My parents who had the perfect marriage are tired of each other in retirement! (beach, fighting)
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It sounds as though they need to get involved in some fun activities. Some colleges offer affordable classes for seniors and even day trips, for instance. They could each take their own classes, based on their own individual interests (history, literature, photography, gardening, etc). Maybe they could enjoy an occasional educational day trip together.
Golfing, bowling, fitness centers, etc might also be fun for them.
To me, it sounds like they are both lacking purpose and they are going a bit stir crazy and getting on each others nerves. They need to get out more. Maybe they could rent an RV and see if they enjoy traveling to pretty parks and going camping.
Marriage counseling is, of course, a good option, too. But if these conflicts are new for them then it might just work to address what is causing them to be at each other in the first place. It sounds like too much togetherness w/o purpose to me.
I have seldom seen marriage counseling work with friends and family. The reason mostly is by the time the couple went to counseling, one was already emotionally out the door. Some only went to give the appearance of “trying”.
In one case, they stayed together and even worse problems kept coming up. They both said they should have left earlier when they eventually split.
If the “feeling” is gone, it is very hard to revive. Most of the divorces I knew about have sadly been one-sided.
OP, suggest counseling and refuse to be caught in the middle. It will only cause more issues and you will end up as another casualty.
By "work" I am assuming you mean that the marriage stayed together via the counseling. I just mean counseling in general - we can call it marriage counseling, or divorce counseling, or navigation counseling or whatever. I personally believe that when we are in uncharted waters, it's easy to let emotion dictate decisions and that's when we need to be very rational and level headed. I've always found counseling to be helpful.
It worked for me, too. I got my husband to agree to marriage counseling and called one. The counselor said he wanted to speak to each of us individually. I went first. At the end of the session, the counselor said, "I don't really see much hope for your marriage." I said, "Listen, since he agreed to go, please see him for his scheduled appointment."
My ex didn't show up for the appointment or even call to cancel. That kind of sealed it in my mind, although it was a little longer until he was out the door. There is a point of no return when it's just too late.
That's what happened with my ex. I went alone to marriage counseling first, and just from what I said, the counselor said it was too far gone for MC to work at this point. He never went. So I bailed....
We had a major shared interest too---riding down the entire Pacific Crest Trail on horseback. That wasn't even enough, after doing half of it. You don't want craziness and violent tempers out in the wilderness, far away from civilization.
When it's time to hang up the spurs, it's time.
OP, could they have a trial separation? That might clarify their feelings.
My second marriage is much better …we are both interested in the same things ….we both have the same spending attitude as well .
In fact there are times I wish we were more opposite …it is like we have no adult supervision ….
Being both in to photography there is no one to say don’t buy that multi thousand dollar lens ..nope, , my wife would say we need two of them as she wants one .
I said to her I think I want to get a more higher end car for my 70th birthday …next thing I know she is looking at Maserati and corvettes .
So sometimes a bit of opposite can be a good thing to tone things down a bit
That’s a hoot. Just think how different your life would be if you’d stayed married to number 1?
I look at it this way...after 40 years you realize that you’re headed for the last round up, and life is too short to waste it being unhappy.
Adult children need to understand that the fantasy is over.
Last edited by gentlearts; 05-08-2021 at 03:31 PM..
Working kept them apart most of the day and gave them opportunities to be with other people. A friend, who was a doctor, retired after many years and had nothing to do. He lamented he didn't have hobbies and should have done so while he was working.
Many couples plan their "bucket list" to accomplish when they retired. In this case, not sure either have hobbies or plans to travel or the like.
Many times the parents hide their animosity and disagreements from the family and children, believing they are protecting them. This might be your case. Stay out of it.
People change over time. People always change. The person you marry today will not be the same person ten years from now, and neither will you.
If a couple doesn't take care--make specific effort--to change in the same direction, they will change in different directions.
You're right: Plan bucket lists. Develop compatible hobbies. Keep doing things together and making plans together.
Most importantly: Be sure that the marriage--the two of you together--is always your most important relationship, the one you always make time for, the one you give top priority.
Don't let jobs or even children take priority over the marriage. Yes, on some specific times you have no choice...but always make it up to the marriage, and then some.
I was reading an article about B & M Gates and it talked about how as people live longer, when they become 50 or 60 they realize they may have decades in their life left and don't want to live it unhappy so they choose to divorce. That made sense to me about why there's been an increase in older people getting divorces. People do change. Sometimes it may not be anyone's fault. Why not release each other to enjoy the rest of their life?
I wonder what their success rate is. I think a lot of people avoid counseling (because of the stigma or because it's admitting they have a problem they can't handle on their own or because psychology is voodoo to some...?) I'd guess something like 20% success, with the people renewing the marriage and getting back on the right track etc. But maybe we have to allow for the possibility that divorce can be a success. Some marriages shouldn't have happened in the first place, and somer can't be fixed or whatever, and knowing for sure that it's irreparable seems to be a kind of blessing because you can each get on with your new separate lives and not have to wonder later if you did the right thing.
Two co-workers of mine (a young man and a young woman) began dating and married. They're intelligent folks and I bet both had similar views on politics and religion, similar appetite for sex, similar notions about wanting kids or not, all that. Yet I don't think it lasted a year. He told me that she was basically too clingy. In his family, on Saturdays the men go fishing or golfing or do something active like that and the women go shopping, get their hair done, and things like that. She didn't want to be apart that long; she felt abandoned. He needed time with the men; he felt suffocated.
I hadn't considered it before, but each person has an ideal amount of "me time" and "us time." It sounds like retirement has unbalanced that for the OP's parents. If that's really the only problem, a marriage counselor might help them iron it out. If there are other problems and they're willing to talk about them, those could possibly be worked out too. But maybe one of them simply wants out and this is a convenient excuse.
Only the OP's parents know what was going on behind closed doors these many years.
Yes, the men go fishing and play golf, but when you have babies and small children somebody has to take care of them. The wife cannot run off shopping and getting her hair done if the husband is gone all day. Who does the washing, ironing, mopping, dusting, house cleaning. grocery shopping, cooking, etc. One is off enjoying himself, and the other is tied down with kids and housework. Recipe for disaster.
I worked with a nurse who worked full time night shifts. Her husband worked regular 9-5. I remember sitting with her one night shift, at about 3am, over coffee, and she said that she realized the only thing keeping them together was their opposite schedules. They didn't have any children. They divorced once she left to work a normal job with normal hours.
I gather that they are sharing their marriage woes with you. You can't tell them what to do, but you can suggest marriage counseling. You definitely don't want to take sides.
I would suggest asking them if they can remember why they got married. Ask what they remember as the best times in their marriage. Maybe they need a reminder of good times
If one finds their spouse to be a horrible person, why did they marry them in the first place? Yes, people change, but usually they keep their core value system.
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