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My stepson is 11. I have been with his dad since he was 7. Much of the time he is a good kid. Emotionally he is about 5 years behind. He has two major "obsessions" - food and computer games. My problem is that he regularly becomes confrontational and argumentative, especially when it comes to food and games.
For example, he is a terribly sloppy eater. Food is all over the table and floor, he licks his hands and then sticks them in the serving bowl (e.g. to get more chips), he holds his head up with his left hand, uses his shirt as a napkin, chews with his mouth open and makes loud smacking noises. Sometimes it is difficult to sit through a meal with all of this. When he is gently asked to stop one of these, he will start yelling at you denying that he is doing it. If my husband starts smacking (to see if he will notice), he gets angry, says it is disgusting, and accuses my husband of "doing this to him". (It is as if he is incapable of 'putting himself in our shoes')
Another example occurred tonight. I moved a cushion that he was sitting on because I knew that it would get food on it (the other boys did not have a cushion). He said to me in a threatening tone of voice, that I had to put it back.
Rarely is he thankful or grateful (unless prompted and then it is said half-halfheartedly) and regularly makes demands or threats.
I can deal with most of his AS behaviors but being treated with such disrespect, is really, really hard. His dad is very gentle with him most of the time, until I have had it and vent to his dad in private. Then he 'lets his son have it' and I feel terrible because now I am in the position of being the tattle-tale.
I have become so educated on Aspergers that I know more about it now than either of his parents. Knowledge helps my level of understanding but my gut is telling me that making excuses for him and allowing this type of behavior to continue is just going to make his life (and mine) very difficult in the future.
Anyone out there had experience with type of behavior or this type of situation?
Well, yeah. He does have difficulty "putting himself in your shoes". Lack of empathy is a clearly noted part of the diagnosis, and expecting spontaneous shows of gratitude is probably futile-- though if you have become highly educated on Asperger's I would guess you're aware of that already.
That having been said, Asperger's kids are pretty high functioning as a group, and there's no reason he cannot follow some household rules. You and Dad will have to be on the same page with it, though, because he will happily divide and conquer if he can-- Asperger's does not equal stupid. Good cop/bad cop will not work in the end; good-cop-as-hired-muscle-for-bad-cop will probably kill your marriage.
So figure out, with Dad, what behaviors bug both of you the most. For us it's disrespectful speech (though if she ever tried to threaten me, she'd be toast). If my daughter is disrespectful or rude she has to rephrase and re-tone her speech. Sometimes the same sentence gets said three or four times until she has it right. (Sometimes what this tells me is that she really didn't know she was being disrespectful; other times it tells me she was being a bullheaded teenaged girl.) Other infractions equal loss of privileges. She's gone weeks without her Nintendo DS at times.
We insist on at least minimal table manners: no elbows on the table, chew with your mouth closed, use your napkin, and no "boardinghouse reach". If you can't accomplish that you're obviously too tired to be at the table and need to go to your room for a lie down. You miss dinner, probably, but no one in this house is so badly nourished they'd die from missing a meal.
My daughter's disability may challenge her. But not teaching her basic social skills just because it's a challenge for me would cripple her, and I can't have that. (Not because I have visions of myself as Perfect Mom, but because I don't want her living in my basement at forty.)
I also agree that you should pick one or two things and start working the kinks out of that. If its being disrespectful then call him out on it and do as the other poster suggested to rephrase and re-tone. Once you have got that problem dealt with go on to the next. My son is a sloppy eater but now I make him sweep the floor under his chair and his is getting better. Got a little hand held broom and dustpan for him. Using the shirt as a napkin is what we are working on and somewhere he understood it and gets a new napkin every time he needs to use one so we go though a lot of paper napkins right now! But at least he gets the point. We do a loss of game time no computer game time,video games ds and that has worked for us. It sounds like someone has given up or never tried to implement the use of manners It might take quite a while for him to get the hang but he will. If dad shares custody its going to be easiest if all are on board with the plan so you might want to talk to his mom if you can.
All very good advise. Nothing I really need to add, but wanted to share my son's eating habits. Although he has wonderful table manners he prefers to eat alone. He does well in public so I don't mind that he has been eating alone for the last 15 years. Why does he prefer this? He HATES to talk while he eats. It grosses him out to talk when he might have food stuck in his teeth or mouth and he hates to look at others doing the same. I learned this one when he was very, very young. I made him sit at the table until he was a teen, but I also allowed him the opportunity to just sit there and read a book while the adults talked. It worked for us.
