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You can work all day, all year, forever trying to understand what makes other people tick. You won't do it. I'm not saying you can't try, that is always an option. People are going to react to just about anything. You, yourself, are reacting with this post.
When people write or say something that ticks you off, what can you do about it? Change it?? We can't make other people change just because we see what is wrong with their thinking. We will always think what we say or do is the correct thing.
There will always be someone to challenge you.
Why not just "file it"??
People, which includes you and me, will always find something to judge. It's called life.
My mother gave me a sizable amount when she died (from both parents). I got 50% of it, and our two adult children received 25% each. My husband and I funded their undergrad (4 years) at Berkeley. That was not cheap. No student loans from their undergrad. Our daughter went on and got her Nurse Practitioners Lic. She owed $30K. We helped pay for her wedding $25K. We also helped pay for a small down on her house...another $25K.
Daughter: $125K college, wedding $25K, house $25K, new car after graduating from college $15K. Total:$190K.
Son: $125K college and $15K for a new car after graduating from college. Total: $140K.
Not to mention all of the little and medium things here and there. IVF for daughter: Donation of $1K, daughter's wedding shower, daughter's elaborate baby shower, Grandson's christening party, etc. Our son is getting married next year, but he has not asked us for any money. He did ask that we pay for our own hotel rooms at the destination wedding. That is fine with me.
I am having difficulty saying "No" to our daughter. She is so nice in every way, but she has no problem asking for assistance. She makes more than both my husband and me. I am the one who has the problem. I am working on it.
Next time she asks, how do I tell her that we have given enough? That we prefer to donate to an account for our grandson's education instead?
To expand an earlier reply, we had a few years in this country when all university fees were abolished. My brother was at uni at this time. He switched courses three times, spent long periods overseas and finally finished a three year degree in his early thirties. This was why we decided not to pay our kids fees upfront, we thought even though the fees were not high at that stage, they would act more responsibly if they had the financial responsibility. One daughter did change courses and had to do a makeup summer school course. Again, we did not offer to pay the fee for this, for the same reason. I might add that the fees are much higher now but we still have the arrangement that the students do not have to start repaying them until they earn a certain amount.
The most difficult expense for young people here, especially in Sydney and Melbourne, is housing. We have a universal healthcare system which is however not as inclusive as some European ones. Second hand cars are cheap and public transport is pretty good in the major cities. We also have non-contributory retirement and disability pensions and a low unemployment benefit. So if we wish to help out, it is usually money towards a home deposit. Otherwise it could be for smaller items like expensive dental work, which is only partly covered on optional private insurance. Some people like to contribute to private school,fees for their grandkids, often because attending a particular private school is a family tradition. And of course many contribute their labour, be it childcare, fixing things because many in this younger generation can neither fix a leaking tap nor sew on a button. Grandson announced recently that I need to give daddy and mummy sewing lessons. But I feel that they are a lost cause!
I've had some help in my own life from parents and grandparents. My parents paid for about half of my college tuition and room and board, probably about $35k. They helped me and paid 50% of my first car (about $4k.) When my grandfather died, he had a life insurance policy that was split among the grandchildren, we each got $10k. $5k of that went into savings, the other $5k I bought a motorcycle with.
The plan right now with our daughter (she's 5.5 yrs old) is to help buy her a car (she will have to have a job to pay for gas and maintenance) and pay for her college (we have ~60k set aside for this already, I'm hoping it will be well over $100k by the time she's 18.) If she goes somewhere on scholarship, that money may be used for a wedding, or perhaps a down payment on a house.
One of our biggest goals is to teach her financial responsibility at an early age... We are prepared to help in the above ways and plan to, but only if she's deserving and understands that we are not here to bankroll her life.
Growing up, my parents only paid a couple of things. I worked and paid for my pilots license, and after getting it, my parents were my first passengers, my dad paid for that flight only. They paid for one semester of college, and when I moved out, there home gift was a really nice microwave oven. That was it, although my dad put out a lot of money for one of my sisters that would always get herself in a financial hole.
I was fortunate in my career, and I paid for my two daughters undergrad degree's, including housing, food, and some spending money. Were they grateful? Yup, they watched every dime. One called up crying that she got a "D" in a class and needed to take it over. She got an "A" in that class the next semester, and graduated with a high gpa. Both went on to grad school, but they are responsible for the cost on that, although I do help here and there. But if I were to see any "hardships" that they caused on themselves through irresponsibility, any help would immediately end.
For me, if one has the ability, and the child is humble, grateful for the help in starting out in life, and only "uses" the help to the point where they are self sufficient it is a good thing. If the child is taking advantage of the help, not using it wisely, and is selfish, it is a bad thing.
As I have posted before, we are saving money every month toward our grands college education. We also, rarely, help one of our kids out with parenting expenses. We do this quietly. For instance we are helping with money toward a trip one of the grands is taking through school. Years ago, I took $500 out of my paycheck for over a decade and put it toward education and later toward insurance expenses for my three kids. I regret not being able to help them more than I did, but I cannot be accused of not helping them ever.
If one of them had a financial crisis, I know we would step in if we needed to.
My mother gave me a sizable amount when she died (from both parents). I got 50% of it, and our two adult children received 25% each. My husband and I funded their undergrad (4 years) at Berkeley. That was not cheap. No student loans from their undergrad. Our daughter went on and got her Nurse Practitioners Lic. She owed $30K. We helped pay for her wedding $25K. We also helped pay for a small down on her house...another $25K.
Daughter: $125K college, wedding $25K, house $25K, new car after graduating from college $15K. Total:$190K.
Son: $125K college and $15K for a new car after graduating from college. Total: $140K.
Not to mention all of the little and medium things here and there. IVF for daughter: Donation of $1K, daughter's wedding shower, daughter's elaborate baby shower, Grandson's christening party, etc. Our son is getting married next year, but he has not asked us for any money. He did ask that we pay for our own hotel rooms at the destination wedding. That is fine with me.
I am having difficulty saying "No" to our daughter. She is so nice in every way, but she has no problem asking for assistance. She makes more than both my husband and me. I am the one who has the problem. I am working on it.
Next time she asks, how do I tell her that we have given enough? That we prefer to donate to an account for our grandson's education instead?
Sorry - she's "so nice in every way" that she keeps asking for money (IVF isn't cheap!) even though she makes more than the both of you combined? Yes, you need to super nicely say - "I'd really love a new Lexus for my birthday!". And keep repeating some big gift ideas for yourself, especially after she asks you for something.
You're also risking a rift with your son if he learns of such a wide disparity - how much does he make?
Each got a late model used car when they proved themselves responsible enough.
My youngest boy is 25 and is struggling more than the others plus he botched a few financial decisions and made them worse by keeping it a secret so he really harmed his credit rating so now my mission is to get him on track before I retire in a year.
My brother was at uni at this time. He switched courses three times, spent long periods overseas and finally finished a three year degree in his early thirties. This was why we decided not to pay our kids fees upfront, we thought even though the fees were not high at that stage, they would act more responsibly if they had the financial responsibility.
If you can afford to pay for your kids' education without jeopardizing your retirement (and I know that's a MAJOR "if" for many people), there's an easy solution if they don't take their education seriously. Stop funding it. I would never use the possibility of irresponsibility as a reason not to pay from the beginning. My parents paid for all of ours (we each contributed maybe 10% from summer jobs) and there wasn't a goof-off or an unmarketable major in the bunch.
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