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Your story is my worst fear. This boy we have is a severe case as well. He is cunning, manipulative, a liar, mean spirited, the list goes on and on. Tonight I started to cry while talking to him about deliberately trying to get his little sister into trouble. He is VERY articulate when dealing with kids his age - or anyone other than an adult. When he talks with me, it's "Oh, I cant answer that question." Oh, I dont know that question" " I cant tell" in the lamest baby phony sickly sweet voice you have ever heard. 'Course my husband and I are the ones that see it - he is very very good at fooling most adults. I am worried for the happiness of my family - mainly the other kids. My husband and I can deal with him I think, but he is horrible to the other kids. We went from a really quite peaceful house to a war-zone within 2 months of his entering our home.
I feel like a crazy person accusing a young child of these things...and if I hadnt witnessed the behaviors with my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed it.
He is seeing an attachment therapist intermittantly. She does holding therapy...I wonder if play therapy would help as well? I am considering increasing his therapy to a cople of times a week. I am worried I am running out of time.
Is there anyone out there with a young child, and if so, what kind of therapy are you trying?
worriedsick
Your story is my worst fear. This boy we have is a severe case as well. He is cunning, manipulative, a liar, mean spirited, the list goes on and on. Tonight I started to cry while talking to him about deliberately trying to get his little sister into trouble. He is VERY articulate when dealing with kids his age - or anyone other than an adult. When he talks with me, it's "Oh, I cant answer that question." Oh, I dont know that question" " I cant tell" in the lamest baby phony sickly sweet voice you have ever heard. 'Course my husband and I are the ones that see it - he is very very good at fooling most adults. I am worried for the happiness of my family - mainly the other kids. My husband and I can deal with him I think, but he is horrible to the other kids. We went from a really quite peaceful house to a war-zone within 2 months of his entering our home.
I feel like a crazy person accusing a young child of these things...and if I hadnt witnessed the behaviors with my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed it.
He is seeing an attachment therapist intermittantly. She does holding therapy...I wonder if play therapy would help as well? I am considering increasing his therapy to a cople of times a week. I am worried I am running out of time.
Is there anyone out there with a young child, and if so, what kind of therapy are you trying?
worriedsick
Deirdre.1 -
My heart goes out to you and your family - because I know what you are going through - trust me, I know...and I hurt for you and your family.
We have found that there is no easy answer, no medicine, no miracle cure. I've been a mother to my step-son since he was 4 years old (he is now almost 9) and back then, I didn't know what RAD was - but all of the signs were there. He has been in therapy with a great therapist for over two years, first a regular therapist, and has spent the past year doing play therapy, but as far as it working, I can't say that we've seen any positive results. Not because she is incompitent in any way - it's just such a hard disorder to break through.
He has always been at ease lying to anyone and everyone if it got him what he wanted. He was and still is extremely manipulative. He enjoys watching other people hurt and has even laughed in my face and told me he wanted a snack when I explained to him that he couldn't be in the house because of his threats to kill our unborn baby and his inappropriate behavior with my two girls (now ages 6 and 5).
I ran myself ragged, putting the end of my college degree on hold, not working, and basically living my life to try and give my step-son a positive environment to grow up in.
If you read some of my earlier posts, you can see what our family has been through, but I can tell you that I was not ready to learn that my step-son had been sexually abusive to what we know now to be both of my daughters.
I no longer have contact with my step son, and my girls do not see him under any circumstances. I am dealing with my own issues being 6 months pregnant. I've been in the hospital for stress, have continually lost weight since I've been pregnant - can not sleep, and if I do, I have nightmares about what my girls went through. I often will sit and cry, and it hits me anywhere I'm at. Emotionally, I'm broken right now, but am trying to stay strong for my girls.
My oldest daughter has had to switch schools to ensure she has no contact with my step son, which has caused a great deal of stress for her, adding to what she is going through. Most of the time, I break down crying when I look at them. I feel like a horrible mother, I feel like I let them down and I am sickened by what they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
My husband (my step-son's father) and I have agreed that he will not be living in our house any more under any circumstances, for fear for what he could do in the future, and the emotional trauma it would cause my girls.
We have been turned down by 4 PMIC care facilities, and are now waiting a trial from DHS to have him adjudicated so DHS can place him in a facility.
