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Free, I have done caregiving and no one can do it for a long time if the person has dementia. They often don’t sleep at night, experience sundowners, can get combative and violent, etc.
This is very true. At a point, it becomes way too much for a caregiver to try and handle alone.
What a nightmare! Serious Conversation, this is WAY over your pay grade. You may need to call the state and report a case of elder abuse in order to get your grandmother removed from your grandfather's "care."
This is very true. At a point, it becomes way too much for a caregiver to try and handle alone.
And that can happen even without dementia, if the person becomes so frail that they cannot be left alone safely. What happens when the solo caregiver gets sick? Absent reliable backup, it's an instant crisis.
But dementia puts all the caregiving issues on steroids. Free-R may be in for a big reality check down the road. The truth is that in the days before modern medicine (and especially before the discovery of antibiotics), elderly people were more likely to die from things like urosepsis or pneumonia before their care needs became too extreme. Not so today.
What a nightmare! Serious Conversation, this is WAY over your pay grade. You may need to call the state and report a case of elder abuse in order to get your grandmother removed from your grandfather's "care."
She is now in a "rehab facility." She has twenty days from sometime last week, at which point she will be discharged either home, or to skilled nursing/memory care.
I can't imagine any physician signing off on the competence of either one of them to send her home. She's "interacting" with dead people daily. She'll be fine, then completely break down and sob for thirty minutes, then you can talk her off the ledge, but it's an exhausting process to get her back to semi-reality - an hour or so of coaxing and going along with the BS in her mind.
She looks at grandfather with almost the whale-eye you see in scared dogs. She is absolutely mortified of him. When they were younger, they'd both abuse each other physically. She would get something and beat the daylights out of him while he was asleep or drunk. He'd beat her at other times. He has over a dozen DUIs, and some violent felonies. She's never been a drinker, but has been arrested numerous times too. They're just bad news, but no one deserves this in a demented state.
If she's going home, I will call APS myself at this point. I went over there with my dad, and the towels all have rat waste on them. Dad's sister has set up rat traps - rats are being attracted because trash isn't being taken off regularly. They live in a rural area in coal country where there is no private or public trash pickup, so you have to haul it all yourself to a collection center. Grandpa had been taking it off, but that's no longer happening, and the trash is piling up and attracting the vermin.
Home health aides, at least no agencies I know of, service that far out.
One of his sisters that doesn't work has been supposedly going over there daily, but I can't imagine anyone of sound mind visiting there daily and letting these conditions continue.
The eldest brother is a multimillionaire, is the only who is fully retired, has no debt, and has been overseas in the Philippines for 4/6 months. He's the only one that has the financial means to move the needle. I get this in a text a few minutes ago.
Spoiler
SC:
That attorney you referred mom and dad to seemed inexperienced. Constantly saying “I need to research.” Looks like they’re just going to have take guardianship of her according to VA law and move on.
Uncle
Have you got a better one?
SC:
We need to research the best elder care/gerontology attorneys from Roanoke down. “I need to Google this” repeatedly doesn’t inspire much confidence anything will be done.
Uncle:
Why don’t you and <SC dad> see what you can come up with
SC
That’ll be me
While they are my grandparents by blood and I am trying to do right by them, I don't think they'd have done a damn thing if something happened to me. I grew up around many people around that age who were friend/neighbors/co-churchgoers of my other set of grandparents who were all better people. My barber for years was like the other grandfather I never had. He died at 92 back in 2018.
It's depressing, but like my uncle, I'm about to just wash my hands of this and move on, let the chips fall where they may. I've done what I can, but this is outside my area of expertise for two bad news people that have alienated everyone
And that can happen even without dementia, if the person becomes so frail that they cannot be left alone safely. What happens when the solo caregiver gets sick? Absent reliable backup, it's an instant crisis.
But dementia puts all the caregiving issues on steroids. Free-R may be in for a big reality check down the road. The truth is that in the days before modern medicine (and especially before the discovery of antibiotics), elderly people were more likely to die from things like urosepsis or pneumonia before their care needs became too extreme. Not so today.
She's either 86 or 87. She's looking better at the rehab facility because she's getting proper nutrition, being kept clean, and drinking water. None of that was occurring at home with grandpa. She was messing the bed, messing her pants, etc., and he hid as much as he could.
Her mind will never come back, but she may enjoy some moments of relative lucidity in relative comfort with proper care. That's all you can hope for at this point. You can be talking to her, and she be completely lucid for a short period, then drift off into talking about dead people or "life on the farm."
