Daily Joke Thread (Roma, Howe, Franklin: floors, shopper, approval)

[SanAntoQT]

Be on the alert, this is a real threat. I, myself, have experienced this terrible theft.

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kkidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

* THIS IS NOT A HOAX!!! This is happening to women everywhere
every night.

* WARN YOUR FRIENDS!*

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[Paka]

LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Grandpa and Grandma were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?” Grandpa said, “No. Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?”

[whitechocolate86]

Originally Posted by Deep Forest

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.

2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents;
siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

...LOL...

[Deep Forest]

El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, are camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both are soon asleep.
Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend.

"Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, senor."

" What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, senor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says,

"Chilito, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Paka]

An old Italian Mafia Don was dying, and he called his grandson to his bedside.
”Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
”But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about leaving me your Rolex watch instead?”
”You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say TIMES UP?”

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by Paka

An old Italian Mafia Don was dying, and he called his grandson to his bedside.
”Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
”But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about leaving me your Rolex watch instead?”
”You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say TIMES UP?”

LOLOL, paka.... very good....

[Deep Forest]

ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building his house and laying supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to pictures of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house, where the news stations film the group saying, “We shall overcome.”
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off of the grasshopper, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.”

Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs, and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill had
appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be
the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by
a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

[gwrober]

The Three Most Important Words

At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.

The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"

The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.

He said, "Yeah. She's probably right!"

[rd2007]

Very funny stuff with the music playing

LiveScience.com : The Bear Rub (http://www.livescience.com/php/video/player.php?video_id=080402-bear-rub - broken link)

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by rd2007

Very funny stuff with the music playing

LiveScience.com : The Bear Rub (http://www.livescience.com/php/video/player.php?video_id=080402-bear-rub - broken link)

funny, I saw this just last night, but it was via a different source....
my aged-to-perfection brain cannot recall where, however.....

'twas fun, though, esp the 'dancer'.... gittn dayoun....