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Old 06-28-2012, 12:48 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, MO
4,009 posts, read 6,830,339 times
Reputation: 4607

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mike0421 View Post
The idea of city ‘a’ being different from city ‘b’ is really overemphasized in my view, and I think often it is used, unintentionally, I might add, to mask a greater deficiency within the relationship. Let’s face it: the majority of our lives are spent in the workplace, at the house, conscious or unconscious. Very, very little time, again, especially considering the station of life the OP is in, will be spent enjoying the architectural and cultural differences of Omaha vs. St. Louis.
I respectfully wish to disagree that city differences are overemphasized. I do agree that a lot of our time is consumed by the workplace and in our house... but the quality of the time we're able to spend outside the house and away from work can make a huge difference to our overall well being and sense of fulfillment and happiness.

Satisfaction in your surroundings and a sense of pride in your city (or region), I believe is one of everyone's underlying goals whether they consciously realize it or not.

It's an amazing feeling to actually be proud of where you live- not your house, but pride in your city or community. It's great to be able to tell people "sure, come and visit... stay a while" and know that they won't look at the city in disdain or be bored out of their mind due to a lack of recreational activities or events.

Additionally, living in a city as culturally and historically rich (something it's underestimated for) as St. Louis is a blessing within itself. Even my hard to please husband, said to his mother over the phone (while we were in St. Louis last month)... "I could never be bored here, there's always something to do". He's right. When I last lived in St. Louis I never recall the feeling of all encompassing boredom that I've felt the past 4 years in Po-dunk-stupid-horrid-if-it-disappeared-I-wouldn't-care-military-town-ville, North Carolina. For anything half decent to do here, you have to travel at least an hour. Depending on where you live in St. Louis it can be anywhere from 5 minutes to a maximum of 35 minutes and the options are endless.

A decent city is important for the times that you do need to get out of the house. It's important to be spoiled for choice by events and museums and gardens and galleries and architecture and activities. Even though the OP has a baby right now, within a few years the baby will be older- being in a more culturally rich city will be imperative if the OP has a similar attitude to mine about raising children.

I've honestly only spent a total of 72 consecutive hours in Omaha so don't feel that I can reasonably judge it against St. Louis... except to say that within 3 days I was bored out of my mind in Omaha and couldn't wait to get back to the Lou (I was determined to spend at least 72 consecutive hours in every single State to say been there done that- the only one I'm currently missing is Alaska). Although I respected that Omaha somehow seemed 'cleaner' than St. Louis, and I think it would be an okay place to live for a short time if the job opportunity was great, I wouldn't personally see it as a long term solution.

I agree that the OP needs to do what's best for her relationship... but there comes a point where both parties have to compromise. For instance, as I said before, I think my husband got sick of me saying "St. Louis this and St. Louis that" and obviously missing the place like crazy. I think he also eventually saw that North Carolina wasn't going to be okay for us long term.

I wouldn't recommend anybody moving somewhere without a solid financial plan or a job offer, but if the OP and her husband are able to obtain work in St. Louis then I would definitely encourage her husband to consider it more closely, rather than discourage the OP from wanting to move.

A marriage is a two way street. One party can't always bend to the others needs. It needs to be 50/50.

Plus, the OP has the advantage of having family in St. Louis. With a baby, this would help out tremendously. With extended family to share the (positive) burden of a baby, it will be less stress for the OP and her husband.

Anyway, that's just my $3.65 (I typed a lot more than $0.02 cents worth!).
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:18 AM
 
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
18 posts, read 41,684 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by aragx6 View Post
SO loves neighborhoods and dive bars and street festivals and gorgeous parks...
ahahaha, I love how 'dive bars' is now a desirable feature of where one wants to live.


