Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I feel pretty stuck and would be grateful for any advice.
TL;DR: my mother has gaslighted me for years to the point where my siblings and I have become emotionally vulnerable and financially dependent. The oldest sibling and I have seen through her tactics and are working to become more financially secure and move out, hopefully soon. Until then, we're stuck in a very toxic dynamic. Advice?
*************************
I am just waking up to the growing realization of my mother's narcissistic tendencies. Both of my parents' toxic behavior since my siblings and I were young have, in my opinion at least, made it very difficult for us to create healthy relationships with friends and potential S.O.s, and we are all still living here at home as adults. For one reason or another, we are essentially financially dependent on our mother.
My oldest sibling had a severe mental breakdown a few years ago - in my opinion, largely due to the years of parental abuse, toxic friendships, and heavy financial/emotional burdens placed from youth through her teens and 20's - and she is still recovering. The youngest sibling is pretty dependent too, but my mother over-gives to him to where he has shown many toxic, manipulative traits that our mother willingly turns a blind eye to. He is also a victim of the emotional abuse, but my mother's triangulation tactics and his own cunning behavior have not helped our sibling relationship.
As for me, I have been overdependent on my mother's support. I still live in her home in my late 20's - after unsuccessful attempts at grad school (first program was to appease my mother, but I failed, then I didn't have enough money to finish the grad program that I wanted) and constant difficulty in finding a good-paying job, I have been struggling to make ends meet for years. She would constantly tell me not to worry about paying her back or needing money because she saw how much I have been trying -- only for me to learn the horrid things she said about me to my other siblings behind my back. I have been labeled a leech who doesn't want to pay for anything. Now, due to extra money from school loans (I'm currently in grad school - last time, fingers crossed - to further my chosen career trajectory), I have stopped listening to her words and become more financially giving/independent.
Basically, the atmosphere got much worse again when I stood up to my mother after she accused me of always seeing the youngest sibling in a bad light due to his latest (IMO manipulative) actions, no matter what he did. Because I defied her projection, she has since given me worse silent treatment than usual and has been extra nice to my siblings. The eldest sibling is not so willing to stand up for me as she would in the past and potentially get in trouble. While I understand why, I am also disappointed by her reaction to the unfairness. I have always been quick to defend her against my mother, even getting punished for it, but she can have a cooler reaction when the roles are reversed. Maybe she understands that we're not in a position of power to stand up to my mother and "plays the game" smarter than I have. Maybe she just wants peace in her life and is tired of fighting our mother.
Anyway, I am pretty trapped here at the moment: none of my friends know what I have been dealing with and I'm too afraid to say, extended family are just as bad as, if not worse than, my mother and are notorious gossips, and I have not had the confidence to drive for more than a 10-mile radius following a minor accident a few years ago. I'm also stuck in suburbia, so there is no real outlet where I am, and I simply don't have the financial resources to realistically move out - and stay out.
When I am in a better place financially, and when schoolwork has calmed down, I have been heavily thinking about saving up to buy a used car... one cheap enough so that I can be more independent. However, for the foreseeable future (at least a year), I am stuck in this house. I plan to seek out a counselor because I am feeling all of the emotions, hurt, and pain that I have repressed for years bubbling up. I just don't want to verbally explode on my mother and find myself homeless.
Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for such a long rant; I have never opened up to anyone about what is really going on, and I don't know who I can turn to in my personal life for advice. Thank you so much for reading and for any helpful guidance.
You have said a whole lot, however you have not said much. We sounds as if your mother is a cruel and controlling person, and that being in a dysfunctional family is really getting on your nerves.
While I am generally against student loans, your case may be a good reason to go to your university to see if there are financial alternatives so you can live in a dormitory until you complete your graduate degree. I promise you that you will perform better in school too.
Life is too short to be completely miserable in life. And a year's a long time to escape such a family situation. You need to take action now, not later.
The happiest day of my life was driving away from my family, going to college, then graduating into 15% unemployment and a gas crisis and trying to pay rent and survive. No, not easy but what I got was an unshakeable sense of self-confidence that my husband comments on almost 50 years later.
Dear Abby always told her readers when they asked her whether they should divorce their spouse to ask themselves "Are you better with him or without him?" I always ask "What's the worst that can happen?"
I didn't divorce my parents but stayed away from them as much as possible after leaving. They never gave me a dime after high school and not much during HS because I had a job after school. I made my car payments from that job and the final year payments (2 years-used car) made by my grandparents who had little money but did what they could. I paid my tuition and got loans.
If you find the courage to live poor you will gain the self-confidence you will never lose.
When you get out and look back you will see more clearly the situation you are in and be able to make good decisions.
Some women get pregnant and marry to "escape", that is a whole other can of worms I would not recommend.
Pandemic certainly makes moving difficult. But in some ways it could open doors if someone needs a roommate to help cover rent/overhead. Safe jobs are hard to find, unsafe jobs are not worth the risk because many are low-paying.
