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Think about how many good friendships turn out to be contingent on circumstance. That college buddy you had such fun times with, the neighbor whose kids were like family, the coworker that made you look forward to work, the friends from your team...those are often real friendships, where you support each other, have real rapport, have one another's backs, make one another's lives easier and more enjoyable...but then when your life circumstances change, you say "We'll keep in touch!" and then...it just doesn't happen as time goes on. The thing that brought you together and kept you together was the activity.
I think a lot of marriages are like that. You had a mission together, making a home, making a life. It gave you something in common, and it provided opportunities for you to help and support one another, reinforcing your bond. Then the kids are grown, your careers are wrapping up...but you didn't move on to something new, you're still in the same house, following the same old routines. If you're still very compatible and genuinely enjoy each other's company, you can get a lovely situation like Ralph Kirk describes. But if there's some friction, you might start to dwell on the problems you're causing one another rather than the problems you're solving with one another. Maybe you need a new mission for your partnership...but first you need to decide whether you're still committed, willing and able to tackle a new mission together.
My grandparents separated after nearly 60 years of marriage because they couldn't stand each other anymore. They lived apart for a little over a year, then got back together because they got lonely for each other. Stayed together until grandmother had to go into a nursing home. Their kids stayed out of it other than making sure they were both safe and comfortable since they were living alone.
I doubt the marriage was that perfect all those years and suddenly went south when they retired. More likely, the careers and children kept them so busy that they didn't have to spend as much time together as they do now, so they had a buffer.
Our neighbors in their 80’s divorced after many years together. He was a retired doctor and moved out to live with a women 30 years younger than him. I guess the idea that long married partners go off into the sunset together doesn’t ring true for some people.
I have often heard that when you retire it should be not what you are retiring from, but what you are retiring to. If you don't have some sort of retirement plan, and not just finances, you often retire not being on the same page and then trying to figure out what you want your retirement to look like. By then you may realize that you want very different things. Can you compromise or is it time to move on? I would at least hope they will try counseling and see if it helps the situation. They need some time away from each other with completely different interests and other people to do things with. And some things they plan to do with each other. If nothing makes you happy together it just may be time to move on. Wish them the best. Forty years is a lot of years to just throw the towel in too fast.
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I see many retired couples in the same situation and I expect to be in a similar one. DH is retiring in a few weeks - I imagine he'll sleep in, watch TV - youtube - play his hidden object games and drink beer. Hopefully he'll be bored after a few weeks but I doubt it. Meanwhile the wife still has the cleaning, cooking ect..- so you do feel irrated watching your spouse go and do as they please.
I see many retired couples in the same situation and I expect to be in a similar one. DH is retiring in a few weeks - I imagine he'll sleep in, watch TV - youtube - play his hidden object games and drink beer. Hopefully he'll be bored after a few weeks but I doubt it. Meanwhile the wife still has the cleaning, cooking ect..- so you do feel irrated watching your spouse go and do as they please.
My wife had a honey-do list.
But I've been an inveterate DIYer for decades, so with a garage full of tools, I had my own to-do list. The house is a project (system accessibility was one of the points I was looking for when we bought it). The first thing I did was to nicely screen in our backyard porch (including ceiling fans and lights). Then I put a garden around it. My wife now spends each pleasant day out there as her outdoor WFH office.
I've been up in the attic this past winter and spring doing electrical installations.
My wife is an excellent cook and baker, so I leave that to her, but I have taken on the job of keeping her kitchen clean.
I also have time now to be consistent with physical fitness. I've put in a gym in one bedroom and I put in an hour each morning with weight training and cardio. I haven't been this fit since I retired from the military. Actually, I'm stronger than I was then. And I have more time for the gun range, although covid and the related ammo shortage put something of a damper on that.
But I've been an inveterate DIYer for decades, so with a garage full of tools, I had my own to-do list. The house is a project (system accessibility was one of the points I was looking for when we bought it). The first thing I did was to nicely screen in our backyard porch (including ceiling fans and lights). Then I put a garden around it. My wife now spends each pleasant day out there as her outdoor WFH office.
I've been up in the attic this past winter and spring doing electrical installations.
My wife is an excellent cook and baker, so I leave that to her, but I have taken on the job of keeping her kitchen clean.
I also have time now to be consistent with physical fitness. I've put in a gym in one bedroom and I put in an hour each morning with weight training and cardio. I haven't been this fit since I retired from the military. Actually, I'm stronger than I was then. And I have more time for the gun range, although covid and the related ammo shortage put something of a damper on that.
