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Old 04-02-2013, 01:39 AM
 
2 posts, read 14,837 times
Reputation: 11

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My boyfriend's kid lives with the grandma (boyfriend s mom) since the school is way closer to the house than from where we live. BF always stops by to see him and takes him for his days off. Before it was all good until BF asked me to watch him when I was intensely working on my Master's degree. I really couldn't spare anytime for him except making him meals.
He values game over anything and he has ADHD. So every time when I tried to focus on the paper, he screamed out loud cuz the excitement of the game. I suggested him to keep it down a little and he said ok but 5 minutes later, the scream continued. So after half semester's babysitting, I quitted. I told my boyfriend I couldn't do this although I felt awful but I'm sorry I'm gonna quit watching him. He understood it and thus, grandma had to watch him more. Boyfriend got a full time job and his shift does not allow him to watch the kiddo all the time. So it started to grow these weird atmosphere around grandma's household when we visited. They talked in Spanish, although I don't understand, I can definitely feel the tense there.
This is not the most frustrating part. Through the 2+ years, the kid's behavior developed worse. He's been on medication but it does not seem to improve his behavior. He is bad at school and whenever he has a chance at home he grabs playstation controller. He will talk bad about me in front of others although I swear nothing hr said happened. I don't know how they teach the kid at grandma's place, we control his playing time and manner when he comes over.
There was once an accident when he touched my chests. It did not raise my attention until the second time he started to rub my thigh back and forth! I immediately stopped him and said hey listen, don't do this, I do not appreciate it, that's not right and it's rude. He stopped. But later that year, he again, touched my chest, on purpose. His dad scolded him pretty bad but it was so embarrassed for me. I started to keep distance from the kid and observe. And that was when I found out he was watching porn. One of my roommates saw him masterbating one night in front of tv. Of course I told his father about it, he talked to him like 'you are not reaching the age to watch those stuff' and second time when he found out he beat him.
Once three of us sat together and started talking about the stuff happened. I gave him some advice and the boy seemed to took it well. But sadly, everything just kept repeating and I was really tired of trying.
I talked to my boyfriend about his way of teaching kid. I know probably I am not supposed to tell him what to do but I think my boyfriend has a guilt for this kid since he cannot be with him all the time and he spoiled him. He would use game as a "bait" telling the kid that if he behaves he gets a game. I told him you should not encourage him on overgaming. He just bought him an Xbox when he already has a PS3.
I felt very overwhelmed because as time goes by, the affection for his child has been reduced. Every time he came over, I couldn't help but to keep silent because I don't want to say any mean words although they are in my head. I don't like the way I am, just couldn't help. I tried to reason with myself to stand in my boyfriend's shoes cuz I know it's not easy for him, either. I'm pretty sure the boy sensed my dislike and now we barely talked to each other. He will behave nicely in front the father but as soon as he steps out of the door, the kid acts up. I did research online about kids got ADHD, that they need more intention and care. I told my boyfriend the best thing you can do is to live with the kid. Now it starts to get complicated because I do not wish to live with the grandma and either does BF. Since what happened, I had this strong feeling that I should not live with the kid. Seems like its my problem now. And BF started to call me mean. As I just graduated, I would really want to focus on my job and not too many distraction.
This was a long complaining about my life and I genuinely wish it to be ended.
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Old 04-02-2013, 01:42 AM
 
2 posts, read 14,837 times
Reputation: 11
Sorry, a lot of typo and grammar, kind of a mess here.
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Old 04-02-2013, 08:18 AM
 
4,787 posts, read 11,691,528 times
Reputation: 12757
What's your question ?

It seems you're living with your boyfriend now, but the child lives with his grandmother. Is that situation going to change ? You've suggested that the boyfriend live with his child at grandma's. Would you be living there too ? Or do you simply want the boyfriend to move out and you stay where you are ?

I think maybe you need to see where your relationship with the boyfriend is going. Is it going to be status quo or are you two planning on marrying soon ?

If you were to marry would the child be moving in with you two? Even if you don't marry, is grandma willing to keep raising the child through his turbulent teen age years ? Some has to be responsible for him for the next 8 years until he is 18 or so.

You and you boyfriend have different parenting styles. Basically you don't really want to parent this child. Although you do realize that buying the kid off with toys is not helpful to his behavior. Dad's response is to bribe with toys and if that doesn't work to beat the kiddo. That's not going to work either.

The boy is not gong to get better with age. In fact as he becomes a teenager things are likely to only get worse- much worse. If you're concentrating on schooling and career , maybe walking away from this whole relationship may be in your best interest.

You simply have to ask yourself just how invested in this child's problems do you want to be. The kid has boundary issues with adult females which means as he gets old and if he doesn't get consistent professional help, you'll never feel safe alone with him.

