Is there less "shame" in having roommates as an adult in SJ? (San Jose: apartment, rental)

[greenbook]

In the next few years I am considering moving to the San Jose area as a federal government worker. I am 45, single male with zero kids. I know right there now there is no way I can afford to rent a single bedroom apartment or buy a house in SJ. I am going to have to share a house. I know this sounds like a strange question, but because of the cost of living in the SJ area, the amount of hours that many people work, etc., is there less "shame" in sharing, say, a decent house with 2 or 3 other roommates than, say, other areas of the country for guy at my age? I live and work in Monterey County right now, and let me tell you, if I asked a woman out on a date, it would probably be a big strike against me if I didn't have my own pad. I mean, we have a very high cost of living too, but it's not like SJ with its high apartment occupancy rate and insane rental prices. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but I would like to think that if you have roomies in the SJ area or in southern Alameda County that it is at least understandable. I am not just talking about dating, but in people's general attitude towards you.

Part of the reason why I am desiring to move to the SJ area (or southern Alameda County) is that I'm wanting to be around a greater diversity of people and more of them. There are just so much more things for single people to do after work, even if it's just learning to be a fencer. I know there are the constant cracks about "Man Jose" (how there seem to be so many more single women than men in SJ), but man, I walk around Fremont, Milpitas, San Jose, Mountain View, Palo Alto, etc., and while it's not like Manhattan, it's way better than Monterey where there are 4 single women for every man at my age. I have checked it out on the online dating sites. At the very least, there seem to be so many more better opportunities for meeting single people (whether male or female) through various kinds of volunteer activities and such. I do better with this than online dating. I do best when it comes to dating or making male friends when there is some sort of activity to share, a group of people to help, etc. In others, when things aren't so formal, and you can get to know people gradually.

Anyway, this is getting off track. My concern is if I am 48, single and have roomies in a decent house in San Jose or Fremont, is this something that could be looked down upon by most locals? I just wouldn't know because I don't reside in the area. Thanks for your insight.

[joey_mcmarbles]

There's no shame in doing what you gotta do to make bank, no shame at all. Ignore the haters and do your thing, remember what haters like Ballmer had to say about iPhone when it launched. SJ did't blink an eye, if anything haters like Ballmer and Dell fueled SJ's drive.

About the women situation, you need to remember the order of things. First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women. Just concentrate on the first one for now and the others will come in natural order.

I strongly recommend you not live in San Jose, that place will weigh you down. Fremont is fine.

[Vic Romano]

Any reason why you wouldn't consider Sacramento?

[greenbook]

Nothing about SAC appeals to me, though I know some folks love it. I love the area between Campbell and Union City (both sides) and being closer to the ocean. I have grown up around the ocean my whole life, so I need some proximity to it. When Campbell used to have Tower Records, Rasputin Music, Baja Fresh, Barnes and Noble and Del Taco, I thought I had died and gone to heaven I didn't need a woman in my life! I used to hang out in Campbell every weekend but now all that's left is Baja Fresh and a Rasputin Music that has more used CD's than new CD's.

It's too hot in Contra Costa, and I have never dug the area around San Francisco. Except for visiting. The traffic is bad everywhere, but I have had way more bad traffic experiences north of Union City than anywhere else.

Speaking of traffic, how is the BART to San Jose project coming along? Are things on schedule, or have there been hold ups?? When I attend events at the SAP Center, I always ditch my car at a VTA Lot and take the light rail on in. It's great because the light rail is so cheap (yes, I am honest and pay my fair, although I still haven't seen a person ask for tickets yet - although it does occur)). But man, BART costs a lot: $12.90 between Union City and downtown SF unless you have a clipper.

Obviously, where I exactly live in the San Jose "area" is going to depend on where my job is. But if given a choice, I am inclined with your idea joey-mcmarbles. I almost always stay in Fremont if I am attending concerts and other events.


As for money, I'm never going to be rich. No woman is ever going to be interested in me based on money. It's going to have to be other things. Which is also why I am itching to make a move. If I can't have a lady holding my hand, I sure as heck want to reside in a place where there are more things to do, more people to help, more activities, etc. More things to keep me active and less lonely outside of work. It is best for my mental health.

[silverkris]

Instead of considering what other people think about sharing a place (which sadly, is very common here due to the economic realities) - ask yourself - how do you feel about that personally? Is the tradeoff to share a rental and the lifestyle compromises worth it to live here?

