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I find it hard to believe that people in this stage of their lives haven't gotten these problems worked out by now.
Are you kidding? That stage of life is one of big times for couples to split up (not that the OP is anywhere near that!). They stayed together for the kids and swallowed a lot of their differences for that and now that the kids are gone, they are faced with each other and a realization of the limited time left to them in this world. They may come to the realization that this person is not who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The classic mid-life crisis.
My husband is from the Pacific NW, which is where we now live and where his two sons live; they are in their 30s. I am from South Carolina; my children, parents, and brothers ALL live in the South. My husband's father is 90 and still going strong; he lives in the Pacific NW as well. My parents live in the South.
Anyone who knows Southern women knows they have to live close to their children; my husband and I are having a really difficult time deciding on a place to live. We currently live in in a new (well, when we bought it in 2001) 3-BR, 2-BA home on 4.4 forested acres in a hot area of the Pacific NW; it would not be hard to sell it at all.
It is so expensive to live in the Pacific NW! My husband has a nice retirement check (he's a retired Seattle firefighter), but both of us still have to work just to make ends meet. We make over $6000 a month and can only just survive.
The problem is I hate the rain up here and the cost of living, but my husband hates the South. We could decide to move somewhere in between--say the midwest--but then we would have no family nearby at all. If we lived in the South, my husband could finally retire. I would still have to work but at least I would have family nearby, and husband could fly out to see his family when the spirit moved him. Yet, he won't move.
I love my husband, and he loves me, but this is a problem we just can't figure out an answer to. This is the only bone of contention between us, but it's a big one. Anyone else have any suggestions?
Since his father and his children live there and your family is in SC why don't you offer a compromise. Do any of his family members have enough room in their homes to make an apartment that you can rent at a low amount? Then you could buy a small house in SC that is affordable on his pension, and you would have a place to stay if you want to spend some time near his family. You could go back and forth and spend time during the year with both families. The money from the sale of your house there would probably cover one in SC, the pension would be enough to live on, and your husband wouldn't have to work anymore.
Boy this sounds SO familiar. We have friends in California who are nearing retirement and have the same problems. In once case she wants to stay put and he wants to move to Nashville where their son is lviing. In another case, he wants to move to a golf course community in AZ and she wants to move to Oregon on the beach. Compromise is a tough one. Even after years of marriage and looking forward to "retirement" couples are often surprised that they each want something different and compromise is tough.
There is no easy answers unless you want and can afford two homes and spend time in each place. It doesn't sound like that is an option.
When my husband and I retired, we made a list of what we both wanted in the "perfect place". Everything from taxes to weather from shopping to environmental issues was on the table (we made a list of the top 20 categories for us). We were pleasantly surprised by how many things were common (type of neighborhood, house, medical availability, weather, etc.) but a little surprised by the big differences....he wanted country, I wanted city. He wanted isolation, I wanted a neighborhood. He didn't want snow, I didn't want humidity.
We did end up compromising. Neither of us has exactly what we wanted, but we both have most of what we wanted. We aren't near family...his is on the east coast, mine on the west coast. We visit each coast a month each year. We've found that our family is just as close not living near them and we actually appreciate the distance now.
Just know that your situation isn't uncommong nor easily resolved. Lots of discussion and compromise. And it IS frustrating because your talking about the place where your going to grow really old together. The idea of making the wrong choice is scarey.
My husband is from the Pacific NW, which is where we now live and where his two sons live; they are in their 30s. I am from South Carolina; my children, parents, and brothers ALL live in the South. My husband's father is 90 and still going strong; he lives in the Pacific NW as well. My parents live in the South.
Anyone who knows Southern women knows they have to live close to their children; my husband and I are having a really difficult time deciding on a place to live. We currently live in in a new (well, when we bought it in 2001) 3-BR, 2-BA home on 4.4 forested acres in a hot area of the Pacific NW; it would not be hard to sell it at all.
It is so expensive to live in the Pacific NW! My husband has a nice retirement check (he's a retired Seattle firefighter), but both of us still have to work just to make ends meet. We make over $6000 a month and can only just survive.
The problem is I hate the rain up here and the cost of living, but my husband hates the South. We could decide to move somewhere in between--say the midwest--but then we would have no family nearby at all. If we lived in the South, my husband could finally retire. I would still have to work but at least I would have family nearby, and husband could fly out to see his family when the spirit moved him. Yet, he won't move.
I love my husband, and he loves me, but this is a problem we just can't figure out an answer to. This is the only bone of contention between us, but it's a big one. Anyone else have any suggestions?
If you have lived where your husband wanted to for 10, 20, 30 years. Now
its time to compromise, its your turn to get your 10, 20, 30 years !!!
Isn't that what makes for a good marriage, compromise ??
