Daily Joke Thread (selling, green, period)

[RodLu]

Hahaha.....now why do these witticisms remind me of Leslie Nielsen?








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Funny metaphors used in high school essays





Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.









Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.





2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.





3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.





4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.





5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.





6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.





7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.





8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.





9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.





10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.





11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30






12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.





13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.





14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.





15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.





16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.





17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.





18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.





19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.





20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.





21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.





22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.





23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.





24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.





25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[RodLu]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.


2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.


3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.


4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.


5) You can't trust dogs to guard your food.


6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.


8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


11) "Got Me" is a real person. He is the person you blame when there is bubble gum in your hair.





GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


2) Wrinkles don't hurt......physically.


3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


7) If something is so good that it "sticks to your ribs", it most likely will stick to ceiling too.





GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.


2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.


3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


7 ) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

(I love this one)

8) Doing roots no longer applies to plants.






THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.


2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.


3) You are Santa Claus.


4) You look like Santa Claus.






SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is ... Not piddling in your pants.


At age 12 success is .. Having friends.


At age 17 success is ... Having a drivers license.


At age 35 success is ... Having money.


At age 50 success is . Having money.


At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.


At age 75 success is .. having friends.


At age 80 success is ... not piddling in your pants.




Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. You know...just pass it along anyway. Your not a mind reader but you could possibly change someone's attitude for a few moments in their time of need.

[RodLu]

Ha.....how amusing Carlin could certainly be, no doubt.....but of course: *WHO* 100% agrees with another on everything, I ask?




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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people’s version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' Ooooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[elnina]

RodLu! I like your jokes, but they are sooooooooo.... long...

[RodLu]

Sorry, elnina.......

[elnina]

[xsa210tx]

Originally Posted by rodlu

new rule: The more complicated the starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low, and one nutrasweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a-hole.

Freakin' Hilarious!!!!!

[elnina]

I like this one: New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Yes, Mr. Carlin!! I agree

[RodLu]

Originally Posted by xsa210tx

Freakin' Hilarious!!!!!

I thought so myself, ha.....

Originally Posted by elnina

I like this one: New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Yes, Mr. Carlin!! I agree

Me too, heh.......

[RodLu]

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/4374/failfunnyfailpicssignpl.jpg (broken link)