She loves Bonanza and other TV shows in that era. Remembers all actors, and recites it all impeccably, but she can't tell me that I brought her KFC an hour ago.
The two paternal grandparents both licked COVID in a matter of days, like I did. My mother barely got over it. My mom's mother also shrugged it off easily. My theory is that, once people get to the late 80s, the "weaklings" are already dead, and you're left with the heartiest of old folks. Those people likely still have a good bit in the tank.
My mother probably won't make it to 75. My dad will probably make until at least grandpa's age. I won't be surprised if my mom's mom outlives my own mother. I took my maternal grandmother out to dinner tonight, and she's sharp as a tack. She knew the demented grandmother a bit, and is just shocked at how Rita is now so docile.
That grandfather got his last DUI around 75. He racked up over a dozen DUIs. Numerous assault charges over the years. Numerous brandishing charges as he got older while drunk - threatening to kill himself and everyone else while drunk. He's heavily armed, and completely the wrong type to be armed.
He had a major heart attack in 2010, while in hospital - was withdrawing from years of multiple bottles of bourbon a day. It took about a month over rehab and alcohol detox, but he got back on the saddle with his small business, and didn't look a bit worse for the wear. That episode would have killed most men that age. He relatively shrugged it off. Heroic constitution. My maternal grandfather, a much better man, lifelong straight edge, died at 77 in 2009.
This damn beast born in 1934 is still alive. Cal isn't half the person Bob, or my barber (Ed - my "other grandfather" - born in 1926) was. Grandfather by blood, but my real grandfathers are dead and gone.
Far as I know, he's been sober since that heart attack at 75. Being sober didn't change him much - he's just a bit less of a firecracker without a drink. Maybe.
I had to get between him and my dad earlier today, while they were arguing about her treatment, which Cal doesn't want to spend a dime on, and I told him if he had a bone to pick with dad, pick it with me. He got right up in my face. He wanted to rumble at 88. I finally got him to back off. He'd still fight anyone, anywhere, and has no understanding that I could pound him into the sand if I wanted to.
I told him, if you want to rumble, you will get what you want, and you will not like it. It's pathetic that my own grandfather spits in my face, literally, and wants to rumble, when I could hurt him very easily.
If we weren't at that hospital, he'd have been taught a hard lesson. He can't terrify an old, demented woman, put my dad through hell, then flip me off and tell me to F off with no consequences. He's going to get his due. He's dumb as a box of bricks, give him a "service call" tip, while I go over there and confiscate his guns. He's not competent to be armed. I'm fully convinced he'll murder-suicide and take out innocent people in his fury. He could easily do a nightmare scenario that would make the national news. He's that bad news.
In my grandmother's case, she has no major issues, aside from the dementia. She's relatively free from diseases and cancer. It would not surprise me if she just continues soldiering on with a mindless existence for years.
Grandfather is not demented, per se, but is extremely paranoid about spending any money. He thinks she's "fine" at home, even though she has been soiling the bed, falling, obviously not eating well, etc. Frankly, I'm not sure he even gives a damn about her - they've had a terrible marriage for most of their lives.
There are five siblings. Three are working, one is raising her grandkids, the eldest brother is out of the country. My dad is working part-time at 65. His younger brother is 61, and is working full-time. The sisters are in their early 50s, but one's husband is very unwell himself and needs a lot of help, and the other is raising her grandkids full-time.
Grandfather has been blocking any assistance requests - from home healthcare to (where she is likely going) memory care/skilled nursing. Grandmother was falling repeatedly - finally, one of the sisters called an ambulance, then grandmother was discharged to a rehab facility a few days ago. My guess is she's going to end up in memory care afterward. She's frequently seeing dead people, and is usually more "gone" than lucid.
They live in a very rural area of southwest Virginia where services are hard to come by anyway. I've talked to two agencies that I'm familiar with, and none service that far out. The hospital system I worked for has a home health division, and is having major staffing issues, but that's really system-wide. The agencies service the core cities in the area, but they don't run an hour out into coal country.
Check into Assisted Living that has a Memory Care section for when the dementia worsens.
Once someone has dementia eventually they end up in a nursing home because their needs become too extensive.
Not necessarily a nursing home. Assisted Living places have Memory Care sections. Someone with dementia does not usually need round the clock nursing care unless they also have a collection of severe medical issues. .
She's already been bounced to a "rehab facility." My guess is she'll be bounced to memory care once grandpa is made to shut up.
Have you talked to the person at the rehab facility who sets up the next level of care? You need to inform them that she cannot go home. Tell them about the house and how your grandfather treats her.
Good luck.
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