Nothing much to add except that many people with AS strongly prefer to eat with their hands rather than silverware. I'm nearly 40 and I still prefer to eat with my fingers! I can and do use silverware when necessary, thanks to some militant schooling in table manners, but anything that is acceptable to eat with my hands in public I will. If this grosses you out, especially if he's licking his fingers and reaching back into a communal dish, you might want to consider giving him his own bowl and not letting him have access to the communal one.
I can't help you with the shirt-as-napkin issue, since I'm still guilty of this in informal settings (although it's usually my pants not my shirt). My dad made me eat naked at the table for a month and even that didn't break it... although I was more careful to use a napkin if he or my mom was around. Making him clean up his own messes, including his own laundry would probably help... then he'll understand first-hand cause and effect.
But you and your husband have to agree and be consistent with handling these things. Your son will either divide and conquer or the inconsistency will confuse him and make solidifying appropriate behaviors more difficult. It's sometimes really difficult for us to understand why something is ok with one person or in one circustmance and not others.
Nothing much to add except that many people with AS strongly prefer to eat with their hands rather than silverware. I'm nearly 40 and I still prefer to eat with my fingers! I can and do use silverware when necessary, thanks to some militant schooling in table manners, but anything that is acceptable to eat with my hands in public I will. If this grosses you out, especially if he's licking his fingers and reaching back into a communal dish, you might want to consider giving him his own bowl and not letting him have access to the communal one.
I can't help you with the shirt-as-napkin issue, since I'm still guilty of this in informal settings (although it's usually my pants not my shirt). My dad made me eat naked at the table for a month and even that didn't break it... although I was more careful to use a napkin if he or my mom was around. Making him clean up his own messes, including his own laundry would probably help... then he'll understand first-hand cause and effect.
But you and your husband have to agree and be consistent with handling these things. Your son will either divide and conquer or the inconsistency will confuse him and make solidifying appropriate behaviors more difficult. It's sometimes really difficult for us to understand why something is ok with one person or in one circustmance and not others.
This is so true for every person on this planet. We each perceive life in our own way and do things our own way.
It's teaching people that we are all different that is the hard part. We strive so much to be "like everyone else" when we will never be anyone but ourselves.
My son is just now learning that EVERYONE is different, not just those with Asperger's. Hey, he even suggested that those with Asperger's might just be a higher thinking being on the evolutionary scale. Who am I to say they are or aren't?
When I worked with adults with Aspergers the thing that was repeated by them over and over is "nobody told me that was wrong, nobody told me there was a better way of doing it". So maybe your stepson isn't aware his manners and behavior are bad or that he needs to change. You will be doing him a great service by teaching him just remembers Aspies need to be talk why they need to do something. It helps them a great deal to be told "why" with everything they are taught as most of them are constantly wondering why as they get older. So tell them why.
I don't think I would just chalk up ungratefulness to Aspergers. His behavior in that area is exhibited by many, many young people today who do not have Aspergers. Its more a sign of the times that things like politeness have not been taught at school or at home and also are not seen on tv so where are they going to learn proper behavior if they see no one doing it themselves? I believe you mentioned he spends a lot of time playing video games. Have you thought for a minute how if his "reality" is inside a video game he isn't going to see good manners, politeness and gratefulness being exhibited inside those games. So if he spends most time living inside a game and not participating in the real world in social settings he's not really seeing the right way to behave.
Sounds like the kid needs some serious corporal punishment.
In general, corporal punishment does not work with children with autism. They do not connect the punishment to what you are punishing them for even though they may be very bright. They have a lack of emotional intelligence that keeps them from getting the connection. So even if I believed in CP, it tends to be quite ineffective in the case of children with autism.
As a child I was dealt a quite liberal dose of corporal punishment... all it did was make me even more reluctant to associate with people. Yes, I "learned" the "right" way to behave, but mostly just because I withdrew even further and lived in a constant state of low-level fear. I didn't do anything because it might be something that I would be punished for... CP seemed fairly random to me. As I got older, that flipped, and I did whatever I wanted despite the fear of repercusions because I was going to be punished for something anyway, I might as well get something I enjoyed out of it. So, from my experience, all that routine CP teaches an autistic child is that people hurt.
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