Grandchildren vs Retirement (moving, spouse, crying, states)

[Dancingearth]

I grew up in MI & PA and my grandparents lived in ND so I never really knew them. Two weeks every summer we’d drive up there. I have wonderful memories but I was glad my children lived close to my parents and really got to know them.

My kids grew up in PA. When I was getting a divorce, I had a job offer and moved to NM. My kids were 21, 18, 12 at the time. Although they all tried NM, eventually my oldest son ended up back in PA with his wife and two children and my daughter moved to Seattle with her husband. I realized I would not be able to afford to retire in Santa Fe (and didn't find a sense of community there) and after 9/11 I felt what really mattered in life were the people that I loved. After a few years of asking me to move to the PNW, I quit my job, sold my house in three days for more than I asked, and did something I said I’d ‘never” do—moved without a job to the PNW.

I couldn’t find a job in the Bremerton/Seattle area so I ended up following the domestic version of an old dream – AmeriCorps VISTA. After establishing residency I have been going to college full-time an hour away from them. Two and a half years ago I was present at my granddaughter’s home birth; she captured my heart as I watched her miraculous and terrifying entry into this world. It has been a wonderful two years being close enough to be with my granddaughter as she learned to talk. Small delightful things like confusing words -- “you’re welcome” instead of “thank you.” "What do you say?" "You're welcome." That went on for months. Things I don’t know about my grandsons on my twice a year visits to PA.

Unfortunately last August my daughter & family moved to PA. If someone spends all their childhood in the same place, is there a homing device when they have children? Now I am back to struggling with the dilemma of my grandchildren being way over there. My youngest son is still here and I don’t want to leave him without any family until I’m sure he’s settled into college, he finally got tired of labor jobs and is going next fall. I really dislike eastern PA but want to live closer to my grandkids. My parents keep telling me about jobs in Harrisburg. But I like Olympia. As long as I can find a job after I finish college and a place to live that has studio space I would like to live here. Except it is so far from my kids and grandkids and the rest of my family.

[ontheroad]

Dancingearth, thanks for your sharing example. One of the primary reasons it is unlikely I'd move to my daughter's city is that she and her husband often say they are not committed to stay permanently. I sure wouldn't want to be in a city that wasn't my choice if they left and I had decided to relocate.

So the conundrum remains: close to family or living where one has the affordable and chosen comforts of retirement! Not easy choices!

[MsV]

Cattknap, great point to bring up. My husband and I are happily married for 37yrs and we do come first to each other also...but we are looking to have our cake and eat it too. Still wishing we could be closer to the grandkids.

[stormweary]

ontheroad:
the conundrum you mention is exactly what I am facing now. My daughter's fiance's whole family lives in Connecticut. There is that anchor but if the right job came around for her or him somewhere else, I would think it wouldn't hold them there.....
I posted a query in the north vs. south thread to see if anyone has moved from the south to the north because of family and what their experience was/is.

[Dancingearth]

Yes, I was very upset with them since there was no warning and they left a month later. Fortunately, I had created a life for myself in Olympia--couldn't live in Bremerton where they lived--what a depressing town. My son-in-law is a chef. I've heard that explains it. I love him but he can be flightly. He regretted it within a couple months but I see my daughter is happier--she never was able to make close friends in the PNW. In PA she has old friends and a lot of family. When I miss them, I imagine living in the Lehigh Valley again. I know a company that is likely to give me a job in Bethlehem. Shudder. I'm not saying 'never' though

[cassy1]

We live in NC and the kids and grandchildren live in Michigan. It is hard, but I was always the Grandma that worked so my time with them was limited to weekends and holidays. Now I can afford to work for a Temporary Service and take time off to fly home when I get kid and grandchildren sick. This year my middle daughter will give us another grandchild and I will be there for that. You can make it work, if you really want it too. I have a "fly" fund that I build up and I use it. I was with the grandkids at Christmas, and several other times last year. Do what works for you, and what you can live with. Let me ask you this, when these grandchildren get a little older are they going to be seeing you just as much? Kids and grandkids live their own lives and the older they get the less you are involved, live your life to the best.

[yellowsnow]

A subject that is near and dear to my heart. Everyone needs to have their own life, goals, interests, and activities. It's great to love your family and grandchildren but they shouldn't be your whole life. You need a life of your own too. And friends as well.

Step out of your comfort zone, experience new things. There's much more to life than being an unpaid child care provider! Live where you want to live and do what you want to do. Anyone who has already raised a family has given up plenty!

[LML]

Everyone is making some really valid points. These grandchildren are my youngest and the person who said that as they get older they want to spend less time with you is right on the mark. While I know my older grandkids still love grandma, they have their own lives now and I am sort of an afterthought. In a way that is what makes my choice now so hard because I know that the number of years in which I will play a big part in their lives is very limited. And I have basically spent my whole life working and taking care of and loving children when I am not at work. I really, really enjoy the time I spent with my own kids and with my grandkids. It gives me so much happiness. But I am also realizing that they let go even when I can't and maybe it is time to start thinking about what else there is in life. Heaven knows there aren't many years left to do that.

[seeriously]

Live your life. Enjoy your grandkids from afar. What would you do if your grandkids moved away? Would you pick up and follow them? My grandkids are in the Northeast and we are in Florida. We visit as often as we can. My son said to me, "Live where you are happy. Don't give up anything to live by me because who knows... I may move to California and then what would you do?"

[Cattknap]

Verobeach is right - our son and his family moved to Phoenix about 8 years ago....they have 3 small children. In order to be near our son and his family, we had been thinking of retiring to Arizona (a state we aren't too fond of) until our son was offered a job in Utah - he seriously thought of taking the job but ended up decided to stay in Phoenix....that really opened our eyes. We might retire to a state we really don't like in order to be near our son and his family and they could just decide to move some place else...and we would be stuck in a state we don't like or have to sell and move again...no my idea of a peaceful retirement.