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Mom still had 3 kids at home and 2 out and on their own. The youngest just 10, the oldest 26. She was busy planning a wedding for kid #4, college for #2, and keeping #3 out of trouble. Oh, and working full time managing a donut shop as a single mom.
Dad had passed six years prior.
Took many years to realize how hard she had it, yet she always had a smile on her face. Strong, independent woman.
Probably the most interesting thread in years here (for me). It is something DW and I actually have talked about over the last 20+ years, and perhaps other couples have as well. “You know, when Dad, (Mom etc) was our age…..”
My parents married very young and fought constantly but had enough moments of “family” while we were young that I appreciate I had a good childhood. My father was always very hard working, started his own one man construction company, and was fairly successful considering he was an immigrant with a 6th grade education. Mother was born in the US to immigrant parents and graduated HS. She always deluded herself insisting she was smarter than she was. They made a LOT of financial and life mistakes, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. I couldn’t WAIT to go off to college, and get away from their issues. My father was incredibly proud when I graduated near the top of my class, both in HS & college. Both times my mother seemed resentful. They WERE smart enough to retire younger than any of their children, mainly by my fathers hard work at buying small homes and building a large one around it then Selling and doing it all over. They had little income, (I had started my first job out of college and 3 months later my mother asked me for a loan) but finally they did save & moved (mid 50s) to Florida and were smart enough to let Merrill Lynch handle their investments, since they had little other income until their small SS came in. Mom handled all the finances and Dad did some renovations for people when he was bored of fishing and bowling. Having collected SS @ 62, with a nice, paid off home, they were definitely retired at my age. Some good times intermingled with mostly dysfunctional times. They really had nothing in common, besides kids & grandkids. They could have done so much and didn’t.
At my age (64) my father had just decided to divorce my mother, because he finally made the effort to talk to their FA and found out that Mom, a compulsive gambler, (constantly lied about how successful she was), had lost about half of their savings, over a few years, was a chain smoker (he had quit in his 30s) and a flirt. (I’m being kind). He pretty much filed for divorce the next day and couldn’t even be in the same room with her. She acted like it was nothing and pretended she had no idea why this happening. It was her money too, to do with as she pleased, as far as she was concerned.
She was passively self destructive but always insisted she didn’t have a problem, practically until weeks before she died at 68, from COPD complications. She would have been dead broke in 1-2 years at most.
They both lived in small separate homes (paid for) in the same town (opposite ends), where she continued her gambling & smoking & such. I loved her, but it was mostly memories I loved. Whenever I visited, I was fairly anxious to leave. She was resentful of her children’s successes which she always interpreted as the cause of her life’s woes. Weeks before she died, during a visit to her, she actually said “Don’t get me wrong, I love you kids, but you wrecked my life, and nothing turned out the way I dreamed because of all of you and your father”. For some strange reason, she thought she was destined to be a movie star, when she had never acted a day in her life. We are not a particularly good looking family either, LOL. A week before she died I got a letter from her with a check for $10,000. She said she sold the car as she couldn’t drive anymore, and wanted me to have this gift, because she felt bad about what she had said and was glad I had visited & was happy for me. I’ve read it a thousand times.
Dad finally had peace and quiet & as he told me many times “Finally it is my turn to live my life with nobody telling me what to do. I want everyone to stop bothering me with their problems.” We spoke on the phone a few times a year, visited him maybe 6 times over the next 10 years. He was a very successful bowler, rolling 12 perfect games in league play, the last, about a year before he died. He loved bowling. He had taught me as a kid, my best memories, and the last real time we bonded was when he was 77 and we bowled a few games together where his buddies all said how he bragged about his kids all the time.
He died in 2019 just short of 81 from CHF & pneumonia, with heart breaking episodes of dementia memory loss due to loss of oxygen to the brain. I saw him the day before he died and he had no idea who I was, (or anybody else, including my sister who was taking care of him in their home) except for about 5 minutes when he was surprised to see me there and told me I looked just like his son, only much older. He couldn’t understand how it could be me. He asked me to please let him die, he was in so much pain & misery. It was a grateful yet horrible experience I would never wish on anyone.
Last edited by Perryinva; 01-19-2022 at 03:01 AM..
Unfortunately, both my parents were deceased by the time I hit 30. They were both in their 50s when they died. Both were still working their full-time jobs - dad an electrician and mom working for the Federal government.
Dad died mysteriously after a year's decline in health. When he was finally in the hospital, they ran all kinds of tests but could not figure out what was wrong with him. Unfortunately, mom did not get an autopsy done so it is still a mystery. My mother passed five years later from colon cancer. Her health was failing but she procrastinated on going to a doctor. By the time we convinced her, she was diagnosed and died two week's later.
Early deaths do not run in my family. My grandmothers died at 89 and 95. My one grandmother's brother just died at 99. Grandfathers were both in their 80s.
I honestly did not think my dad would make 80. He had COPD and emphysema. But I was not surprised mom made it to 94.
When I think about “time”…. It does go fast. We spent 20 years in our last house and now it seems like a nanosecond in time. If I have 20 more years on the planet - that does not seem like much.
When my parents were 75 they were retired and enjoying the antique hobby/business and taking trips, including once a year to visit me for a month during the winter and a month in Florida before heading back to cold NYC.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlb
When I think about “time”…. It does go fast. We spent 20 years in our last house and now it seems like a nanosecond in time.
Heck yes. I was in my last house for 21 years until 2 1/2 years ago. Those 2 1/2 years seem like yesterday when I was running around looking for suitable homes to downsize into.
In 1992 my parents were fairly recent empty nesters. Dad was traveling internationally for work and Mom was at home. All three of us kids were married, in different parts of the country, and starting careers. In not too many more years Dad would retire and they would move from the suburbs to a small farm in the country to raise cut flowers and a few veggies for sale at a farmer's market.
I turned 70 last week, my father died at 71 after being mostly bedridden & in pain for 4-5 years after a series of strokes wrecked him. My mother went on for another 28 years passing just before turning 94yo. At 70 she was still very lively & engaged in a lot of social activities with her friends & I took her on a few vacation trips over the years including overseas.
I know it's a little bit of bad form to quote myself but it seems better for the flow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Physics Guy
In not too many more years Dad would retire and they would move from the suburbs to a small farm in the country to raise cut flowers and a few veggies for sale at a farmer's market.
Not directly in answer to the question but in the general spirit I'll add some more. In many respects my life is broadly similar. 30 years on and now we are the empty nesters. I'm retiring earlier than my dad did but the biggest difference is that they worked their cut flower farm for 10 years after his retirement and I'm not planning on anything that demanding or vigorous.
At times I count myself as lazy. My dad has always been more driven to be productive that I am. He seems slightly proud of the fact that both his sons have been able to retire early without big financial issues but he also seems just slightly unsure of the whole idea of not being productive.
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