Black woman in San Francisco dating hell (2013, lawyers)

[walker1962]

Originally Posted by berrypie9876

I posted on here before so some people may remember. I am from CA

I tried to move to the East Coast but in a strange turn of events I will find myself in CA (the Bay Area) again which I am already really upset and pre-maturely traumatized by

Hated the Bay Area because it sucked to work so hard, and then go out and basically be found as completely undesirable just because I am a black woman. I am not that pretty but I am prettier than most of the white/Asian girls in San Francisco in tech. I know there is the 49er joke. That was even true for my tech office on the East Coast. However, it doesn't matter, white and Asian women can have attitudes, cheat on men and treat them like trash and still have many options (I know because men in the Bay complained of this and I witnessed it)

I am not getting any younger and will eventually enter my 30s. I would like to be in a relationship and I cannot remain single forever.

Basically I am freaking out and don't know what to do. And before someone says Oakland. I am not going to commute 2 hours to work. And from my perspective the white hipsters have taken over Oakland area.

Should I just opt out of tech? I am not really sure what I should do.
I have the same list of accolades and pedigree as everyone else in the Bay Area but I am not sure it's worth my misery and unhappiness.



(me, I don't know how to use face filters or anything so this is it)

https://imgur.com/a/LB3cnAr

https://imgur.com/a/wTfqRXS

https://imgur.com/a/l0RJZPm

Why do you think Tech only lives on the west coast? Texas and to a lesser extent Atlanta and Raleigh NC have a fair number of tech jobs. Texas is home to
ATT,
Apple's second biggest workforce.
Oracle's second biggest campus
Amazon's second biggest workforce between Dallas/Fort Worth and Austin (Whole Foods)
Facebook's second biggest city,
Google Hub in Austin,
VMware and Dell are based in Austin.
Houston's energy sector and the world's largest Medical Complex - The Texas Medical Center. They hire TECH people.

[walker1962]

Originally Posted by apple92680

I was trying, very much -- mind you -- to understand the OP, until she wrote this:




Are you looking for an Alpha Male with a certain physique or something?

I'm in my 50s now, but I've got younger male family members in their 20s who also talk about the difficulties of modern dating. These are good looking younger men who once had a lot of confidence before they began dating, but have since seen it fall by the wayside.

A lot of young women want the Alpha Male -- the physically chiseled, witty, virile, decision maker who oozes masculinity. Yet, a lot of these same women also want to control all aspects of the relationship. It doesn't work. Worst of all, it's sending a confusing message to a lot of young men out there.

When women put the ideal Alpha Male on a pedastal, and then chide men for tapping into their inner-Alphas, you're going to cause a lot of anger and apprehension in young men. At some point, the young men are throwing their hands up and saying "why bother???"

One of my nephews saw what he thought was an attractive young woman at a coffee house in Alameda where he lives. He approached her (thinking she would be receptive to his forwardness) and told her that he thought she was beautiful. She very loudly accused him of sexually harassing her and asked the staff to escort him out of the coffee house. They didn't, but they did ask him not to "stalk or harass" any of the other patrons. This left my nephew confused, hurt and somewhat angry. He hasn't been back to the coffee house in over a year now. His confidence is shattered and he is no longer sure how safe it is to try to date anymore.

When he told me all of this, I felt as if I were in over my head. I don't even know where to begin?

I do not envy those who try to date these days.

f you get a chance, check of former NBA player, Stephen Jackson's instagram on his wedding disaster due to a conniving fiance'. Maybe the same woman your poor nephew met. Smdh

[berrypie9876]

Originally Posted by walker1962

f you get a chance, check of former NBA player, Stephen Jackson's instagram on his wedding disaster due to a conniving fiance. Maybe the same woman your poor nephew met. Smdh

I don't know how we got to this from this topic. I am not a gold digger. I mean most gold diggers are terrible because they are not offering anything to a relationship. They are jobless. Being a good mother and homemaker is a job.

[berrypie9876]

Originally Posted by carnivalday

I have a good friend, who is not as pretty as you are (yes, she's black), but she never lacks for male attention. She is very approachable, very sweet, very kind, and very un-judgmental. She doesnt describe people as black or white or Asian. She wasnt looking for a mate, but one found her, and I think it was because of her personality and character. I may be wrong, but those pictures make you look rather unapproachable. Smiling goes a long way.

I am not unapproachable. Maybe.... I don't know Also what's wrong with describing people by what they are? When I am smiley men are creepy and assume am stupid or a bimbo because of how I look and mostly because I have extremely noticeable breasts (I have thought about getting them reduced) Could have a thread on comments overheard about me from men when they assumed I was drunk......

I don't see what's wrong with being passionate, intelligent and being a critical thinker. I mean I am an engineer. lol.

