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I’m visiting her now. After she told me, I was upset, said I just couldn’t sit there & watch a movie and needed to be alone and left the room. This was something she could have kept to herself. She had to know that it would sadden me, and that I would never have found out if she hadn’t told me. I feel she could have used discretion and thought ahead of how the news would effect me.
Life for me has been rocky for the past decade. Starting retirement has been scary and tedious, and not at all what I had planned and hoped for. My relationship with my daughter has been a large part of my issues. She became distant after she met her husband and they started graduate school. It's like she is in some permanent rebellion mode, only I don’t know what or why she is rebelling. I’m talking about a woman in her 30’s who is a professional & has a pretty sweet life. She lives far from me & contacts me if/when she feels like it, so no demands on my part.
I’m placing this here because of the anonymity and because I feel I “know” other posters the best in the Retirement Forum. Also, others have mentioned relationship difficulties with their adult children. So, maybe someone else understands what I am trying to explain.
I almost feel like, from her facial expression and tone of voice, that she enjoyed telling me the bad news and seeing my reaction.
I don’t even know what to do now. Her preferred method for dealing with our “issues” is to drop it and pretend it never happened. My style is discussion and closure, which I haven’t been able to do since she started acting cold & testy with me. I mostly feel like we have no real relationship at all anymore.
For now, I’m going to go to sleep and face her and her husband in the morning. Any comments appreciated.
I don't know, I'm just having a hard time imagining what she told you that you, her mother, would've preferred she kept to herself. You would want her to keep the burden of a painful and shocking secret to herself?
Pretty difficult to comment without knowing more about all this. At first it reads as if you were implying that she did it to hurt you. OTOH, (trying to give the benefit of the doubt here), it is possible she was desperate to relieve the pressure/weight of whatever it was, and you were the one she entrusted it to. She may have felt you were strong enough to help her shoulder that weight. Was she wrong? Was that necessarily a bad thing? The testiness and coldness could have been due to the burden being carried and wasn't done intentionally. She could have also lost a sense that she knew herself because of it. Again, none of us know you two.
Keep in mind too that, from what you say, you have different styles of getting closure.
For her, just saying it is enough. Your attitude that she's pretending it never happened is being unfair. She's kept the secret this long. Now she has closure.
For you, closure involves discussion. That discussion could painful to her. She's gotten her closure.
Not offering any advice, just pointing out what you already know. I wonder if she's been distant just because of a difference in personality.
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
Beyond that, there's not much we can say (beyond suggesting that this thread belongs in Relationships Forum). We don't know the people involved or the situation (and don't wish to know, BTW.). We're not professional counselors, so we can't give advice. The most we can do is give a general impression. If that's what you want, here it is: keep any discussion non dramatic and non confrontational. Focus on the fact that you miss feeling close to her, and even though it hurts to hear something like this you're glad she felt comfortable sharing it with you. Maybe ask if there's something she wants you to do with the information. The end.
Last edited by Piney Creek; 06-22-2019 at 05:59 AM..
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
Beyond that, there's not much we can say (beyond suggesting that this thread belongs in Relationships Forum). We don't know the people involved or the situation (and don't wish to know, BTW. Again this isn't the Relationships forum). We're not professional counselors, so we can't give advice. The most we can do is give a general impression. If that's what you want, here it is: keep any discussion non dramatic and non confrontational. Focus on the fact that you miss feeling close to her, and even though it hurts to hear something like this you're glad she felt comfortable sharing it with you. Maybe ask if there's something she wants you to do with the information. The end.
I think this is pretty good advice. If you feel like she sort of threw this in your face to hurt you, that might be true, but it's an opening to talk, at least, about something that's obviously deeply personal to both of you. If you can keep things from escalating, and keep her talking, maybe the air can be cleared a bit and open up the lines of communication again.
It is impossible to say anything without knowing specifically what was said.
Sure it is. You're just curious.
The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
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