When my husband and I retired, we made a list of what we both wanted in the "perfect place". Everything from taxes to weather from shopping to environmental issues was on the table (we made a list of the top 20 categories for us). We were pleasantly surprised by how many things were common (type of neighborhood, house, medical availability, weather, etc.) but a little surprised by the big differences....he wanted country, I wanted city. He wanted isolation, I wanted a neighborhood. He didn't want snow, I didn't want humidity.
What a good suggestion. I'm getting the notebook out now and giving it to my husband because when I ask him what he wants he says that he is easy to please so we should look for what ever I want. When we look at what I want it turns out that he isn't quite as easy-going as he thinks he is. I think if everybody has to commit to writing what they want they are more apt to put some serious thought into it.
Well, nothing is solved--yet--however, I think it's getting closer. My daughter, who lives in Charlotte, NC, just got married, and she and her husband are planning to have their first child in about 2 years. I told my husband that as soon as my daughter called me to tell me she was pregnant, our house was going on the market, and I was moving so I could be close to her when the baby comes. I told him I loved him very much and I hope he would choose to come with me but that was it. This last year was a hard one for us, but we have come through it and are closer than ever. I think because financially it will be the best idea for us to move to SC and because he will be able to retire, he will agree. Plus if he retires and the pressures have eased financially for us, he will be able to visit his family much more frequently than I have been able to visit mine. Every year for the past 9 years, our vacation has been set for us: It's the only time I have to see my family, so that's it. We have not even had a honeymoon yet. If he ever wants to have a vacation that is a vacation and not a trip to visit family, the South is where we need to be. Financially, at least for us, it is the best option.
I want to say that I read every comment made in this post; I appreciated everyone taking the time to answer and giving me your insight, whether I agreed with you or not. Thank you to all.
Well, nothing is solved--yet--however, I think it's getting closer. My daughter, who lives in Charlotte, NC, just got married, and she and her husband are planning to have their first child in about 2 years. I told my husband that as soon as my daughter called me to tell me she was pregnant, our house was going on the market, and I was moving so I could be close to her when the baby comes. I want to say that I read every comment made in this post; I appreciated everyone taking the time to answer and giving me your insight, whether I agreed with you or not. Thank you to all.
I just read this whole thread and am so glad you wrote in with an update! He does work in mysterious ways sometimes; I have my own God stories and while I can't see Him there sometimes, I look back and He was right there!
There's nothing like a new life and being with your daughter! A very special time. I hope it works out for you.
Fortunately, my husband and I are from the same part of Florida and we are dealing with elderly parents (my mom is 87; his dad is 85) - and his dad is really going strong! We couldn't find him Easter Sunday - he took a 25 mile bike ride (one way) and was gone the whole day (does not like the telephone!)
What a year! My mother just passed away in June, and I spent a couple of weeks in Charlotte with my daughter after she passed away. It was a rough, rough time (as any of you who has lost a parent knows), but the last day I was there, my daughter and son-in-law told me:
"Mama, you have worried about us (children) for a long time now. We are all grown, but none of us know where we are going to end up living. Both your mother and your husband's mother are gone now. Your father is here (in SC), and your husband's father is there (in WA).
It is way past time for you and your husband to start thinking about each other and about where would be good for you two to live together--the two of you alone--keeping your children out of the equation.
You hate the rain and gray skies in the Pacific NW; your husband hates the heat and humidity of the South. Think about where you can both live that will be affordable and where you don't have to deal with the gray skies, and he doesn't have to deal with the heat and humidity, then MOVE there.
Your children will still call and will still come to see you. It isn't ideal, but it is the only answer that is right for both of you. Each of you promised to love the other for the rest of your lives, which means you both need to consider the other person. One person getting what he/she wants is not the answer because the other person won't have what he/she wants.
Decide together where you can live, then move there ASAP."
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightcopperkettles
What a year! ...
"Mama, you have worried about us (children) for a long time now. We are all grown, but none of us know where we are going to end up living....start thinking about each other and about where would be good for you two to live together--the two of you alone--keeping your children out of the equation.
...
Decide together where you can live, then move there ASAP."
Sounded like good advice to me...
me too!
Sometimes our kids need to slap us up side the head and get us thinking straight. I can hear that same advice coming from mine.
For you situation, I would look to someplace with good accessibility so you can go either direction if needed. within and hour of such places as Denver, Salt Lake City, San Diego... moderate weather and airport hubs, and desirable location for kids to come visit.
I really enjoyed my first half of life in Northern Colorado) Loveland, Estes Park, Ft Collins). You would probably like the people and culture, and your DH would like the activities and proximity to WY.
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Where to retire...
Update...
I can hear that same advice coming from mine.
