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My parents are 70 and 73 and in average health. They currently live in Texas in a big old house with 5 acres to take care of. They have expressed interest several times in moving "somewhere" into "something" smaller so they will have time and money left to enjoy life a little more. All they do now is work on the place just trying to keep everything up and they complain about it all the time. I live in Atlanta and I go down a couple of times a year to overhall flowerbeds etc. but that doesn't help enough. I desperately want them to have a better quality of life and they seem to want that also until it comes down to the nuts and bolts of getting rid of most of their stuff and selling the house. The job just seems so overwhelming to them they eventually just quit talking about it until the exhaustion and frustration builds up and the downsizing idea comes up again. Also, my dad is a "stuff" person and the idea of parting with ANYTHING is very traumatic for him. I have offered to find them a place close to me or anywhere else for that matter and go home for 4 or 5 months to help them get everything ready but they still are overwhelmed and don't know what to do. One day they want to do it and the next they panic and don't want to.
I am afraid of what will happen as they get older and are "forced" to leave. (two foot surgeries and a pacemaker already this year) I just don't know what to do to help and I don't want to see them be miserable for however many years they have left.
Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? Are most people who move and downsize happy with the decision or do they miss "home" and regret it? I certainly don't want to push them into something they don't want but most of the time when we talk about it THEY bring it up. HELP!!
Trying to be a good daughter.....
Last edited by bsnyder98; 06-08-2007 at 04:05 PM..
This is just a thought. I live in a 55+ retirement community in the Phoenix area and probably most of the people who live here are snowbirds and go back and forth between their home states and Phoenix. The climate in this area is great in my opinion and the desert landscaping I find to be very attractive and there's hardly anything to take care of. I would think that if they spent some time in a place like this and realized how nice it was not having to worry about taking care of a large property that they'd convince themselves that this was a better and more comfortable lifestyle and they'd want to sell their larger property. Of course that would mean buying another property and for some people it's too expensive to have a second home but it's an idea you might think about. Good luck.
I know one couple, the parents of a good friend, who recently sold their larger house and downsized. I visited them recently (in Phoenix, AZ) and they seemed really happy, or even perhaps happier. They were still complaining, some, of what they had to get rid of but in the end they have an uncluttered, two bedroom they can both manage.
I believe they were able to sell the larger house for enough money to buy, outright, this smaller (but not small) house.
But I can certainly identify with the "I want my stuff," and "I am hesitant to change my way of life."
It's hard to make changes, but perhaps gentle persuasion will turn it around.
My wife and I went through a very similar thing. We had a large home and cows even but after my knee went we realized we couldn't do it anymore. So at 69 and 70 we decided to "downsize" and move to Florida. (from MO) If my kids had really loved us (three boys one girl) they would have done the estate sale for us. LOL Hopefully you love your parents more (feel the guilt yet?) and if you do ... here is my advice. If you have the time and can afford it find them a new place (all of you together this is the fun part) load everything they want to KEEP into a moving van, drive them to the new house (condo in my case), settle them in, and you and any siblings (?) can handle the estate and home sale.
Let me explain why.... it took us almost a year to thin our "get rid of" belongings enough to even get the house up for sale. My wife (bless her soul) cried over every whatsit, thingamabob, and whoosit from junk we picked up at garage sales to an heirloom piano that had been her grandmothers. (just too big to go but felt okay giving it to a niece who was taking lessons) I must admit even I got angry and teary eyed when strangers pawed through our things and haggled over our "treasures".
However, once we got to our new condo, my wife threw away even more things because apparently our old "junk" as it had become was not nice enough for our new "condo." We laugh all the time about that old place and all its junk being the albatross around our necks that kept us from sailing around the world while we were still young enough to do it. We truly do not regret our decision only the year leading up to it.
As for mistakes... the only one we made was buying instead of renting first. Who knew Florida would be so hot? Now we are in VA and love everything about it. (Glad we got two bedrooms so I can hide when the giggling gaggle comes to play cards)
If your parents will cooperate... shove them into their new life and let them have an easier transition. They don't have enough time left to spend any more looking back. You should cowboy up with your siblings (?) and do the rest!
....If you love them THAT much that is...
Last edited by linders_m; 06-08-2007 at 07:49 PM..
My parents were slaves to their clutter. And most of it was just junk. They saved and kept and kept and saved.....everything. Whenever it was suggested they needed to get rid of all of it, a long lecture ensued all about the depression and never knowing when you were going to need something. Sigh! These frugal people paid for this junk to be hauled all over the country.
Truthfully, I think they were smart to do nothing. They lived as they pleased and I was forced to deal with all of it. But I learned the lesson. If it's not nailed down, I am throwing it away.
