Warning to stay at home moms moving from out of state (San Jose: townhouse, to buy)

[nagleepark]

I live in San Jose. I'm a husband and father. I'm fascinated by people who move to CA or leave CA or want to return to CA. I've talked to a lot of people who have come, gone or returned and asked them lots of questions. Over the years (a little less than 20), I've seen what happens to people.

My wife is a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) who married me years ago and then moved from outside the state to the Silicon Valley. She's had her struggles and, through her, I've seen other people's struggles.

My wife has a friend who was married and lived for a while in TX. Her husband had a good job there. They had a big house. They had friends. They had good schools. Her husband got a job offer from a Silicon Valley company at a higher salary and they decided to move.

When they got here, they had to decide between a townhouse close in the Silicon Valley or a big house out in the East Bay. They decided on the townhouse which they got used to. They had some kids.

Her husband spent more time at work than in TX. Lots of his co-workers worked longer hours. Even if he worked the same hours, there was rush hour and traffic jams. In TX, he could work 9 AM - 5 PM but, in CA, the commute was less if he worked 11 AM - 8 PM. He was also being promoted at the company, making more money and wanting to buy a better house in a good school district. He wanted to work longer hours. Sometimes, he had to travel for the company; the company needed him to travel a few times a year. That's what it took to get the bigger salary.

His wife was unhappy. She complained. He didn't like to hear the complaining and the kids were a hassle and the townhouse was crowded so he worked longer hours. He was getting promotions and lots more money (more than doubled his salary). He was on a roll.

Back in TX, the wife had friends but only a few in CA. In CA, more women worked so they had no time for friends. For women who didn't work, they were lonely when they arrived so they made themselves busy with chores, appointments and activities. They didn't have much time for friends, either. There were lots of foreigners, too; many who stuck to their own ethnic circle, didn't speak much English and already had their own friends.

Everybody was busy. At stores, the clerks rush you through because there are so many people. Nobody cares about you. Even in the nicer stores, you are treated nicely but impersonally. At the kids' school, people are busy with their own lives. Some are into social climbing, cliques and showing off money with cars, vacations and houses.

The husband hired a two nannies to help at home. They moved to a great home in Los Altos. Their kids went to a "good" public school. They had a ton of money. From the outside, they had the perfect life.

The husband had an affair; he wanted a divorce. He worked hard, he made a big salary; why should he have to put up with complaints and unhappiness at home? Why should he put up with a leech? Lots of educated women wanted a guy with an important job, a big salary and a nice house; why should he settle for her? Why should he settle for second best?

In TX, you just put up with some things; life is not perfect. But, in CA, they were rich; they deserved perfection. They earned it. They deserved the best. I'm not saying that this is how it plays out for everybody, though.

But, for stay-at-home-moms who live in a different state, consider more than the finances. Even if you somehow manage to get the same newly built 4-bedroom house with good schools in CA that you have now, you can't form an out-of-state bubble around your CA life. It won't be the same as staying put.

[mysticaltyger]

I think your post is pretty accurate. This type of post comes up in from time to time in the SJ forum.

[Billy Millennium]

Shouldn't be any surprise as people in Texas are generally more friendly. More social and welcoming to new people; probably easier to make friends. A lot of the country isn't like that. I wouldn't consider San Jose "unfriendly" as people are generally polite and pleasant enough but it's not a social place. Much of that is due to the tech profession; more introverted on average as well as the long hours people needs to work to make ends meet.

[nagleepark]

From what I've heard, people in other places, such as TX, UT and ID, don't see as many newcomers so they notice them more and make a genuine effort to involve them in the community. It also is probably a good way to recruit new patrons for the local church.

In CA, we don't seem to notice new people; people always seem to be coming and going. A lot of people also seem to think that CA is too crowded so they see no reason to welcome newcomers. That isn't to say that nobody in CA welcomes or is friendly to newcomers but maybe we have more trouble figuring out who they are and making time to do it.

[mstnghu2]

Originally Posted by nagleepark

From what I've heard, people in other places, such as TX, UT and ID, don't see as many newcomers so they notice them more and make a genuine effort to involve them in the community. It also is probably a good way to recruit new patrons for the local church.

In CA, we don't seem to notice new people; people always seem to be coming and going. A lot of people also seem to think that CA is too crowded so they see no reason to welcome newcomers. That isn't to say that nobody in CA welcomes or is friendly to newcomers but maybe we have more trouble figuring out who they are and making time to do it.

This is a good point. I think Californians, especially those who've lived here our entire lives tend to feel crowded out and priced out of many things because of many of the newcomers. Lifelong residents like myself have just become sort of complacent to outsiders and tend to not be very outgoing or accommodating toward them. I'd say that in smaller more intimate social situations most people in San Jose and CA general are friendly and welcoming. We just tend to come across as a little bit aloof until we get to know people on a personal level.

[StandingRoomOnly]

I agree with the "aloof"...I know for myself, I generally keep most people at acquaintance level unless I feel we are really compatible as friends--that is, a lot in common and being friends with the person and getting to know them is relatively carefree and easy (i.e. we just "click" naturally). Even with kids as an icebreaker for meeting other moms, SAHM's do not have it easy making really close friends. --Having lots of people you occasionally talk to and see through your kids play dates and events, you will meet LOTS, but close friends, much much harder to come by.

[gone down south]

Being a stay at home mom is a luxury these days, kwitcherbitching and either accept the necessary sacrifices or start working yourself.

[bobby_guz_man]

Originally Posted by gone down south

Being a stay at home mom is a luxury these days, kwitcherbitching and either accept the necessary sacrifices or start working yourself.

Repped!

[NinaN]

I moved here from Texas when my son was 3 so I stayed at home a couple more years until he started school. None of the OPs comments apply here. Yes, it took a while to make good friends, but that's no different from Texas. I found it easy to find other moms for playdates and socializing. It became much easier when my son started school. I have no regrets moving here, and we're still happily married.

I know a lot of people that are quite unhappy moving anywhere and will simply make themselves miserable being homesick. I don't think CA is the problem.

[momwithadot]

Originally Posted by NinaN

I moved here from Texas when my son was 3 so I stayed at home a couple more years until he started school. None of the OPs comments apply here. Yes, it took a while to make good friends, but that's no different from Texas. I found it easy to find other moms for playdates and socializing. It became much easier when my son started school. I have no regrets moving here, and we're still happily married.

I know a lot of people that are quite unhappy moving anywhere and will simply make themselves miserable being homesick. I don't think CA is the problem.

That's good to know! I'm a SAHM living in Texas now and am hoping to move to the Bay Area. This post me got me thinking, but knowing your experience wasn't too bad is encouraging. Thank you