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If we end up "warehoused", so be it, I like that visual.
A visiting nurse may be good enough for some with mobility until memory issues surface. That is our plan at this early stage of retirement.
Like many we will try to stay in our place as long as we can, but I expect based on family history she will out live me by 10 years or more. We love the house and property as it's where we raised our kids for a great deal of their lives and spent the majority of our life together. It's where our grandchild will spend a lot of time as my wife & I will be the care provider with my daughter working.
It's just not worth moving in our particular case so we will create a downstairs bed room out of our family room that has a fire place and looks out into the wooded back yard . Expand the laundry room that is just behind that to include a walk in tub and sit down shower designed for seniors and modify anything else needed on the first level to make it friendlier as we age.
I could care less about resale value impacted by these mods. The house has a garage but no steps down into it to navigate. The upstairs may be turned in to an empty sheet covered haunted house
Basically take the two story we have and reconfigure the down stairs into a rancher. Have a nurse stop in , the HELP I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP SYSTEM installed. I know everyone thinks they can stay at home and a lot of changes can occur that forces your hand, but its early for us and like everyone else we like to tell ourselves this will work.
My MIL in her late 80's recently sold her car but I suspect the kids still living near by insisted. She only recently gave up volunteer work. She started getting lost and left the engine running in the garage after a grocery run. It ran out of gas as fortunately the tank was low or it might have killed her and the couple in the attached twin. She has the emergency call button system installed all around the house and the call button necklace to hang around her neck if she fell out of reach of one, but she does not wear it. Seems she was in her now little used upstairs puttering about and leaned on a shelf accidently setting it off without realizing it.
The operator called and called , no answer, so as they should have they called the police and fire dept. She heard a pounding on the door came down to find a crowd on the stoop. She was embarrassed and won't wear the button now. I think all her kids are in denial about what is happening and though they do feel she should not be in the home alone and would benefit from assisted living with people to interact with, no one is pressing it or taking her to visit a few close by. My FIL left her well off financially so she can afford it. She is the last of her large group of siblings and most of the people she grew up with, were friends with as a young mom etc have all died. I think this is the hardest thing to deal with as you age.
I suspect my wife will have this same memory issue as virtually all her aunts in a large family exhibited this near their lives ends. I need to talk to my kids about it and have a concrete plan for them to help her. Most of the aunts passed from other complications and diseases of old age but one was in care for about 1.5 year oblivious to everything, recognized no one and was otherwise very unhappy before she passed.
You can never be sure but I feel the money we have set aside should be there when she needs it for this eventuality. With the older population increasing the costs may go out of control in the next 10 to 20 years but we are not going to drive ourselves crazy. There is no way of predicting.
Try to stay healthy, have a few close friends to watch out for each other and enjoy the years you have left to the best of your ability.
I am another of the loners who has no one to help me when I reach the point I can't help myself. I will look into that book I've heard about (can't remember the name) that gives some ideas how to end your own life.
If my state allows physician assisted end of life, I'll do that.
I was there for my mother when she became ill and died (neither of my two sisters had any interest). Then I had to move my oldest sister (she had cerebral palsy and her mind was failing) into a nursing home (I worked full time, had a one bedroom apartment) and her daughter wasn't interested in having her move in, either. My second sister had kids who took care of the details.
I have a nephew out of state who doesn't speak to me (3 years!!) due to a comment I made about the election (2016). But he said before that he would take care of it (I made him a beneficiary in a life insurance policy). My kids....... well let's not go there.
I wish in a way that we were more like the animals who sense when they are dying to wander off and find a place to die.
I had thought at one time of moving to an area with mountains where when things were going downhill (no pun intended) for me to wander off and finish life there.
Possibly, this is the book you referred to. "Final Exit"
Many years ago there was an article in the Atlantic written by a doctor. In it he discussed how aging and healthcare has really done a disservice to people. Yes, since 1900 we live 50% longer but the number of quality years we have has only gone up about 20%. He described it thus:
In other words, we spend a lot more time now lingering but not dying. The author of the article says the ideal age to die now is about 75 and has lots of data to back that up. Of course for most people that is not actionable information, but it nevertheless tells me that longevity is perhaps overrated.
Interesting that the writer of the article has zeroed in on the same age (75) that I have been saying for years as the average age when quality of life starts to go seriously downhill. Again, I want to stress the word, "average"!
P.S. I do agree with the author 100 percent. Great article!
Just a note that while it is OK to discuss having an "Exit Strategy", detailed discussions of "how I would do it " are NOT allowed. They can be triggering for people with depression. Thanks.
Yes, the dying process has been dragged out to almost a ridiculous point.