Make your plans but DO NOT disclose them to anyone. Fly under radar until you are free.
You only have one life. Guard it and use it well.
This topic belongs under '"Non-Romantic Relationships" not here. This board is for those who are into preparedness. Yours is a psychological issue.
I will advise that its time for the OP to get out of school and get to work. Your parent knows you are racking up student loan debt, which will make you more dependent on her. If you cannot finish grad school without living at home, you cannot afford grad school. That's your problem right there.
You have said a whole lot, however you have not said much. We sounds as if your mother is a cruel and controlling person, and that being in a dysfunctional family is really getting on your nerves.
While I am generally against student loans, your case may be a good reason to go to your university to see if there are financial alternatives so you can live in a dormitory until you complete your graduate degree. I promise you that you will perform better in school too.
Life is too short to be completely miserable in life. And a year's a long time to escape such a family situation. You need to take action now, not later.
I am being vague because I was so wary of even typing about this - no one I know knows what’s going on, and I don’t want word to spread should I accidentally reveal too much. I have been struggling with the guilt of seeing my family in a new light, but I also feel in need of advice to break this patterning that my siblings and I have been conditioned to accepting.
While I would love to live off campus for the rest of my program, it is only part-time, and with all that is going on (COVID-19), it’s not possible for me to stay on-campus for the next six months, at least. I am still seeking part-time work, but the program is so intense that I don’t have much down time. I also just haven’t had luck with jobs, sadly. Still trying, though.
And I do want to just get up and leave, but I feel a duty to my siblings, esp. the eldest. While I am disappointed that she is choosing to side with our mother and has become somewhat distant towards me (she’s acting like I’m in the wrong), I worry that, if I were to magically be able to leave tomorrow, she would not have any outlet and would start to return to her dangerous activities in desperate attempt to leave when she feels like my mother is ganging up on her again (she struggles with mental illness). She’s not in a place of strength to stand up for herself, and is more dependent on my mother’s help in a number of ways. I definitely feel the guilt of seeking independence before she gets out.
Last edited by fullbloomeffect; 06-01-2020 at 03:47 PM..
The happiest day of my life was driving away from my family, going to college, then graduating into 15% unemployment and a gas crisis and trying to pay rent and survive. No, not easy but what I got was an unshakeable sense of self-confidence that my husband comments on almost 50 years later.
Dear Abby always told her readers when they asked her whether they should divorce their spouse to ask themselves "Are you better with him or without him?" I always ask "What's the worst that can happen?"
I didn't divorce my parents but stayed away from them as much as possible after leaving. They never gave me a dime after high school and not much during HS because I had a job after school. I made my car payments from that job and the final year payments (2 years-used car) made by my grandparents who had little money but did what they could. I paid my tuition and got loans.
If you find the courage to live poor you will gain the self-confidence you will never lose.
When you get out and look back you will see more clearly the situation you are in and be able to make good decisions.
Some women get pregnant and marry to "escape", that is a whole other can of worms I would not recommend.
Pandemic certainly makes moving difficult. But in some ways it could open doors if someone needs a roommate to help cover rent/overhead. Safe jobs are hard to find, unsafe jobs are not worth the risk because many are low-paying.
Make your plans but DO NOT disclose them to anyone. Fly under radar until you are free.
You only have one life. Guard it and use it well.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s really inspiring that you had the confidence and self-will to gain independence.
I felt a huge wave of guilt after typing the original post, but I am trying to remember all of the knowledge that I gained about the truth of this family dynamic. Yes, I would much rather leave independently, rather than seeking a man to get out. I pray that I can soon. I am struggling to find part-time work that still accommodates my work program and does not require me to get dropped off. I am open to seeking a roommate, once I have enough saved up for at least a few months and a car to get there :
Sorry, heads up - the section below is a mixture of request for advice and a long rant. If you have the time to read and offer advice (I can’t leave this house for at least the next few months, realistically speaking), then I would fully appreciate it!
Do you mind if I ask you how you dealt with the guilt? I feel quite isolated in my thoughts and opinions right now. My other siblings are helping mom out more than before, and it’s making me look pretty ungrateful, self-centered, and cantankerous. When mom and I are alone, she barely acknowledges my presence and won’t say thank you for something I offer or buy her unless someone else is around. I do sympathize with my mother’s pain and hard work ethic - she has supported the whole family for years while dad either couldn’t or wouldn’t work -, but I just can’t take the manipulation, gaslighting, and “encouraging” us to complete her own work projects rather than encourage us to start our own careers. Am I sounding ungrateful? Maybe it’s just circumstantial and she knows that we haven’t found solid footing in our chosen careers, so she’s seeking our help to make ends meet? I’m sorry if this is a naive question, but this family dynamic runs deep, and I can’t fully tell whether I’m getting impatient with a mother who is also frustrated with life circumstances, or if these are narcissistic traits.