Our family has been broken, but we are holding on with everything we have to stay together. My husband sees his son, because regardless of what he's done, every child needs a parent. I'm not ready to do that yet. I've been told I'm dealing with issues of a person that has been traumatized, but no matter what I'm dealing with - it's nothing compared to what my daughters are going through.
I can't tell you anything that will fix your situation. I wish I could. I can tell you to stay strong, be united with your husband. Talk to people for support. I know not many people understand what you're going through and either think you exaggerate about your son's behavior, or you just aren't nurturing....and as a RAD parent, I know neither are true.
As I go through therapy myself, I hope that I can find a more constructive way to deal with my pain and to help my girls deal with theirs, and my husband of course...who this is very hard on.
Please, stay in contact with me. To be honest, I could use a friend right now too. If you'd like to e-mail privately, here's my e-mail address (nykkeesix@aol.com)
I pray for you every night. I can stop thinking about what you're going through.
JustJamie,
Thank you....thank you more than I can express for praying for my family.
Most are ignorant to the issues me and my family face each day. Most of the time, we don't tell anyone -even our friends, who just can't grasp what we've been through and the challenges we have ahead.
My 6 year old daughter is having an extremely hard time adjusting to her new school after we transferred her. She doesn't understand why my step-son gets to stay at her old school and she has to switch, if she is the one that didn't do anything wrong. Very valid question on her part, but no easy answer.
Her new teacher and principal are the only two that know what happened to my daughter. However, my daughter's teacher is extremely ignorant and makes huge issues out of small things - attributing everything my daughter does to the fact that she was abused.
For instance, she called home to inform me that she was upset at my daughter for asking two other students if they were boyfriend and girlfriend ad for drawing a picture for another student that said "I love you" on the top - one of the only sentences my daughter can write. Please remember, my daughter is 6 years old, in 1st grade. This is not uncommon behavior for anyone at this age.
I'm furious with this lady, and am currently working on getting my daughter out of her class. It adds insult to injury and makes me sick.
Currently, we are awaiting my step-son's adjudication hearing, which should happen the first part of this month. Both of my daughters are now in play therapy and I pray that we can someday find our own normal and live without this dark cloud hanging over our heads.
Thank you so much again - and to everyone on here who has wished our family well.
The good news - many conduct disordered kids do not end up with an antisocial personality diagnosis. The bad news - for some kids, the genetic component is pretty strong and it's not clear what can be done. Also, intervention has to be pretty early.
In some ways, all you can do is do the best you can, and hope for the best. A group home sounds like a good idea.
As I read this it scared me alittle - and I am probably over reacting, but...my husband has always exhibited some anti-social behaviour and our marriage has the scars to prove it. Infidelity, lying, manipulation, etc.
Yjrough the years, some thigns have gotten better, although he accepted counseling and then lied to the therapist - who then told me there was no hope for this marriage. That was in 1998.
I now have a baby boy with him, his only child and my third. The scary part - I am already seeing personality traits in my 6 month old that do not seem appropriate for his age. I have never left him with a sitter and am a sahm. He has begun to flex his muscles about eating - purses his lips and pushes the bowl away, refuses to sleep and has gone for 12 hour stretches at a time with only a 5 minute or so cat nap.
I know these things can be normal steps of childhood, seeing how far they can go, fighting sleep, etc., but there are times when I look in this baby's eyes and it is as if he says - you can't make me and I will do what I want. He thre a tantrum - no lie - flat out full fledged cry til you puke tantrum a few nights ago and all my husband and I could do was keep him protected from hurting himself and let him wear out. Nothing worked - hugging, kissing, cuddling, bottle, toys, picking up, walking - nothing.
Yesterday he had a good day and ate - after I let him hold the other side of the bowl and stick his fingers in the food. He slept too, but I presume it was because he had no sleep the day before. He does sleep through the night most of the time, now that I have convinced my husband to stop picking him up every time he wimpers. That was becoming exhausting.
I have a monitor, and during the day when he goes down for a nap (falls asleep while being rocked) if hw wakes up and is 'talking', playing, I will let him stay there for a short while before picking him up.
He cannot go to sleep on his own yet, and I am not sure if I should expect it - but if I remember right my oplder sons did so at 6 months with no trouble. I know, different child - but different circumstances.
