Daily Joke Thread (Lubbock, Winnie: primary school, installing, golfing)

[Cerberus01]

Subject: Why Men Favor Handguns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun as a back up.
#6 -Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

[elnina]

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers -- simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life -- wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[RodLu]

"Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you watch one fall down the stairs."

[Cerberus01]

Subject: IRS

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[Mom2Feebs]

Great one for you Longhorns fans out there:

Why is it so difficult to solve murders in Norman, OK?

1) because the DNA is all the same, and

2) because there are no dental records.

[RodLu]

Sump'n I found elsewhere:"




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Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"


Priest: "No, not if you did not know."


Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

[elnina]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter Oh my gosh!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[elnina]

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did
not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with
a woman from New Orleans .

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the her how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied,
' I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's'.

[mkfarnam]

An Atheist was walking along the river, he heard something in the woods. When he looked He saw a huge grizzly charging at him. He ran , but when he looked over his shoulder he saw the bear was closing in on him.He looked again, & the bear was even closer.He was running so fast tripped & fell. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him. . At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Suddenly a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.” “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?

The atheist said “It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian”?

“Very Well,” said the Voice.The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive, Amen.”

[lonestar2007]

If you buy stuff on line check out the seller carefully.


Be careful what you purchase on eBay. I Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass. Instructions said "Do not use in the sunlight".