She has sacrificed a lot to put us all through school, but she tells us on the one hand not to worry about those sacrifices while on the other hand she talks about all her children to the siblings that so-and-so is such an ungrateful, oblivious burden. I want to say that it’s just her venting to someone who will listen, but learning about how she really feels about me (and me seeing how I have found myself talking about my family members with my mother - we all have done it, only to get burned later) has made me develop some real trust and confidence issues.
I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for standing up to my mother and venting my repressed feelings about the years of abuse throughout childhood to the eldest sibling, but I guess I can’t help it. It definitely backfired on me this time.
I guess, given that I really can’t leave realistically for at least a few months, do you have any advice re: how to get along with everyone in the house? I feel like my mother is playing the victim card (I know that my words hurt her, even though unintentionally, but I feel just as hurt), and she and the eldest are actually getting along better! This is that the eldest was just venting to me last week about the years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse she suffered through at the hands of our father, and she firmly believes that our mother knew, but turned a blind eye until I stood up for the eldest. Now that mom and I are on the outs, the eldest is now hinting that she was angry with our parents before, but has since forgiven them. I just don’t know how to feel or think anymore.
I feel like I’ve been pushed out of family activities in some ways, but I’m also avoiding group activities in the home to create stronger boundaries and focus on my studies.
If you have any advice, I would truly appreciate it. Really. Thanks so much.
This topic belongs under '"Non-Romantic Relationships" not here. This board is for those who are into preparedness. Yours is a psychological issue.
I will advise that its time for the OP to get out of school and get to work. Your parent knows you are racking up student loan debt, which will make you more dependent on her. If you cannot finish grad school without living at home, you cannot afford grad school. That's your problem right there.
Yes, I realized this after the fact and posted it there, but a mod deleted the post. I’m in school to increase my career prospects and get a higher income. I kept hearing from potential bosses that I was either overqualified or under qualified, so grad school it was. Quite the catch-22, isn’t it?
Last edited by fullbloomeffect; 06-01-2020 at 03:56 PM..
Yes, I realized this after the fact and posted it there, but a mod deleted the post. It’s quite the catch-22, isn’t it? I’m in school to increase my career prospects and get a higher income. I kept hearing from potential bosses that I was either overqualified or under qualified, so grad school it was.
A true "catch-22" would exist if people had to have graduate degrees in order to work at jobs and support themselves. All of the introspective psycho-babble in the world doesn't change the fact that it's long past the right time - for you to 'get-up and get-out!'
COVID-19 has certainly made that more difficult, but, that's only been an issue for the last couple of months! You have allowed your search for 'potential' jobs and bosses to become a hypothetical exercise ... for YEARS!
There are a lot of 'real' jobs available for educated people who are simply willing to work --- You only need one job; ...and they really don't care if your mother is narcissistic or not!
A true "catch-22" would exist if people had to have graduate degrees in order to work at jobs and support themselves. All of the introspective psycho-babble in the world doesn't change the fact that it's long past the right time - for you to 'get-up and get-out!'
COVID-19 has certainly made that more difficult, but, that's only been an issue for the last couple of months! You have allowed your search for 'potential' jobs and bosses to become a hypothetical exercise ... for YEARS!
There are a lot of 'real' jobs available for educated people who are simply willing to work --- You only need one job; ...and they really don't care if your mother is narcissistic or not!
Okay. Telling me to go out and find a job when I have been persistently looking for one isn’t necessarily helpful. I have intermittently had work, the last one being a job I held for two years. During that time, I used the bulk of my earnings to apply to and save for school and to start up a business which is functioning, but needs more capital to get it really going. I am in school to learn how to make my business fully thrive, make contacts in my industry, and also gain access to higher-paying jobs should my business not end up working out in the long run. To me, this is a long-term, “slow and steady wins the race” goal.
I do hear where you’re coming from, but this is no psycho-babble. Years of parental figures insisting that you should not stress over finding an apartment is nothing to be taken lightly. And I actually did get an apt. right after college, but I wasn’t able to continue paying rent and had to move back home. I don’t want to make that mistake again, without having better job security. And, it’s actually COVID-19, with us all cooped here in the house, that has opened my eyes to the patterns at home. When I had steady work outside, I was able to get out the house more - we all were, because we all had jobs that took us out of the home -, so naturally you don’t (or at least I didn’t) see that the toxicity was still there, esp. after the physical abuse and general chaos had stopped years prior. It’s this standstill and my siblings and I having less work opportunities that has jolted me awake.
There are no hypothetical excuses; having actual bosses and freelance bosses constantly pay you less than you deserve, even after standing up for yourself, or having terrible bosses from your alma mater happens. No blame games here; it just happens.
I have been willing to work and am always, always applying. Please don’t mistake my passiveness in writing as laziness on my part.
Last edited by fullbloomeffect; 06-01-2020 at 05:20 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
