Dating in SF (San Diego, San Francisco, Oakland: school, university, living in)

[clairea86]

Hi everyone,

Hope you can give me some advice. I'm 26, have been living in NYC, did grad school and then stayed to work. I've gotten to the point in my career where I can work remotely and feel as though I need a change. The city is exhausting and I'm burned out from this lifestyle. The only other place I'd consider moving at this point is SF-I'm from San Diego so it's close to my family and I have some friends up there, it still has the city feel but with a slower pace of life and easier access to nature, but I'm unsure about the dating.

A big issue with NY is obviously how difficult it is to find anything serious. There's always another person around the corner, so guys generally don't want to commit and I am at the stage in my life where I'd like something more long-term. I've read the threads and heard rumors about SF being similar, but have also seen the articles saying it's the best place for dating, so not totally sure what the deal is. I definitely don't want to trade one set of problems for another, so just looking for some first-hand insight! Thanks

[Chuck5000]

I was dating in SF until 2011. I think it has much in common with NY, LA, DC, and other major cities that draw professional migrants. Of course there are always differences, and they're gonna vary with individual experience, so this is a difficult conversation to have here.

I think probably the biggest factor, always, is one's own social networks and friends. Having that creates many more options and helps.

Being 26, you will find a lot of people with your demographics (probably) and your age in SF - but I think the "candy store" non-commitment-ism will be present for that reason. Note that many women say that the excessive number of geeky male engineers and gay men makes dating in the Bay Area hard. In this way, it's different from NY in a big way -geeks are a much smaller percentage of the population in NYC.

BTW, you should know that SF has become much more of a fast-paced, materialistic grind and New York-like in the last 5 years or so, much to my dismay. I moved out of the city in 2012 to the burbs.

[bmw335xi]

I never had problems dating in San Francisco, just get on OKCUPID and you'll find someone worth dating relatively soon. Although, I'd say it's much easier for men than women in San Francisco when it comes to dating.

[Ruth4Truth]

Have you considered living in the East Bay, where rents are cheaper, and commuting to SF? Do you even know, at this stage, where your job would be located? Or are you using the term "SF" in a broader meaning, covering the entire Bay Area?

As with dating anywhere, a lot of it is the luck of the draw. I have nephews who were very marriage-minded in their mid-20's, found women similarly-minded at that age, and are doing the happily-ever-after thing. I have a niece in that age range working for a tech company who can't get a date. So YMMV. I don't believe in generalizations. It's all in what you make of it. Parts of the East Bay are more laid back and conducive to meeting people, IMO; I wouldn't call it a " materialistic grind". There are all kinds of people with all kinds of values. Academia is big around the Bay, and people studying or working in that environment are not the same as in the tech world, for example. Though I wouldn't even generalize that much about techies; there's more variation in that sphere than people think.

The one note of caution I'd offer is: traffic. Is routinely nightmarish for hours each morning and afternoon/early evening, except weekends. End even on weekends in some areas, it can be weirdly congested.

You have been warned.

[04kL4nD]

To be honest, I wouldn't expect the dating scene to be drastically different than NY. People here are friendly enough, but always looking for someone better too. As a woman, the odds are more in your favor, but I still think SF is a tough town to find serious significant other prospects. I had to import my partner from another city haha.

[Bert_from_back_East]

One thing you'll observe in SF is that people are less attractive and well-dressed overall than people in New York, LA, DC, Dallas and even Seattle.

For a city that's often mentioned in the same breath as London, Paris and New York, I was quite shocked at how comparatively unkempt and poorly dressed the locals appeared.

You can tell that's there less emphasis on appearances in SF, and that probably has something to do with the weather, drug culture and the fact that most people probably work in casual work environments (in tech, that's big).

[Mordin]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

The one note of caution I'd offer is: traffic. Is routinely nightmarish for hours each morning and afternoon/early evening, except weekends. End even on weekends in some areas, it can be weirdly congested.

I've noticed that traffic is getting worse; it nearly seems like there are only a couple of non-congested hours every day, and that does include the weekends as well.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Bert_from_back_East

One thing you'll observe in SF is that people are less attractive and well-dressed overall than people in New York, LA, DC, Dallas and even Seattle.

For a city that's often mentioned in the same breath as London, Paris and New York, I was quite shocked at how comparatively unkempt and poorly dressed the locals appeared.

You can tell that's there less emphasis on appearances in SF, and that probably has something to do with the weather, drug culture and the fact that most people probably work in casual work environments (in tech, that's big).

I respectfully disagree. Seattle invented the grunge look, after all. Some parts of SF proper, and the Bay, are ultra-casual: Berkeley, because of the university and the counter-culture/radical history of the town, and parts of SF. Other areas are better-dressed; the Russians in the Richmond dress well, for example. And there's Walnut Creek, Lafayette, Orinda. The Berkeley and Oakland hills. SF isn't so tech-dominant; financial services play a significant role in the city, and people dress in more formal office wear for that.

So it's a mixed bag. But compared to the East Coast, the West Coast has always had a more casual culture.

[Chuck5000]

We're talking about *style* here - if you think the Russians in the Richmond are stylish, if you think Lamorinda types are stylish (beyond nice mall-store and catalog clothing) then there's not any agreement at all here.

Spend time in NY, European cities, or even West LA and other US major cities, and the difference is gigantic from SF in terms of what people wear - which is driven by what they wear to work, and what they wear out at night. In SF, it's hoodies for work, hoodies for the evening.

Of course this is not the most important stuff in the world. Just costumes.

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

I respectfully disagree. Seattle invented the grunge look, after all. Some parts of SF proper, and the Bay, are ultra-casual: Berkeley, because of the university and the counter-culture/radical history of the town, and parts of SF. Other areas are better-dressed; the Russians in the Richmond dress well, for example. And there's Walnut Creek, Lafayette, Orinda. The Berkeley and Oakland hills. SF isn't so tech-dominant; financial services play a significant role in the city, and people dress in more formal office wear for that.

So it's a mixed bag. But compared to the East Coast, the West Coast has always had a more casual culture.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Chuck5000

We're talking about *style* here - if you think the Russians in the Richmond are stylish, if you think Lamorinda types are stylish (beyond nice mall-store and catalog clothing) then there's not any agreement at all here.

Spend time in NY, European cities, or even West LA and other US major cities, and the difference is gigantic from SF in terms of what people wear - which is driven by what they wear to work, and what they wear out at night. In SF, it's hoodies for work, hoodies for the evening.

Of course this is not the most important stuff in the world. Just costumes.

I guess it depends on where you go in the evening. And where in SF you work.
And "stylish" is a whole other conversation!