We have a relative who had a pacemaker put in at age 96. Two doctors refused but one finally did the procedure. He cannot see or hear well and can barely walk with a walker - will soon be full time in a wheelchair. There are other health complications which I will not go into but every week is filled with doc appointments and one crisis after another. Assisted living would be impossible so for now he lives at home with a willing relative (who will inherit the house and all).
People face their circumstances very differently as my mother (90s), when in her final hospital visit, would pointedly say to the doctor every visit, “I have a DNR and don’t you forget it, young man!”. The doctor just hid his smile (he was at least 55 years old) but he told us she was one of the smart ones.
....For-profit Elder Care exists to extract money from old people. Most people who land in assisted living have at least mild dementia issues or they'd still be at home aging in place.
"Extract money"=give services. It's the U.S., these extras don't come with tax money.......but that's politics.
I wonder about the second sentence. My mother went in because she had pervasive orthoarthritis which prevented her from doing much of anything in the way of housework and cooking. Her husband had had a heart attack (or two) in the past and was getting weaker and more easily fatigued. They both had driving licenses, but both knew that they were not capable physically of driving a car. Mentally that had all their marbles, even if they were living as if Eisenhower were still president. But that is a question of values, not dementia.
The others in the assisted living part of the community were all suffering from physical limitations.
"Extract money"=give services. It's the U.S., these extras don't come with tax money.......but that's politics.
I wonder about the second sentence. My mother went in because she had pervasive orthoarthritis which prevented her from doing much of anything in the way of housework and cooking. Her husband had had a heart attack (or two) in the past and was getting weaker and more easily fatigued. They both had driving licenses, but both knew that they were not capable physically of driving a car. Mentally that had all their marbles, even if they were living as if Eisenhower were still president. But that is a question of values, not dementia.
The others in the assisted living part of the community were all suffering from physical limitations.
I was having a conversation over the phone with the business guy at my mother’s assisted living place a couple of years ago. I said something about my mother’s dementia. His cynical reply was “everybody here has dementia”. Maybe a bit of hyperbole but it’s the main reason why people can’t live independently.
Many years ago there was an article in the Atlantic written by a doctor. In it he discussed how aging and healthcare has really done a disservice to people. Yes, since 1900 we live 50% longer but the number of quality years we have has only gone up about 20%. He described it thus:
In other words, we spend a lot more time now lingering but not dying. The author of the article says the ideal age to die now is about 75 and has lots of data to back that up. Of course for most people that is not actionable information, but it nevertheless tells me that longevity is perhaps overrated.
So if this doctor feels that healthcare which includes research that does create treatments, procedures, devices, etc. that do indeed extend life and can for some depending on their specific disease process enhance their quality of life is the solution to put a stop age where these modalities can no longer be offered and received ???
I can tell you from my experience of working as an R.N. now going on my 42nd year and I will leave the care of children out of my comment because that is entirely other dilemma which can and does at times lead to legal battles, but to place the blame entirely on 'healthcare" as doing a disservice to people by it's ability to extend life even it is a low quality of life, there has to been a consenting adult to agree to receive those life extending modalities, and we as consenting adults still have the ability to just say no.
Just this past week one of the patients that I case manage his care had 3 hospital admission this past month. This patient is 99 years old and fully cognitively intact and can and does make his own informed decisions regarding his healthcare. Sadly he has late stage bladder cancer which is beyond any type of treatment interventions including surgery, chemo, etc. This patient's cancer causes profuse bleeding which leads very quickly to severe anemia, and since there is no treatment that can be given that will stop the bleeding which will prevent the development of the resulting severe anemia this requires very frequent blood transfusions. And because of his advanced age and having a cardiac status that is not 100% he is prone to go into CHF from volume overload during transfusion so he can't get them as many do in an outpatient setting so he had to be admitted to get transfused as he needs close monitoring during the process. And within several days of being discharged from the hospital he or his family calls to notify that he is getting weak and requests a transfusion and his family is onboard with his decision even though all know these transfusion are a short fix and the day will come when the bleeding becomes so profuse that the transfusions will no longer be effective in combating the resulting anemia which at that point the outcome will be death. But this patient and his family want these transfusions to continue despite them not enhancing the quality of his life but only extending it.
So where do we draw the line in the sand ??? Do we stop the advances in healthcare gained by research that creates new drugs, treatments, procedures, etc. than can and do extend the life for example of a 50 year old who has significant coronary artery disease that will likely die if they don't have a stent placed, but deny a 75 year old because of their age a stent who has the same disease process ??? I can tell you from my perspective of knowing personally many people and indirectly some on this board in the 75 age range living good quality lives, I would feel very sad to learn if they need and desired to have such a procedure as a stent that would extend the length and hopefully the quality of their lives were denied it because of their age.
These are very serious ethical issues, but honestly my concern is focused more on having limited or no ability to say yes to a modality that very well could not only save but enhance my life and those two antihypertensive medications I take right now are doing just that.
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