can't seem to find a condo in a retirement community that she can afford??

Or do you have ANY good websites to find retirement condos for sale - I don't want anything brand new. But she can't afford the 200K for a condo - but she could if it was older (only 1 bedroom needed) and like 125K I think it's doable.

I don't know what to do - I wish she was more independant. I wish I didn't have to decide FOR her - I feel like "What if I don't choose correctly?"
I'm not trying to be mean, but so what if "you don't choose correctly for her"? Maybe she will finally tell you what she wants. If she hasn't had changes in appetite or sleep, no tearfulness or suicidal ideation, no fears of going out, etc. maybe she isn't depressed. Maybe she is happy to be self-isolating. Sure you can encourage her to join church groups, active senior groups, etc. BUT you can't force change if she doesn't want it.

Although I understand your concern, you can't take complete responsibility for her life. Until she sees something that sparks her interest, which she may in a new environment, get her a comfortable couch and a lot of books.
Unless you let go a little, you'll spend the rest of your life as a pissed off caregiver, while she relaxes with a good book. Sorry.
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Old 03-29-2008, 12:23 PM
 
438 posts, read 1,113,440 times
Reputation: 407
I sympathize with you, CityGirl72. What a situation! I agree with Tesaje and knoxgarden that she sounds depressed. Maybe she's been depressed all her life or maybe she has a thyroid problem or something else that saps her energy. I would insist that she see a doctor and I would tell the doctor beforehand what you've told us about her listlessness.

If it turns out that she's simply apathetic, not depressed, then do what works better for you -- find a comfortable condo and help her move in. You've done a lot more already than many children would do for their parents.
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Old 03-29-2008, 01:35 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, Arkansas
452 posts, read 1,719,604 times
Reputation: 287
If she's able to cook and clean for herself and isn't just "lazy", then depression could be the culprit. Time for her son to insist on a good checkup and then you can go from there.

That said, I'd be real tempted to box up all of her books, give her the phone directory pages with real estate companies and tell her to pick one! But that's just me.

You want to keep the peace but you also have to have the quality of life that you and your hubby deserve. She's bringing you down. If you "put her in an apartment"...then what? Do you see yourself running back and forth to tend to her needs for the rest of her life? If it comes down to finding the place FOR her, I'd make sure she's surrounded with people of her own sort...age, interests, whatever. Good luck!!
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Old 04-01-2008, 09:54 PM
 
48,505 posts, read 96,653,685 times
Reputation: 18304
Your facing what most people face with aging parents.Your mother-in-law is like alot of women that never entered the wrok force.I suggest that you look into a assisted living facility for her nearby where you are moving.She now needs the same tye of help that you did when she loaned you the money to buy the house and may have just made that possable for you. Just like when we are kids they stepped up many times for us ;we now have to stepup to the plate.That's JMHO.
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Old 04-02-2008, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico
522 posts, read 1,428,500 times
Reputation: 482
Yeah, sorry, GLS, sudden change of behavior won't detect a long term condition. I agree with others, she needs a complete medical check up. Considering she looks to your husband for guidance, he should have no problem telling her, and then one of you (sounds like it will be you) assist her to make the appt., ---and I would reccommend going with her, so you can make sure the doctor gets an accurate picture. If she is depressed, and has been for that long, she's not going to realize it, or understand her symptoms as a sign of depression, or something that can be treated.

Also, considering her history of passive behavior, the apparent lack of complaints, and your willingness to have her relocate with you, I say 'Why not get her an apartment?' Find a safe, friendly place that allows her to take care of herself--close to bus, stores, other seniors, etc.
That way, she'll learn to transition from 'household member' to nearby 'family member'. It will be a difficult transition for everyone for awhile, because she will probably be calling 24/7 for every little thing, since she's always had a caretaker. Also, your family will feel some guilt about her helplessness, but if you're willing to make sure she knows you haven't abandoned her, and that you're nearby for help, THEN YOU have to be the parents who wean her off her dependency on you.
Also, renting an apartment allows for the possibility that, as she begins to take a more active role in her life, she may discover her own wants and needs, and then can make a decision for a permanent move to a retirement community.

But don't be surprised if she still hibernates, doesn't unpack, or do much to socialize. She's a reader! But, you might help her unpack, and make it more likely she'll feel 'at home'.

It's a tricky situation, but you sound like such caring people who've done so much already, that I think, if you invest in the time it will take to help her adjust to the new situation, in the long run, you will have more time to yourselves, and created a healthier situation for all.
The worst scenario would be to resent her for letting her live with you, or to forever feel guilty for putting her somewhere and ignoring her.
Good Luck!
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Old 04-03-2008, 08:02 AM
 
365 posts, read 1,250,831 times
Reputation: 262
Are you sure we're not related? Because I have a mother just like that! If my sister and I don't do it, it doesn't get done. (She was diagnosed with depression, but refuses to take medication.) But that's another story...

If your MIL relies on you to make decisions, then so what if you make the wrong one? It will only be wrong if _she decides_ it's wrong. And then—ta da!—she'll have made a decision, and she—not you—can go about correcting it.

It's not like anyone will be harmed if you make the "wrong" decision in this case. If your mom can't make a decision on her own, then any decision you make for her is the right one.

I think I would rent her an apt. Why spend all that money on a condo if you dont' even know if she wants it? Then, if she doesn't like it, she can more easily move. But let her decide.

I know it isn't easy. I've been there. Good luck.
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