[tikkasf]

Originally Posted by berrypie9876

I am not unapproachable. Maybe.... I don't know Also what's wrong with describing people by what they are? When I am smiley men are creepy and assume am stupid or a bimbo because of how I look and mostly because I have extremely noticeable breasts (I have thought about getting them reduced) Could have a thread on comments overheard about me from men when they assumed I was drunk......

I don't see what's wrong with being passionate, intelligent and being a critical thinker. I mean I am an engineer. lol.

I would suggest not doing something like getting a breast reduction on the hunch that your size might be a hindrance in attracting the type of gentleman you are hoping to develop a long term relationship with.
I think you need to find away expand visibility to possible suitors beyond those in your work type environment. Also, if the opportunity presents itself and the situation is conducive to it, I suggest you be the one to make the first move.....the first move can just be something casual like you might do with a friend and hence does feel like a date.....I am not being specific......because, that is not needed for someone intelligent

[carnivalday]

Originally Posted by berrypie9876

I am not unapproachable. Maybe.... I don't know Also what's wrong with describing people by what they are? When I am smiley men are creepy and assume am stupid or a bimbo because of how I look and mostly because I have extremely noticeable breasts (I have thought about getting them reduced) Could have a thread on comments overheard about me from men when they assumed I was drunk......

I don't see what's wrong with being passionate, intelligent and being a critical thinker. I mean I am an engineer. lol.

Im not saying theres anything wrong by describing people by their race; I was just saying thats never how my friend described her dates. They are funny, goofy, quiet, sullen, sweet, obnoxious.....Ive never heard her once say they are black, or white, or Asian. She never dated by race, only by the person. I found it rather refreshing.

Being passionate, intelligent, and a critical thinker is great!

[berrypie9876]

Originally Posted by carnivalday

Im not saying theres anything wrong by describing people by their race; I was just saying thats never how my friend described her dates. They are funny, goofy, quiet, sullen, sweet, obnoxious.....Ive never heard her once say they are black, or white, or Asian. She never dated by race, only by the person. I found it rather refreshing.

Being passionate, intelligent, and a critical thinker is great!

Well if men aren't approaching me I wouldn't know all of those characteristics about them. So I state what I have to go on. If I know someone... am not going to refer to them by their race.

[berrypie9876]

Originally Posted by tikkasf

I would suggest not doing something like getting a breast reduction on the hunch that your size might be a hindrance in attracting the type of gentleman you are hoping to develop a long term relationship with.
I think you need to find away expand visibility to possible suitors beyond those in your work type environment. Also, if the opportunity presents itself and the situation is conducive to it, I suggest you be the one to make the first move.....the first move can just be something casual like you might do with a friend and hence does feel like a date.....I am not being specific......because, that is not needed for someone intelligent

I think when most men see me they make assumptions based on how I look. I might pretty and have huge breasts but am very nerdy and that's just who I am. I myself don't really think I am pretty, people just tell me I am all the time so this is said from a pseudo-objective POV. People think I am a mean girl prom queen type because I don't smile all the time but really I just act like the average nerd and can be awkward but straight forward. People are looking at the shell and can't actually accept who I am. I like video games, comic books et. al. Also you are making assumptions I haven't approached men. It's not really true, not getting into private and personal details but men seem afraid of me even after I approach and they like me as a person. It's fine, I am fine being a recluse.

[cachibatches]

Have you ever tried the simple solution of a dating site? I know people who have used them, and they work. You can find a man of any race who loves the black ladies.

In any event, you seem like a nice person. Sorry you are having this trouble, but you'll find the guy.

[likealady]

Originally Posted by berrypie9876

I don't use dating apps. I don't think they work well. When I have tried dating apps, 98% of the men (of all races) are very physically unattractive. That could be location more than a reflection of me...I don't really know. I don't really leave my apartment anymore (even pre-COVID). I am merely saying men just don't approach me period. White, black, Asian, Hispanic, etc. It's not like I am looking for a particular type of guy and then upset he is not making a move. None of them make a move. It's been like this my whole life. And when guys do approach they are over eager and not normal.

Yeah. Many of my friends (and I too, technically) found our partners through dating apps or online, and from experience, the right guys come along when you stop trying so hard. I also rarely had men approach me, and the ones who did were weird. My partner and I met while on 2 different coasts. My thought process was: why make the dating pool smaller than it needed to be? I gauged men's seriousness after a couple weeks of chatting with the ones who were worthy. My now husband is the only guy who had the balls to fly to meet me. At that point we knew our values were compatible so it was mostly about physical spark.

Also, pictures can be deceiving sometimes. So don't judge right away. The East Bay is much better for interracial relationships outside of the AFWM coupling imho. I see a lot more diversity than I did in SF.