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Old 04-19-2010, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Wherever I want to be... ;)
2,536 posts, read 9,929,427 times
Reputation: 1995

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Let me try to explain the best I can my thoughts...

I can completely understand hating a city that you live in. I lived in Orlando for 4 years and pretty much found it to be hell on earth. A big reason I moved to San Diego was because I actually liked San Diego and I can honestly say after living here one year I absolutely love the city.

BUT...and it's a very big but at that... I don't have kids, nor did I have anything tying me to Florida. If I did, I would have put the desire to be close to them above a dislike I had for a city. If you purely moved out to San Diego because you hate Cleveland, that might be irk-some to your ex. He may see what you've done as selfish and not really want to change his life to better convenience yours.

I'm not trying to attack your decision; I'm just hoping that maybe you can better understand his angle a bit.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:53 PM
 
604 posts, read 750,619 times
Reputation: 274
Quote:
Originally Posted by glittergirl816 View Post
Okay, this is a bit of a long story, but I will give an abridged version. I got divorced in December, basically because I realized that I am gay. We have two children and in the divorce I let him be deemed residential parent. I moved out to California in mid-November and I have been traveling back and forth from SD to Cleveland to see my children every month. This is extremely stressful and hard on the kids and I. I am living with my girlfriend right now and I would love it if my ex would move out to SD with the kids so we can all be together. I love my children, but I loathe Cleveland. My girlfriend is from there too and absolutely does not want to live their either. But, I need to be a mother to my kids. I'm trying to think of any way I could convince him to move to SD. He would love it there. He's a surfer type, avid hiker/nature lover. Can anyone think of an angle to approach him with that may persuade him to at least entertain the idea? Anytime I mention it, he shoots it down immediately. He is still really angry over the divorce.

Thanks in advance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowlife View Post
You got divorced because you "realized {you} were gay"?! I gotta imagine your husband didn't take that well; no offense, but if I was in his position I'd probably want space from you...

Why don't you try just dropping hints about how great it is in SD, without actually saying "Hey so...I hate Cleveland, can you move yourself and our kids to the city I live in now with the woman I left you for, because it would be much more convenient"

Either way, if he has the to move, he should. San Diego is just a better place than Cleveland, its not even a debate. If hes the "surfer type" like you say, I can't imagine hes getting great surf where he is, so try mentioning how great some of the surf spots are, and how amazing the beaches are. Good luck

I'm thinking the fact that you and your partner live there, in the biggest pro-gay state in the USA.... and you just got a divorce.... 2+2 = he wont want to move
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Old 04-20-2010, 12:40 AM
 
Location: Grand Rapids
284 posts, read 1,016,606 times
Reputation: 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by glittergirl816 View Post
Hanna_house~ How would you feel if you told your parents at 15 that you were gay, only to be met with "you will not be gay, or you will never be a part of this family again." ?They were actually going to send me away and completely disown me. It was an ultimatum for them, either I married a man and had kids, like everyone else, or I was no longer their child. What if you did that and realized that you couldn't live that way no matter what? What if you dreaded sleeping in bed with your husband because you knew sex would be involved and you didn't enjoy it or want any part of it, but had to oblige?
I'm sorry but all that means to me is that your husband and children are a victim to your experiment to fit in. You may have had issues when you were younger, but no one is forced to get married and have kids. Plenty of straight people stay single too. I only say this because you seem to have a lot of excuses for your choices and seem very consumed with your own happiness. Imagine the issues your children will have to cope with if they don't have a mother around. I give you credit for wanting to be with your children, but it seems you want your jilted husband to do all the work. It seems unfair to ask him to leave his home, and possibly the support of friends and family, so you can sleep better at night.

By the way, if this seems harsh I felt the exact same way about a family member who left her child behind and moved across country for some man. I thought it was absolutely heart breaking that she put her child in 2nd place to a relationship that ended badly anyway. Taking care of kids is not forever...people should do the responsible thing and then you can go and do whatever you want when they turn 18. I truly hope you are able to figure out what's best for all involved.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:58 AM
 
20 posts, read 60,825 times
Reputation: 19
The funny thing is she's serious.

I mean seriously, do you honestly think he'd want to move closer to, or convenience you in an way? You just broke up with him and left him for a women, and then relocated to SD, leaving him to parent the children by his lonesome. Seems like you have your work cut out for you.

Btw, he can't be that bad considering how he's persevered through the situation. The fact that he even communicates with you outside of parenting is amazing.
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:01 AM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,391 posts, read 30,926,132 times
Reputation: 16643
It is rather selfish of you to even ask a question like that! Move to Cleveland or leave him alone, you are the one who left him now stop thinking about only yourself. It is quite pathetic. If you knew you were gay and still married, it is completely selfish you would lie to him and put him through that. I wouldn't want you anywhere near my kids.
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:48 AM
 
604 posts, read 750,619 times
Reputation: 274
My parents got divorced and going back and forth really sucks, thank god my dad moved to the same town (AFB in town...) otherwise I'd honestly probably have to move in with him or kill myself...

Too much time with my mom drives me insane...
(SWEEET it says I'm a senior member)
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:43 PM
 
4 posts, read 6,355 times
Reputation: 10
Default Re:

OP, you say there is a lot of anger between you and your ex. It seems nothing you could say about SD would make him get over the central issue that he doesn't trust you right now. Appeal to his sense of fatherhood, he sounds like a good guy. You might just be upfront and admit that it would be more convenient for you, but that is not the main reason you want him to bring the family there. And be sure that is the truth, way deep down .

On another note, there are have been a lot of heterocentric thoughts voiced on this thread as well as a lot of horrible assumptions made about this woman's intentions. Whether you are straight, gay, homophobic or not, resist passing judgement.

It's my personal belief that parents should set an example for your kids, which includes being honest and brave enough to leave personally toxic situations. Anyone who is lucky enough to have never faced such a personal crisis might be a bit kinder to those in more difficult situations.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:26 PM
 
Location: Orange, CA
52 posts, read 108,924 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by glittergirl816 View Post
KarBear06- I think that's what I'm going to try. If he comes out there and still isn't sold, I will be headed back to Cleveland to be with my kids.
Awesome, glittergirl, once you and your ex have made your SD plans and they have been here, post back and let us know what he and the kiddos thoughts were about their trip. I would definitely try and get a Disneyland visit in while they are all here ... that is one magical place!
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:41 PM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
4,897 posts, read 8,317,131 times
Reputation: 1911
I agree, in theory, that he should meet a new girl and get on with his life but I do object to Cleveland, the mistake on the lake, being called beautiful. Let's face reality and admit Cleveland is an international joke. It's one of those places the world is better off without. I dare say no one grows up wishing to visit Cleveland.
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:11 AM
 
Location: Grand Rapids
284 posts, read 1,016,606 times
Reputation: 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oerdin View Post
I agree, in theory, that he should meet a new girl and get on with his life but I do object to Cleveland, the mistake on the lake, being called beautiful. Let's face reality and admit Cleveland is an international joke. It's one of those places the world is better off without. I dare say no one grows up wishing to visit Cleveland.
Being originally from Michigan, I have visited Cleveland several times and must say that over the years they've done a lot of work to improve it. The city itself is much cleaner and they've renovated some water front areas into hip little night life spots. Of course not nearly as nice as San Diego, but it's not nearly as bad as it once was.
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