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My son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. We are in the process of getting a second opinion, but unfortunately my husband thinks it is utter crap. It explains a lot of my son's behaviors and I am beside myself how to deal with this.
At first my husband was on board, was ready to move forward with therapy and what my son needs. Now he thinks we are too soft on him and this is why he is having issues with eating. He thinks the reason my son is not engaging other children is because he isn't putting forth an effort.
I have tried to explain these are all part of Aspergers, but he doesn't want to listen. I don't want this to end our marriage fighting over what is best for our son. I really am shocked that he is so against the thought of this being a real diagnosis.
Has anyone else had this issue? How did you deal with it? We are having discussions and not fighting about it, but I don't know how long that will last.
read the post "Aspergers or Ass" and its a look forward for what youll be dealing with if you dont take charge and get your son help. remember that this issue is a 24/7 job. aspergers kids need 24/7 supervision and CONSTANT behavior training. you CANNOT slip up and forget to discipline them like a normal child. if you do, they will forget. its sad to say but training an aspie is very similar to training a dog. and they will forget if you are not consistent. i suggest to parents unwilling to work 24/7 to hire a specialist to work daily with the child and you.
remember, the hardest part is accepting the issue. if you can do that, the best will come your way. aspergers is not a retardation-its a communication and social disorder. your child may very well end up being a low to lower-mid level functioning person if you work hard and stay focused. remember- you accept it because you love your child and want the best for them, this can only come through professional help. if you cant work with a specialist or do it yourself, i suggest looking at professional mental disorder homes or camps where they teach him independence and responsibility along with social graces and communication skills.
mistermister thank you for the advice. Our son is 10 years old and just diagnosed. He is very 'high functioning' and independent. We are extremely consistant with discipline and he is a wonderful kid.
The problem is since we have moved traits that were very subtle, anxiety and social interaction, were not noticed. He had great friends, no problem interacting or making new friends. Now being immersed in a new school four times the size of his old school, everything is coming to a head.
We are getting a second opinion and will get him therapy. I am just worried how to hold a marriage together when we are on two opposite sides of the spectrum.
sadly, more than 50% of marriages end with special needs kids based on how to raise the child. dont let that affect you other than to encourage you to work with your son based on whats best for him. a great philosophy that many mothers hold is that you love your child before your husband. when you have a child, he consumes your life, not so much your husband anymore. dont get a divorce based on this info but work with your husband. men have trouble accepting retardation and mental disorder in their sons based on the diappointment of what they wanted and expected. let him grieve once he accepts and move on. its not about what he wants or wanted anymore, its what you both need to want for your child. remember, aspergers or not, one day you will die and your children need to be able to survive without being burdened on siblings or other relatives. (mainly so in this sense because he is high functioning)
mistermister thank you for the advice. Our son is 10 years old and just diagnosed. He is very 'high functioning' and independent. We are extremely consistant with discipline and he is a wonderful kid.
The problem is since we have moved traits that were very subtle, anxiety and social interaction, were not noticed. He had great friends, no problem interacting or making new friends. Now being immersed in a new school four times the size of his old school, everything is coming to a head.
We are getting a second opinion and will get him therapy. I am just worried how to hold a marriage together when we are on two opposite sides of the spectrum.
I think this is one of those "put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child" situations. The first therapy that I would seek would be couples counseling. Your husband probably just needs more time to process this diagnosis than you do. I think this is fairly typical. My husband took much longer to accept our children's diagnoses of dyslexia and ADHD and kept thinking we could "parent it out of them". Within a few months he came around, but I think Mom's jump into helping mode much faster than most men do.
So - I would suggest some couples counseling to help you both talk about your fears and concerns in a way that allows you both to communicate and be heard. Your son is 10, if he waits a few more months for therapy it will not be as bad as if his parents can't get on the same page.
My son, 5, was diagnosed about a month ago, too. He's high functioning, too, - reading the report, he's borderline in some areas and normal in others. Our problem is that my dh has the same gene and basically that runs in the male side in the family, that's where my son got it from to start with. So the reaction from my husband, at first, was a bit confrontational - right in front of those specialists in that assessment room ,- he basically took it that they were calling our son *defective* in some way, and himself by extension, and out of defense, told them - What if we invite any 6 kids off the street, will you be able to tell any difference between them and our son? Maybe other kids have worse inclinations and upbringing?
Well, it was an odd remark in itself, - those people were just trying to help in the diagnosis, - it's the same as getting back at a doctor who'd diagnose you with shingles? I was trying to explain my dh later that no one is calling our son "bad" or "inferior", it's just a diagnosis of a condition, like, say, a kidney problem. So I have to deal **with my dh and with my son** both, finding ways to explain things.
Yes, I think a lot of it comes from my dh taking it personally, - and after he himself said he didn't like school and tended to skip classes as he got older. I went to this assessment armed with that knowledge, and with the purpose of helping my son at school should he have the same problem, since no one helped or paid attention to those conditions when dh was a child. And then dh himself starts to bristle.
So look at it this way, - maybe your husband himself has the gene? And is defensive? And needs as much work to get an idea that he doesn't like, through his head as your son?
Our middle two sons have some personality quirks that I am concerned with, the third more than the second, but anytime I mention some sort of intervention he bristles and insists we are just not spending enough time or the right kind of time on working them through it.