I do not think I would be concerned if it were not for the tantrums. He pulls my hair, scratches me, bites, and hates the word 'no'. Very smart for his age, as he knows 'no' means he can't have or do what he wants. He is very angry when he tries to reach a toy and can't, as he is working on crawling but not quite there yet. It's as if his brain is far beyond his body capabilities.
So - genetically speaking - with his father's behaviour - oh, and daddy tests out at 'genius' level I.Q., he is a computer engineer by trade, but there is nothing he cannot do - should I be worried or just continue to approach him as a regular 6 month old?
I just wonder sometimes how your daughters are doing, in their heads.
You're welcome.
Things will get better; I promise you.
JustJamie-
Trust me - my husband and I wonder the same. They both go to play therapy once a week, and every now and then, I will remind them that when they are ready to talk - I will always be ready to listen.
My 5 year old is extremely frightened of the threats my step-son made toward her. He told her that if she told on him, he would kill her, or he would kill my unborn baby. She's so sensative right now, and she keeps reminding my husband and I that we need to keep the baby safe. The psychologist said that seems to be her main concern. We remind her that our house is safe now - even going as far as to rearrange our home, change their room, and re-do the room my step son used to be in. They psychologist told us that sometimes, it gives a child a new perspective when things are re-newed in their home - that the bad things are gone.
My 6 year old seems to be a bit more reserved with her feelings. She is now in what our psychologist calls "crisis mode". She doesn't stop to think about anything. She runs herself ragged (literally), especially when someone mentions wanting to help her talk about what happened. She will exhaust herself, talking non-stop, jumping around, and just playing as hard as she can so she doesn't have to stop and think about what has happened to her.
She often asks if my step-son will be somewhere that we're going. We are constantly reassuring her that we will not let him hurt her again. She has even tried to tell people she has a brother with a different name, who she classifies as nice to her. Her psychologist says that it's because she doesn't want to believe that her step-brother has hurt her so bad, but she is close to understanding she can't escape the realities of what happened.
My daughter has expressed such sadness, she doesn't understand she hasn't done anything wrong. She also is having such a hard time grasping how someone in your family, could or would want to hurt you so bad.
We have had to limit the children who come to our house because my step-son is at their old school having no problems telling kids stories about why he doesn't live here anymore - which I don't want getting back to my daughters. They've lost so much.
What a burden for a child....both of my girls honestly believe that my step-son will come back and kill them and it tears me apart that they feel like we can't protect them. I can't blame them given what they have gone through, and I didn't even know.
Nykkee-I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a horrible time. I'm sure you feel a great amount of guilt, but the truth is that you were victimized too. You are moving in the right direction. All you can really do now is endure, until the dust settles a bit.
I'm also glad to hear that your husband is finally on board. Thank god.
It is good to know that I am not crazy and there are others out there who are going through what I am.... I took custody of a family member's child about 6 yrs ago. She is now 12 yrs old and no better off then when she came to me. She alienated my oldest daughter so that she did not want to stay at home and eventually moved out. She forced me to turn over custody of her little sister after she began threatening to push her down the stairs. She is always so jealous and spiteful. She sabotaged one relationship a few years ago and now my current boyfriend of 14 months just told me he cannot handle it anymore. That is 4 relationships down... I cannot handle it anymore. She lies constantly and everyone else thinks she is so charming and sweet. Unitl they get to know her. she has not friends because she constantly lies and tries to prove she is better. She has acted out sexually and uses her prior abuse as an excuse. Regular therapy did not work and she was on so many different meds it was awful. None of them worked.... some actaully made her suicidal at times. She has spent time in repsite care and the psych ward at the children's hospital.
I feel so guilty that I could not "fix" things.... I tried for 6 years. I deserve to have a life and be happy, right? I took her in thinking I was making her life better. But here we are, 6 yrs later.... and there is still no connection. I can't do this anymore...
I am seeking some sort of residential treatment. I currently live in Jacksonville, FL. Does anyone have any contacts in this area. She was in therapy about 1 1/2 yrs ago before we moved here and were were just starting to discuss the diagnosis of RAD. Nobody here seems to know what I am talking about, so I doubt a specialist is an option. Any info is greatly appreciated.
T
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Now 6 month pregnant mother with RAD step-son
