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Grad school can take all of someone’s time, energy, and emotional currency if it is at PhD level or similar. Add to that demands of married life and there is little left over. Her presumed coldness to you may only be efficiency. She probably told you now so you would not make the discovery at some later date and feel left out or harmed.
She didn’t finish grad school, she went through a lot of stress and changes. She did not tell her father or I what happened and we never asked, still a mystery.
I'm not sure why daughter having an abortion or anything else daughter did would deeply hurt OP.
First thing popped into my head was the daughter told OP something that happened to OP that she didn't know about. Like maybe being cheated on by spouse, or something terrible another relative said about her.
I have a sibling who deliberately told me a few things after we became adults just to hurt me. Like OP said, you can tell by the way they look at you, hoping to see your pain. It's not rebellion, it's mean and spiteful. I'm no longer in contact with that sibling. She's toxic to me.
That is not the issue. I am pro-choice, and it is her choice.
Last edited by happygrrrl; 06-22-2019 at 11:27 AM..
Married and 30 years old, your daughter is not "rebelling". She has an independent life of her own.
If your daughter's independence has made your life scary and tedious, that problem is yours, not hers.
Calling out for help when posting here is unlikely to help you. It seems clear professional help is needed.
That is not the message I conveyed. I’m not calling out for help, I’m just at a loss. I do NOT need unnecessary harshness. The phrase “professional is needed” is in no way helpful.
You say it was an insignificant issue for her, but a big deal to you, so is it so hard for you to believe that she didn't think it would mean that much to you? How would you know how she thought YOU would react???
I'm sorry, but until you come clean about what was said (I mean really, you're anonymous on a forum!) you aren't going to be getting any constructive help.
If you want openness, discussion, and closure, start doing it on the forum.
That is not the message I conveyed. I’m not calling out for help, I’m just at a loss. I do NOT need unnecessary harshness. The phrase “professional is needed” is in no way helpful.
If you are unhappy and at a loss on how to deal with things, counseling IS a good option. That's what they are there for, I don't think the advice is meant as insulting.
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. The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
This is it. Thank you. I feel I was blindsided, not for the first time. It’s like, “Here, I told you this, I am watching your reaction, what are you going to do about it?” But, the rule is that I must bite my tongue.
I love my daughter, but I’m tired of this. It started, as I said in her 20’s and never stopped. She dod not have a strict childhood, her needs were always important and attended to. She had many advantages and I am proud of her.
OP how do you think your daughter expects you to react? She seems bright and grown up to me and bet she can guess your reaction to hash this out. Since she is pulling away from you already I'd say think about how you react to this news. I think daughter wants more distance and suggest you give her some. Surprise her and give her more space than you have been.
Doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is not going to work. Surprise her and your self by moving on and letting this move into the bends of history without further discussion of it.
Be more independent of her as hard as that is and see if anything changes. If not you are no worse off for trying.
I feel like she dropped a bomb on me. She could have chosen to not drop the bomb. When she saw my reaction, she did not feel bad or offer empathy. I don’t understand the purpose of her doing this, and I don’t have a lot of energy now to put on a happy face and pretend it’s all good. That’s what I have been doing and now I’m very tired.
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