How do you get used to so much loss? (physically, state, retired)

[Bronze]

I do not know that you get used to it, but I know it helps me to think of family members and friends that have passed by thinking of their smile, their laughter, their jokes, and a good time we all had.

[Chaofan]

When my father passed away, followed by my only sibling 36 hours later, leaving me essentially without any family, having to focus on dealing with the necessary arrangements and then settling their estates helped keep despair at bay in the early days and weeks after I lost them. After that, it helped to get out and do something for someone else. That's when I started volunteering in the hospital ER and with the VFW helping other veterans. Being able to focus on solving someone else's problems helped me put my own in perspective and avoid succumbing to depression. It has been nearly 10 years, but I still feel that volunteering benefits me as much as the organizations I'm helping, maybe more.

[trobesmom]

Originally Posted by RosemaryT

I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.

Rosemary, I am so very sorry for all the significant losses you have suffered in such a short period of time. I cannot imagine the loss of my spouse in any way, let alone by suicide. I am so sorry.

I never had children or grandchildren, and have lost my parents, grandparents, all my aunts and uncles and several close friends. I'm glad you are in counseling and have a trusted friend who can help you as you navigate all of these losses. I don't have any advice, as it seems you are doing what you need to do to work through your grief. Thinking of you, and hoping you find some measure of peace and comfort in each day. Be gentle with yourself. *Hugs*

[Ron61]

Originally Posted by RosemaryT

I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.

I’ve suffered so much loss and tragedy that sometimes I too thought I had a bulls eye on my back.
Even in the worst of those times however I found the strength of my faith in God to be the only thing that sustained me. Life has taught me that each day is a gift because not one of us has a promise of tomorrow. Live life every day like it will be your last. Leave nothing unsaid or undone.

[HappyDogToday]

Originally Posted by Ron61

I’ve suffered so much loss and tragedy that sometimes I too thought I had a bulls eye on my back.
Even in the worst of those times however I found the strength of my faith in God to be the only thing that sustained me. Life has taught me that each day is a gift because not one of us has a promise of tomorrow. Live life every day like it will be your last. Leave nothing unsaid or undone.

Pretty much the essence of my experience too.

[Nightengale212]

Originally Posted by RosemaryT

I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.

Loss is never easy and when it come in rapid succession even more so which I have experienced first hand. In two days will be the 17th anniversary of my husband's death who died suddenly from a heart attack at age 49. Almost to the day a year prior to his death my father-in-law passed away and the same month was the death of my only maternal uncle who I was very close to. A year after my husband's death one of our beloved golden retrievers died, and two years later my older sister's husband who was a Vietnam Vet died of Agent Orange caused lung cancer. That same year my mother's health which was not good for a long time began a steady decline and she passed in 2006. And her death was followed by my mother-in-law in 2007, my other golden retriever in 2009, my dear father in 2010, and my loss succession ended with the loss of a a very dear friend in 2012. In between my husband's death and just before my BIL passed I myself was diagnosed with cancer which made my grief journey all the more difficult.

Despite my mother's declining health both she and my father thankfully were there for me to provide emotional support following the death of my husband and cancer ordeal which I am eternally grateful for because despite being a grown woman, nothing can ever compare to the comfort extended by loving parents. In addition to the love and support of family members and close friends, what I also found most helpful following the death of my husband was finding a grief support web site that had a 24/7 monitored chat room. Unfortunately this web site and chat room no longer exist, but I am sure there must be others currently available. These individuals that I chatted with were so exceptionally kind and compassionate towards me, and since they had been on or in the midst of the same grief journey as I were such a tremendous support to me and helped me navigate the emotional roller coaster I was going through and realize I was not loosing my mind and this was a normal part of the grief process. Many of these compassionate strangers from the land of grief eventually became close friends that I still keep in touch with to this day.

Unfortunately the grief journey does not have a GPS system that takes you along a direct path to your destination of peace and acceptance of your loss/losses. And most often it is those who have already traveled a similar grief journey themselves that can best help you navigate the twists and turns encountered on this journey and validate the roller coaster feelings that can change from one minute to the next as a painful but normal part of the grief process.

I suggest the grief support thread on this forum may be a good starting point for you to explore which may prove to be helpful in navigating your own grief journey.

[katie45]

Losing loved ones is never easy.

As it's said, "You may never get over it, but you will get through it."

[svband76]

Exercise. Be healthy. Run. Walk. It's the only thing you can control. Being healthy makes you feel great. Healthy body healthy mind. get outside every day. In the woods. Solitude. Good luck.

[Daisy Grey]

Originally Posted by twinkletwinkle22

We are all different in our response to loss of loved ones. Maybe being brought up Catholic my attitude is matter-of-fact as death was discussed from an early age as part of life. Even thought I haven't been Catholic for 50 years now that part stuck with me.

I can soooo relate to this! Back in the 50s I went to Catholic grade school and the 4/5 graders (we had combined classes then) would be routinely pulled out to sing for 10:30 AM funeral masses (in Polish no less!)

Both my parents came from large extended families. It seems like at least once a month we were travelling to Buffalo to a wake of one of my dad's relatives. On one occasion it was my birthday. On the way back my Dad stopped at a toy store and told me I could have any toy I wanted--I chose a Monopoly game (I was a "gamer" before there were gamers!!!)

[Serious Conversation]

To be frank, I haven't been through that much loss. I did have a tough period a few years ago where I lost my (low paying) job, my best friend committed suicide, had no insurance, etc.