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My childhood trauma has been surfacing lately and I sometimes wake up with a pounding heart and a feeling of terror and, then feel anger.
I wondered why it was happening but, upon reflection, during my working years, I really didn't have the time to reflect on the past, only the present.
I had a lot of responsibility at work, trying to find solutions to help the communities we worked with get out of poverty and I think even during my sleeping hours I was resolving problems. That could be it, at least for me. I really couldn't let it interfere in my life before but now have time to remember.
I don't think about my dysfunctional childhood situation any more often now that I am retired. I acknowledge that it was just the situation I was born into. What's done is done and somehow I made it through and feel contentment now. I do however as I get older, feel some sadness/regret that my parents made their own lives so needlessly difficult.
Maybe they just have more free time to dwell on the issues and repressed "X" for years.
I can't imagine those issues just randomly bubbling up decades ex post facto.
May I gently suggest that you aren't very psychologically astute at your young age.
Things certainly don't come up "randomly." Without the need to soldier on and maintain work and family requirements, the coping mechanisms loosen or fall apart. Also, there are apparently enough years from events that some strengths are built up and the person is able to see the whole process more clearly.
I think the word "dwell" is insulting, frankly. Like people just have time to sit around and ruminate. It's a lot more intricate and entwined.
May I gently suggest that you aren't very psychologically astute at your young age.
Things certainly don't come up "randomly." Without the need to soldier on and maintain work and family requirements, the coping mechanisms loosen or fall apart. Also, there are apparently enough years from events that some strengths are built up and the person is able to see the whole process more clearly.
I think the word "dwell" is insulting, frankly. Like people just have time to sit around and ruminate. It's a lot more intricate and entwined.
Of course it is.
This sparked a memory of a writing article I read wherein a young man had a character in a story who was an older, retired person who was depressed. The writing instructor said it wasn't clear why the character was depressed. The young author said, "I thought that was obvious. He's retired, so he's sitting around with nothing to do all the time and just thinking about how bad his life was." The instructor told him to go back and revisit his prejudices
Closer to death, more pondering and possible upset, and focus on the end and waning time.
In retirement, more time to think.
No distraction of all the demands that work encompassed every day which tended to keep one's mind occupied on meeting the demands.
For single people, no automatic cushion of being surrounded by people at work.
"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."
Pink Floyd - "Time"
I don't think about my dysfunctional childhood situation any more often now that I am retired. I acknowledge that it was just the situation I was born into. What's done is done and somehow I made it through and feel contentment now. I do however as I get older, feel some sadness/regret that my parents made their own lives so needlessly difficult.
I worked on it bit at a time over decades. I realized why my mother was abusive, and why my father let her do that to me. My siblings handled it differently.
In my case, at 66 I reflect over Days of Future Past due to so many friends, family and famous people that have died the older we get. Seems like starting about age 55, old high school buddies started dropping. The rock stars we all grew up with are now starting to go. The tough one was the year I turned 64 the age my father passed away.
Throw in 2 grandkids that are now growing up so fast. I'm still working but really have no desire to learn, change and adapt to all the new procedures and technology like I would have been all over 20 years ago.
All of that makes me reflect on my mortality.
The world spins faster and I just want to spend my remaining days enjoying the beauty, When I was 40 I knew I had many good years left. At 66 I know I don't.
I understand why many become more religious as they near the end of their life.
My only past regrets which I know I cannot change is Being largely responsible for losing a 35 year marriage to a very good woman.
But that is the past and we are still good friends and parents of 2 fine kids.
I reflect over Days of Future Past due to so many friends, family and famous people that have died the older we get. Seems like starting about age 55, old high school buddies started dropping. The rock stars we all grew up with are now starting to go. The tough one was the year I turned 64 the age my father passed away.
You must be my brother from another mother. The only differences for me are that my high school friends started dropping dead at 45 or younger. Also, when I recently exceeded the age that my sister, who was more like a mother to me died...that was jolting. Then I exceeded the age that my high school boyfriend was when he passed...another shock. In the last year I’ve experienced the passing of a friend from way back, 2 former co-workers, 3 neighbors. Welcome to the reality of aging. Whew.
This thread has helped me get out of my own head and realize that others are having similar emotions...so I, and others, I hope, are not feeling as alone with our thoughts, regrets, what-ifs, whatever.
I've done a lot of work to free myself of unfinished business, especially the family stuff, and I think what's left comes up in my dream life. Some of it seems so insignificant I have consciously forgotten it but fall to sleep and - there it is! It always seems so dumb - a disturbing dream about a high school squabble or something like that. No biggies have shown up for a long time. But there are still little nagging pieces of my past that call for attention.
I think it's normal and even healthy to want to clean house before you leave. I look at it as one of my life tasks and try to be diligent about my part in it all as I think accepting responsibility for why it bothers me may hold the key to releasing it. Might be as simple as a false belief I am still carrying. Might be a principle of behavior that I violated and I still feel guilty about it. Need to check myself. Is my brain telling me I'm still careless about that?
It's a real kindness, I think, to listen to another person speak their truth out loud. There's something freeing about telling another person and sometimes just the act of verbalizing stirs hidden memories and possible solutions. It's a valuable gift to truly listen to each other and now we have time.
I was volunteering in a memory loss ward where an old woman was dying. As I sat with her it became increasingly apparent that she was in terrible distress about being sexually abused as a child. It was painful to watch her grief.
I couldn't help but think how unfortunate it was that this woman was dying with so much emotional pain. Was it true or a figment of her addled brain? It really didn't matter. For some reason her thoughts were tortured and for an unknown reason she had no respite.
The time I spent with her still haunts my memory.
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