People have to do what they have to do to live here. No shame in that.

[dogandcat]

No it's not a shame to have roommates but I don't know if your future wife would like it...

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

Maybe you could get female roommates with lots of friends, and you'll fall in love with someone who only ever knew you were someone with roommates, so no big surprise let-down.

Women looking for a long-term relationship/marriage, usually want to see potential for a decent future. Even if she doesn't care about being rich, she would be more attracted to someone who is saving up money to buy a house, for instance. So, if you have roomies because you're saving up, there is potential there. If you aren't saving and you don't expect to ever be able to live without roomies, you're not going to look like a great catch. And most women don't want to have to deal with running into roommates after college days are over. So, you're going to have to spin the situation into some potential future that won't include roommates.

[greenbook]

Another issue with having roomies for me is that I have lived in an apartment, on my own, for the past 20 years. And it's been a great one. No one lives above or below me, my bedroom faces a street that is rarely used. I have a neighbor, a nice elderly lady (who allows me to play my stereo) whose living room is adjacent to my living room.


Another issue.....the last time I had roomies, as soon as one of them moved out, he tried to kill two people with a knife. His reason according to the local news: "I was having an argument with a toad, and Larry Flynt is running the state of California." Seriously. It was one of these apartment set ups where 4 people shared a kitchen and you shared a bathroom with another person. I shared a kitchen and bathroom with this guy. One of my other roomies and I thought things were odd when we received a Mein Kampf like manifesto from this man about 2 weeks before he moved out. To see him on the TV set two weeks later in an orange suit was rather unsettling to say the least. It kept me from wanting to ever have roomies ever again. I was just too dang scared. I just bit the bullet, even though it's been very financially costly the past few years. We've just had non-stop rent increases here locally.

[jdhpa]

IMO, the Bay area is great if you either have a lot of money, or if you expect to make a lot of money. If neither is the case, I think there are other places that would provide a better quality of life. The cost to live in the Bay Area is insane, and the traffic is insane.

That's just my opinion, I hope whatever you decide to do works out well for you.

[JSmithMMXVIII]

Originally Posted by greenbook

In the next few years I am considering moving to the San Jose area as a federal government worker. I am 45, single male with zero kids. I know right there now there is no way I can afford to rent a single bedroom apartment or buy a house in SJ. I am going to have to share a house. I know this sounds like a strange question, but because of the cost of living in the SJ area, the amount of hours that many people work, etc., is there less "shame" in sharing, say, a decent house with 2 or 3 other roommates than, say, other areas of the country for guy at my age? I live and work in Monterey County right now, and let me tell you, if I asked a woman out on a date, it would probably be a big strike against me if I didn't have my own pad. I mean, we have a very high cost of living too, but it's not like SJ with its high apartment occupancy rate and insane rental prices. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but I would like to think that if you have roomies in the SJ area or in southern Alameda County that it is at least understandable. I am not just talking about dating, but in people's general attitude towards you.

Part of the reason why I am desiring to move to the SJ area (or southern Alameda County) is that I'm wanting to be around a greater diversity of people and more of them. There are just so much more things for single people to do after work, even if it's just learning to be a fencer. I know there are the constant cracks about "Man Jose" (how there seem to be so many more single women than men in SJ), but man, I walk around Fremont, Milpitas, San Jose, Mountain View, Palo Alto, etc., and while it's not like Manhattan, it's way better than Monterey where there are 4 single women for every man at my age. I have checked it out on the online dating sites. At the very least, there seem to be so many more better opportunities for meeting single people (whether male or female) through various kinds of volunteer activities and such. I do better with this than online dating. I do best when it comes to dating or making male friends when there is some sort of activity to share, a group of people to help, etc. In others, when things aren't so formal, and you can get to know people gradually.

Anyway, this is getting off track. My concern is if I am 48, single and have roomies in a decent house in San Jose or Fremont, is this something that could be looked down upon by most locals? I just wouldn't know because I don't reside in the area. Thanks for your insight.

I never heard of "shame" for having a roommate...but with you saying that it will make others start to feel there is shame in it. I know people a lot older than you who have roommates and date lots of different women.

Also, there are 8 million more women than men in America...for California there are 529,384 more women than men. Remember there is a reason people talk about California girls in all those songs and movies, etc...you never hear people talk about California guys though


I think you need to get over whatever insecurities you have about yourself and stop trying to please others. When you stop trying so hard then you will notice life becomes a lot easier in every aspect...literally.