Daily Joke Thread (2013, horseback, catholic church)

[elnina]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[ChiccaTX]

As we approach the beginning of another month -- I want to thank all of you for your educational Emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom doorwithout using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel roombecause I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspreadbecause I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking handswith someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt tripbecause I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s pursefor fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savingsbecause I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFCbecause their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorantseven though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gaswithout taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrapin the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Pennie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my carbecause buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardeningbecause I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.

[mkfarnam]

This is a true story:

Gun
Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to
Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.


Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East
Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:


"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!

[Dwangle]

These are my jokes:
What do you call "Taking it Easy in Texas" A JOB!
I used to work for this place that would give you a watch if you were there for 30 years..Hell that guy doesn't need a watch..give it to someone who needs one. If you worked for five years without any sick leave they would give you a Jacket..Give the Jacket to the sick guy!!..

[PopsGuysRule]

I'm baaaaackkkkkkk
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[RodLu]

^ Hahaha.....good one!

[RodLu]

[LVKim8]

A couple is arguing and are giving each other the Silent Treatment. But the husband remembers he has to get up early to catch a flight for an important business trip. Sticking to the silent treatment he leaves his wife a note, "Wake me up at 5 am, so I don't miss my flight".

Next morning, he wakes up, it's 9 am and he's missed his plane. On the nightstand is a note, "Get up, it's 5 am!"

[elnina]

An old nun
who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch;
sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch.

[RodLu]