Arizona is famous for seniors. Developments 55+ or all age communities are very nice.
They should rent first to get their feet wet.
Florence, AZ is a brand new community, I just moved here from California and love it.
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Very difficult position for some... They seem like candidates for my 'ideal' retirement community.
a 'close-in' farm, with lake, cows, workshop, craft / quilting room, community garden, public cafe, gift shop + aging in place, cottages to full care + out patient physical therapy. I might be my own first customer as long as it will take to build this...
We have helped with the care of elderly and shutting down of farms. It is very exhaustive, and the process leading to the decision is tough. Logistically the cleanup can be tough too. I recommend and auction, followed by a large dumpster container, and contributing to a youth group to come in and clean up the place.
this is pretty good advice, if you have a good 'talking' relationship with them (It will probably take some 'pushing', so, start planting the seed. )
""If your parents will cooperate... shove them into their new life and let them have an easier transition. They don't have enough time left to spend any more looking back. You should cowboy up with your siblings (?) and do the rest!
....If you love them THAT much that is...""
I would listen for their heart to see what they really want. and discern with what they need + identify reality
sometimes it is quite 'freeing' to be rid of the 'ball and chain" of THINGS (now for ME to take that advice )
(BTW, from my experience ... the majority of the 'hobby' farmers like to stay around the farm till their late 70's or early 80's, depending on health. I have a FIL in his early 80's and it is getting to be a stretch, especially with the number of accidents they start having.) Which side of A are you? I have an uncle in Cedartown area, and I'm sure there are other areas that have a small town,ez to get around,and maybe a condo with garden spot and garage
Last edited by StealthRabbit; 07-06-2008 at 04:30 PM..
If you have the time and ability to go there and "take care of getting rid of it all", then talk to them. Tell them you will do it(with siblings if any or avaiable). Set them up in a rental place in an area they express interest in staying. Take what they need, want or can carry. Then have the estate sale. You may have to push a little and be forceful. Once it is over, I think you will see them light up with a new outlook and freedom. Then they will have the ability to look around and see where they want to be, stay in TX or go to Atlanta or maybe just travel.
I did it to my mother who would fret all the time. Forced her into an apartment nearby and had an estate sale and handed her the money. Then she was so happy. She started talking about travel and moving. She went off to Europe for a month and was supposed to be back on a certain date.....no show. I called my sister and she didn't know where she was. We found her when she called from San Francisco (she lived in Philly), telling us she met some nice people and was visiting and we would see her soon.
No more fretting or worrying, just lots of fun for the rest of her life.
That's why I say, force it. It was so hard to do, but I saw how happy my mom was and the freedom it gave her. I really think we had her for more years because of the release of the stress of a big house and "stuff".
If the thought of parting with their "stuff" and their way of life is so traumatic, perhaps another option would be to identify the things that they need the most help with and if economically feasible, find someone in their area to handle those things for them. If they can't afford to do this, perhaps some of the problem things could be gradually eliminated. If it means that they could stay in their own home surrounded by the comfort of their "stuff" they might be amenable to making some changes to help them do that.
If the thought of parting with their "stuff" and their way of life is so traumatic, perhaps another option would be to identify the things that they need the most help with and if economically feasible, find someone in their area to handle those things for them. If they can't afford to do this, perhaps some of the problem things could be gradually eliminated. If it means that they could stay in their own home surrounded by the comfort of their "stuff" they might be amenable to making some changes to help them do that.
Your post has been the absolute most wonderful kindest thoughtful post here! Thinking of the persons feelings. If those of you don't understand what I mean, please forgive me as I feel very strongly about this.
A person no matter what age or how old and weak, has feelings. They have security issues and need to feel comforted by what they feel. You cannot force and be made to do things and made to feel what you want them to. Nor can you take dignity away by making decisions you want for them. Unltinately it is their choice unless they can longer make the decisions or care for themselves.
Saying comments like "force" just angers me to no end!
If you want to help your mother, make plans w/ your mother. Don't decide for her. If she wants to move to AZ. she will, You may suggest but it is up to her where she'd like to retire, what kind of home she'd like and what she'd like to take w/ her.
If you are having trouble w/ this, there are professionals that work w/ the elderly that can help you but please don't force anyone to do anything because no matter how well intentioned, it is how well your mother will take it that matters. Please don't do anything that will be traumatic for her.
I say this passionately and I say this as someone who prepares for what I have to do as I let go of things and move along w/ my own life. I don't like giving up my choices and I like being treated w/ dignity and being able to make decisions that make me happy and I know your mother would appreciate it as well.
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From an old retired guy...
Now we are in VA and love everything about it. (Glad we got two bedrooms so I can hide when the giggling gaggle comes to play cards)
)
