Daily Joke Thread (San Antonio, Anton: Mexicans, MBA, bridge)

[RodLu]

I don't think that most, if not all, of the potheads *I* have personally ever empirically-been around in my life would ever even fancy hurdling a turnstile while smoking a joint, heh.....hilariously-ridiculous.....


I can just imagine: "What? You want me to jump over that?! *HA! HA! HA!* YOU'RE CRAZY, MAN!"




{if anything, I could sooner imagine someone who has been DRINKING BOOZEDRUG sooner leaping over one, to be honest}

[mkfarnam]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,
"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says,
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

[RodLu]

[SIZE=4]What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it![/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]

[RodLu]

[GWhopper]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends as it has to me.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot, claiming that the items they wanted are out of stock here. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 13th, three times on Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

[mkfarnam]

What I Want In a Man,--- Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

>What I Want in a Man, ---(age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a man---(age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man,----(age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man,-----(age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man,---- (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[mkfarnam]

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me 'splain this to you!]

[HillCountryHotRodMan]

LOL LOL LOL! No explanation required. Back in a few after I change my pants....

[mkfarnam]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University
has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling,
bouncing up and down,
and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference,
after announcing the invention,
a large group of Texans took Dr. Rickson outside
and kicked the living sh*t out of him.

[RodLu]

Cold Weather? Ah, no wonder it's been getting a little nipply out there, haha.......