This is pretty much us. We have 2 acres and DH has spent the last month making sure the irrigation system is working, planting stuff I buy, and putting in new drip lines for my veggie garden. Pruning, trimming, etc.
When he is busy like this I leave him alone, except for dinner dishes. Those are his. Otherwise I have a running list of things to do. I worry, I don't want him to get bored.
I'm very task oriented, so I make sure my day is part housekeeping, part cooking, part repair projects (caulking, painting, etc), 1.5 hours exercise (got out of shape), part hobbies, and part organizing and planning trips.
No TV until 6 or 7 pm.
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I was away from City Data for a day and was shocked to see 60 replies to my post about my parent's marriage going south after retirement. The replies so are thoughtful and helpful.
While their marriage may not have been 100% perfect it seemed like it was nearly perfect. I am sure there were some quiet small disagreements over the years the kids and extended family did not know about.
I think their biggest mistake was moving from their large 4000 square foot home with a finished basement- my Dad loved to hang out in- to a small 1200 square foot CONDO. Now they are on top of each other nearly 24/7. They are getting on each other's nerves with way too much togetherness.
In the past, they saw each other only about 2-3 waking hours a day. They were so busy with the kids, their careers, and countless church, civic and work related activities. Now they have nothing to do. They are poor retired people and don't do the countless things many of you guys do.
Dad loved to go down to the finished basement of the old home to his MAN CAVE to read, play with the Internet, watch TV or just sit and be with himself. In the small condo, the man cave is gone and the extra television and computers put in storage. You can't go from being incredibly busy and having your man cave to being trapped together in a small condo with one TV, one computer with no where to escape, without serious conflict.
Not without adjustments on the part of both, I'd say. And all the replies expressing so many different thoughts ( I haven't read them all yet, but I will as I find them interesting) shows how marriage, and each individual's part in the relationship is as unique as the people who make up these relationships. There is no one size fits all, or categorically right or wrong solution to the issues of too much togetherness or other issues that rear their wierd heads in the process of growing old together ( or apart, as the couple sees fit).
When the topic of divorce comes up, I always think of the question Ann Landers ( or was it her twin, Dear Abby) always asked of people who asked her advice about considering divorce. Her question, "Would you be better off with, or without him/her", the answer to whether to divorce or not would depend on the answer to this question. I think it's pretty much the major consideration, though the reasons behind the answers are unique to each person/ couple.
That said, as a long married ( 42 yrs) retired person living day in and day out with my husband, I can all too well understand the annoyances and just plain sick of dealing with those habits and mannerisms on constant display by our ever present spouses. It's even worse, I think sometimes, to watch these guys ( from the perspective as the old lady spouse) turning into the ever wierder old curmudgeons. It's a reality, for sure, albeit colored by our total perspectives.
That said, my husband and I have always been supportive of each other in our involvement in outside interests and hobbies, and differing perspectives on issues around us, likes, dislikes, etc. That helps a great deal now as we can "get out of each other's hair" when we want to, and need to.
The other thing, I believe, that makes our union still strong after all these years, and all this togetherness, is that we both know, and affirm every day, how much we mean to each other, and how our relationship is the most important thing in our lives. Makes me realize how deeply I love this man, how much I respect him for his integrity and honesty, and how I'd go to the ends of the earth for him. And from all I see, he feels the same way about me. Not that we don't ever argue, or get on each others' nerves sometimes, but our ongoing loving relationship, I believe, puts all these other things in perspective as not important.
I didn't read through the previous 11 pages but 2 things I consider when putting a long term marriage in perspective. Sorry if this repeats something posted earlier.
One is that until just very recently in human history marriage was absolutely an economic necessity, not a romantic or compatibility situation which is a very recent notion in humanity. People did what they had to do to make the best of who they found themself with & hoped most of the children would survive to take care of them in old age. The extended family was the norm then. And "old age" would be counted as surviving into their late 40-50's. This is still the case in rural, undeveloped societies today.
That we now live into our 80's & beyond & expect one person to "fulfill" 60+ years of partnership is a relatively new concept as is living in a "nuclear' family, not an extended one. I have never been surprised that after their financial struggle & then the child rearing years being done, a couple of healthy, financially secure & active adults in a modern, mobile society where women can have economic independence & the children live a distance away, that the last 30 years together could be a bit much for at least one of a couple.
So I'm definitely sympathetic to those wanting a "silver" divorce.
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