I think he means himself more than I, on the spending more time working on it, since he works very long hours and I am home with them. (at least he better!)
When I had our third son evaluated through the school system they did not find that he was in need of assistance at that time. They thought he should go through the preschool program and if there were any problems they would become more evident there. My DH took that as meaning there was nothing wrong with him and basically gave me the "I told you so" look.
I am not convinced that he is not going to need some sort of therapy or something but I know DH will scoff at first but eventually come around.
I do think they perceive it as an attack on their abilities or something so give him some time and maybe when he sees some progress he will eventually be more on board with it.
I think this is one of those "put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child" situations. The first therapy that I would seek would be couples counseling. Your husband probably just needs more time to process this diagnosis than you do. I think this is fairly typical. My husband took much longer to accept our children's diagnoses of dyslexia and ADHD and kept thinking we could "parent it out of them". Within a few months he came around, but I think Mom's jump into helping mode much faster than most men do.
So - I would suggest some couples counseling to help you both talk about your fears and concerns in a way that allows you both to communicate and be heard. Your son is 10, if he waits a few more months for therapy it will not be as bad as if his parents can't get on the same page.
Good luck!
It took forever for my DH to come around as well. for years arguing about whether or not to get him tested. I ended up just making plans for different types of testing without him. but then still of course having him come in for results. He kept saying there was no point if there was not a "magic pill" to fix everything. then we finally got results (at 8 yrs and toward end of school yr) of severe ADHD and dyslexia along with 8 other things. DH was devistated. I let him do his grieving and denial thing while I pursued without talking much. we now have ds in therapy and dh started babying him and letting him get away with just about everything. It only took a few weeks for our well behaved child to start becoming a monster. I used ds's therapy kind of like couples/family therapy. the psychiatrist thankfully took a lot of interest in my husband and me. DH is now coming back around and realizes how ds needs consistancy and rules.
anyway, now we treat him just like a normal child again but we have to speak slower, do things more on a 6 yr old level, and try to catch signs of anxiety before it starts. took dh awhile but he is now fully on board. all except I believe he has high functioning asperger's or PDD
the biggest concept to remember is that your child will be as crippled as you make him. if you dont train your aspie to behave atleast 75% "normal" then you are crippling him. if you dont base everything he does on minor rewards, he will never do it. because they fixate and obsess so easily, i suggest building a chore list around the fixation. include homework and social time.
example:
if the fixation is "pokemon" offer 30 minutes of "pokemon" time, whether is be tv or video games, for completing various tasks. take trash out, clean room, make bed, empty dishwasher, can be worth 30 min together. homework can be worth an extra 30 min if it is extensive. never give "just because" gifts to an aspie because its easy for them to develop expectancy not only in you but in other people. they can easily start telling you to get them something they want at random events. save gifts for birthday and christmas only.
everything you want them to do is based on what they do for you. le tthem know it too! "if you dont say 'thank-you' after i take you to dinner at mcdonalds, then we arent going to go anymore" sure it will take them some time as it takes most kids around 10 years of habit to not easily forget manners.
let me know when you want to start trying this concept and i can send you deeper info i have studied.
the biggest concept to remember is that your child will be as crippled as you make him. if you dont train your aspie to behave atleast 75% "normal" then you are crippling him. if you dont base everything he does on minor rewards, he will never do it. because they fixate and obsess so easily, i suggest building a chore list around the fixation. include homework and social time.
example:
if the fixation is "pokemon" offer 30 minutes of "pokemon" time, whether is be tv or video games, for completing various tasks. take trash out, clean room, make bed, empty dishwasher, can be worth 30 min together. homework can be worth an extra 30 min if it is extensive. never give "just because" gifts to an aspie because its easy for them to develop expectancy not only in you but in other people. they can easily start telling you to get them something they want at random events. save gifts for birthday and christmas only.
everything you want them to do is based on what they do for you. le tthem know it too! "if you dont say 'thank-you' after i take you to dinner at mcdonalds, then we arent going to go anymore" sure it will take them some time as it takes most kids around 10 years of habit to not easily forget manners.
let me know when you want to start trying this concept and i can send you deeper info i have studied.
I'm sorry, I do not agree with the gifting... at least not in my case. We are not a family who goes out and buys stuff just for the sake of buying. We do get the kids "gifts" every now and again. We are not going to isolate DSS from what the others get just because he is ASD.
Just the other month, we took a mini-vacation. While at a gift shop, DSS wanted to buy an item. He had a little money of his own. I purchased the item and when he went to pay me back for it, I told him... "nope... DSS, I wanted to buy ____ for you" He teared up and thanked me profusely. While his sister (who, I bought something she was looking at, as a surprise) just said a weak thank you and went on about her business.
Yes structure is important and I believe a child will live up or down to the expectations you give them. I believe in consistency and direct consequences, but I also remember that even if there is ASD in the mix, they are still children and deserve to have fun... just for the sake of laughter. We do not have any trouble with dicipline or expectations with DSS. We discipline him just the same as the rest of the kids and he has the same responsibilities. It is OUR job as parents to teach children (ASD or otherwise) how to become independent and self sufficient. I completely understand that this is not possible for every child, but the majority can be if they are taught personal responsibility and that they can control their behavior at least to a certain degree. It is also up to us as parents to teach the child the appropriate actions they need to take if they feel their emotions getting the better of them and provide a secure location for their meltdowns/stimes.
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