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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary
man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll
inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.
So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets
seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he
was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He
whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T
EVER BE SORRY.'
The
old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything
else.
So,
she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside
her.
As
she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU
WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So!
The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY
the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE
PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY
THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS
WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME
ON GUESS!
ooooooHHHHHH
come on--
Don't
be a Poop!
*
*
*
*
SHE
TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
There was this couple making love on the railroad tracks. The oncoming train was barreling down, blowing its whistle, but the couple proceeded energetically with their chosen activity. The train screeched to a halt inches from them. The wreckage of boxcars and passengers littered the landscape. The conductor looked down at the now spent couple and demanded, "Why the hell didn't you move?" The relaxed man grinned. "You was coming and I was coming, and you were the only one with brakes."
(Have you ever tried to stop someone from having an affair?)
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here
My wonderful girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, so we
decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful
younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight
Miniskirts,
and generally bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and commit my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild
fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
Clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future brother-in-law hugged me and said,
"we
are very happy that you have passed our little test......we couldn't
ask
for a better man for our sister. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny heffer to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that cow Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little twit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
One of the many pressing e-mails in my inbox tonight...
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' .
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfiel d, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over t o the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his
cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, ; "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies,
drank the milk,
**** on the paper,
screwed the other three cats,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
A little girl came running in the house and said, "Mommy,
I met the most wonderful man this morning. It was the
garbage man, and he was carrying a big bag over his head,
and it broke and went all over him. And, you know,
Mommy, he just stood there and talked to his mother,
his son, and God."
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we
noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY
affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling
on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning.
And, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job
six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is
smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while
I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college
he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a senator from New York running for President of the
United States. Act like one.
Signed: Abby
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