I share your disdain for "that" type of scene. Ok, maybe "disdain" is not the correct word; but that crowd isn't exactly appealing and your impressions of the area are more or less spot on.
You COULD, however, come to a compromise. I ALWAYS look into vacation rentals when on beach vacations. They're even better with multiple couples as you can split the cost and share the home. Staying in a vacation rental does a few things for you...
1) Avoid the crowds. As you pointed out, the scene is not exactly geared towards 40-something couples down there. A rental will keep you off of the resort (unless, of course, you want to go visit)
2) Avoid the touristy hotspots. The rentals are generally in more "authentic" locations as they are residences. Sure, they're going to be more upscale than what the average local Mexican has for a home, but it's a far cry from the resort.
3) Flexibility when it comes to activities. All-inclusives tend to have contracts and agreements with "excursion" providers. This means you have limited selection and generally pay a premium. If you rent a home for the week, you will have a lot more flexibility in terms of what you do for fun.
I'd highly recommend renting a car if you go the vacation rental route. Driving is not that difficult in Mexico, and you will give yourself the ability to drive anywhere you desire. You also won't be paying for parking at the resort (which they discourage, anyway). I'm a big fan of snorkeling, but I cannot stand the snorkeling "Excursions" or groups (too little time in the water, bad locations, etc). I'd just assume map out a secluded beach and reef and go off on my own, with my girlfriend or with a friend. I've never been able to do this from an all inclusive as they will only recommend a tour group. The same goes with hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. Get a car and you won't regret it.
Finally, if the other couples can't be sold on the idea of a vacation rental, there's no reason you and your wife can't rent a place and visit the other couples on their resort for dinner a few times. I promise you, they'll be jealous of your decision. You may actually end up spending less too.
A few sites I've used in the past are:
Vacationrentals.com
VRBO.com (http://www.vrbo.com/vacation-rentals/mexico/baja-california-sur - broken link)
Homeaway.com
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