I think you have decisions to make and your decisions are going to depend on where you see yourself in 5-10 years. If this is not the life you want, better to leave now. You're not going to have any control over what grandma does or what your boyfriend does, so act in your own best interests.
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Old 04-04-2013, 12:52 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,390 posts, read 11,542,682 times
Reputation: 7544
I think its best for him and the kid if you just go. The child needs a lot of patience and can't help most of it, the bf will be glad later and realize you weren't the one for them. In the future, imo, look for the kidless.

Oh, and it's genetic so make sure your future husband isn't carrying the gene.
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:43 AM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,767,413 times
Reputation: 11122
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
I think its best for him and the kid if you just go. The child needs a lot of patience and can't help most of it, the bf will be glad later and realize you weren't the one for them. In the future, imo, look for the kidless.

Oh, and it's genetic so make sure your future husband isn't carrying the gene.
Totally agree here... best for you if you leave, too. Not saying you have quit the relationship (though I think that's where it'll head), just move out and get your own place.
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,947,864 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
What's your question ?

It seems you're living with your boyfriend now, but the child lives with his grandmother. Is that situation going to change ? You've suggested that the boyfriend live with his child at grandma's. Would you be living there too ? Or do you simply want the boyfriend to move out and you stay where you are ?

I think maybe you need to see where your relationship with the boyfriend is going. Is it going to be status quo or are you two planning on marrying soon ?

If you were to marry would the child be moving in with you two? Even if you don't marry, is grandma willing to keep raising the child through his turbulent teen age years ? Some has to be responsible for him for the next 8 years until he is 18 or so.

You and you boyfriend have different parenting styles. Basically you don't really want to parent this child. Although you do realize that buying the kid off with toys is not helpful to his behavior. Dad's response is to bribe with toys and if that doesn't work to beat the kiddo. That's not going to work either.

The boy is not gong to get better with age. In fact as he becomes a teenager things are likely to only get worse- much worse. If you're concentrating on schooling and career , maybe walking away from this whole relationship may be in your best interest.

You simply have to ask yourself just how invested in this child's problems do you want to be. The kid has boundary issues with adult females which means as he gets old and if he doesn't get consistent professional help, you'll never feel safe alone with him.

I think you have decisions to make and your decisions are going to depend on where you see yourself in 5-10 years. If this is not the life you want, better to leave now. You're not going to have any control over what grandma does or what your boyfriend does, so act in your own best interests.
I totally agree. Unless you are 100% sure that this is the man that you want to marry and be with for the next fifty years, I would say RUN AWAY and never look back. It may sound harsh but unless drastic changes are made in the son's behavior management and impulse control there will be huge problems ahead.

Ten year old boys, even with ADHD, know that you do not touch women's breasts and thighs, even once.

If you are 100% sure that you want to marry your boy friend I would tell him that you insist on intensive family counseling, educational training/parenting classes for you, Dad & Grandma and complete and regular involvement with everything going on in his classroom and school. I would also suggest that you, Dad and Grandma start attending family support meeting for parents of special needs children.

It will not be easy.

Imagine the time and difficulties that you had when you helped with child care for a few months and multiple that by ten and it may give you an idea of what to expect for the next few years. The son had ten years with Dad & Grandma (and rather poor parenting skills) so his behavior will not be changed overnight. Expect many, many months, if not years of very hard work.

If you were my sister, friend or daughter I would strongly urge you to leave.

Good luck to you. Please post back to keep us updated.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-04-2013 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:07 AM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,071,093 times
Reputation: 27047
You did the right thing. You don't have the genuine interest in helping raise this child in the right way. Making the decision to be honest about your dislike of the situation was the honorable thing to do with regards to your relationship with his father.
Don't beat yourself up about this...You did what a good person would do, you put the child's needs for his father above your needs for this relationship.
I think that you did the right thing, move on and have a good life.
Hope the ex-boyfriend steps it up for the sake of his child.
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Old 04-06-2013, 02:21 PM
 
Location: Kansas
25,550 posts, read 21,738,439 times
Reputation: 26130
Another vote for leaving the bf. This situation is going to get harder. The real loser is the son since it doesn't look like he is getting the help that he needs. I am sure the school counselors would be happy to try to help or suggest other resources for the family. They need help but probably won't get it unless things get so out of hand that the state involved which could easily happen. It could be a read mess if you stay. Move on because they won't deal with these problems and you'll suffer.
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Old 11-03-2021, 01:36 AM
 
1 posts, read 2,259 times
Reputation: 11
RUN! Sorry sometimes what the parents create is not always the next persons problem to fix!
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Old 11-03-2021, 07:05 AM
 
2,142 posts, read 3,035,709 times
Reputation: 12193
Since the OP is 7 years old, I imagine it’s resolved itself one way or another.
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