Anyway, just keep talking to him about it and really find out his reasons. My advice is to just not live apart, living in a different city than your SO blows.
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:37 AM
 
Location: Tower Grove East, St. Louis, MO
12,063 posts, read 31,494,009 times
Reputation: 3798
I could not possibly agree more with glam's post if I tried.
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:34 AM
 
1,869 posts, read 5,781,754 times
Reputation: 701
Truth often times is in the middle, and i see it again here. No place is better than another, but places are different.

St. Louis is a good place. It isn't the be all end all for everyone.

In this particular thread/example, what the decision comes down to is the strength of relationship the husband has with the in-laws, family, and friends of those in St. Louis, and the level of desire to go to that. Sometimes those relationships are great and it's a non-issue. Sometimes they are not, and sometimes they are in between.

This thread isn't so much about St. Louis, Omaha, Twin Cities, or a new location not mentioned. It's about two people.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:34 AM
 
Location: 32°19'03.7"N 106°43'55.9"W
9,340 posts, read 20,684,891 times
Reputation: 9877
Quote:
Originally Posted by glamatomic View Post
Plus, the OP has the advantage of having family in St. Louis. With a baby, this would help out tremendously. With extended family to share the (positive) burden of a baby, it will be less stress for the OP and her husband.

Anyway, that's just my $3.65 (I typed a lot more than $0.02 cents worth!).
You would be incredibly surprised how much more political a family becomes when they are exposed to a child, especially if one set of family thinks the other set of family has a higher degree of access to the kids. Kids, extended family and the associated in-house squabbling tests the very sturdiest marriages.

I will stand my ground and maintain that a city or a metropolitan area, and its associated preferences to a marriage partner are slight in factor, compared to the overall state of the marriage, which is based in trust and communication. This is not intended to slight St. Louis or prop up rural North Carolina. It is, as Fishtacos states, about two people. A stroll through Forest Park or a trip in the evening to Fox Theater ultimately is french pastry.
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Saint Louis, MO
1,197 posts, read 2,270,016 times
Reputation: 1016
A lot of the advice to give depends on the personality of the SO. Some people are easygoing and have an "all will work out in the end" type of disposition. Others are very concerned about planning things out and sticking to the plan. Which type her husband is can make all the difference in the world.

My wife is from the STL area. We met 15 years ago when we were both living in Phoenix. Both of our mom's live in Phoenix (I grew up there), and both our Dads live in the Midwest (hers in STL mine in Wisconsin). I was married before and have 2 kids from that marriage. They are now 23 and 19, but were 6 and 10 when we first got together. My wife and I then had 2 kids together. Early on in our marriage my wife indicated a desire to move back to the Midwest. She said she preferred the weather and the lifestyle. I indicated that I was unwilling to move away from my kids that I had shared custody of with my ex-wife. I said that I would consider it after they were both graduated from high school. Initially my wife indicated that our kids together would be too old at that time and entrenched in their lives and she would not want to uproot them. Well as it turns out we took a few trips back over the years and both me and our two kids warmed up to the idea of moving. Initially we looked at a place 1/2 way between Wisconsin and STL (we looked in Davenport, Iowa and Peoria, Illinois.) We then changed and were firmly decided on moving to Wisconsin. I was pretty adamant about not wanting to move back to her hometown. I had met a lot of her friends from high school (she grew up in Jeffco), and let's just say they weren't the kind of people that I normally hang out with. As it turns out my wife got a job offer in her hometown. Although I was somewhat reluctant I just insisted that we move to an area that I would like. I knew that I could not live in her hometown and be happy. We ended up in Webster Groves and it's been great.

Sorry for the long story but I think that sometimes perspective can help to understand advice. My advice would be to not move back to the exact town that you are from. If he moves back to your area respect that he is making a great sacrifice for you. Appreciate that and be very willing to compromise on the details. Think of what he likes as some of the other posters have pointed out and emphasize them. Allow him to choose what he likes about St. Louis and the areas, and he will be much more married to the move. Devalue your desire to be close to your family. The more you make it about that, the more he may feel you are being selfish.
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