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I am 85 years old and feel I must communicate my story before my last breath, as I have kept it secret for the most part:
At 1:00 A.M. June 24, l986, I was rushed by ambulance to the nearest ER, gasping for breath with an asthmatic attack(status asthmaticus) where I was given 3 injections of adrenalin after a series of epinephrine injections failed to restore free breathing. The adrenalin was also ineffective. I was admitted to a room with three other patients with an IV line dribbling cortisone and antibiotics into my arm. Later, it was found there were also pneumonia complications.
I was unable to rest my head on a pillow or properly sit up having to lean forward in order to struggle for the next breath. Hourly blood samples were taken to measure carbon dioxide levels which reached dangerous numbers, when the attending physician told me they were going to put me on a ventilator. I refused as I thought I would not survive that procedure and asked for nebulizer inhalation treatments every hour instead of every four. The doctor was hesitant stating less than four hours can endanger my condition further but finally agreed to every two hours. After each inhalation treatment I was able to breathe with less suffocation for about 15 minutes and doze off for perhaps 5 to 10 minutes. I couldn’t sleep beyond that for three nights and my sole focus was to be able to take my next breath. I felt as though I was being smothered with a pillow.
During those moments of sleep ( or a different state of consciousness) following the inhalation therapy, I felt myself floating as an energy mass without a physical body racing along the ceiling above the 4 beds in the room desperately attempting to identify and return to my body. This happened on three occasions with each reentry causing anxiety and pain.
Two days later despite the feeling of suffocation and lack of sleep, all chatter in my brain ceased with a feeling of acceptance and peace with no desire to be elsewhere, my full concentration on my next breath was all that mattered. There was no past or thought of the future. Although I was in extreme physical discomfort, my mind was free of any clutter, I was in a transcendental state never experienced before.
On the third day, after eating lunch I gazed at the black plastic cover on my food tray and an image of an English garden appeared in vibrant color. As I continued my gaze, the scene became animated by a panning motion and then changed into various pastoral scenes of an Englishman walking an Irish setter across a meadow, followed by other breath taking scenes of beauty (no pun intended) including young lovers in a crystal pool and a coral reef with exotic sea life.. I was so amazed that I was on the verge of inviting the three other patients to view this phenomena before checking myself. I knew this was a hallucination, but when I returned my eyes to the cover, the changing scenes persisted.
I looked at the window thinking perhaps some prismatic rays were being reflected and my mind created the images, but there was no such light being casted. I questioned my mind only to find that the sense of acuity was present more so than ever .However, as intrigued as I was, I realized that to pursue this further in my fragile physical condition might threaten my mental stability, so I shrugged it off.
When dinner was served with a brown plastic cover on my tray, my curiosity caused me to gaze at a scratch on the cover and to my surprise (and delight) an image of a man in a row boat appeared in sepia tone. While he rowed slowly, there was no movement of the boat which was surrounded with what appeared to be stalks of seaweed penetrating the water’s surface. Although there was no form of communication, I knew the man was a French seaman wearing a mariner’s cap with a black turtle neck sweater and blue jacket. I somehow also knew that he was unusually strong with penetrating eyes and a face devoid of expression. I also knew he was a peasant but couldn’t determine whether the boat was afloat on a lake or ocean. I made further attempts to revisit this phenomena without recurrence.
Two days later, the three patients in my room were released. The following day, a nurse told me I will soon have company. Within an hour, a man was rolled in on a gurney following surgery. I was shocked when I saw the man’s face. It was that of the man in the row boat. The penetrating eyes were identical although the face was more fleshy as was the outline under the covering blanket and he appeared older. The next morning when my roommate’s anesthesia effects wore off, I introduced myself and it became apparent that the man wasn’t English conversant as his reply was in French. I wanted to learn more about him but could not establish communication due to the language difference. I felt frustrated in my attempts to understand the sequence of unexplainable events.
That night he was visited by his daughter who appeared to be in her mid-forties. She conversed with him in French, but spoke English fluently with the attending nurse. I wanted to ask her a lot of questions, but didn’t know how to approach her. If I mentioned my hallucinatory experience she might understandably think I was kooky, If I questioned her she, might think I was invading her family’s privacy. I was later able to solve the dilemma…
On a following visit I introduced myself to her and mentioned that two nights before her father was brought into the room I had a strange “dream” about a man who appeared to be her father and recounted the tray cover experience. To my surprise she didn’t question the dream nor give me an opening for questions. She stated her father was a seaman during WW11 and that his ship was torpedoed by a German submarine and her father and 10 others were adrift on a life raft but he was the sole survivor after 34 days when he was rescued. She stated the seaweed stalks represented shark fins which constantly surrounded the raft with his fellow seamen falling victim to them or dying of starvation and dehydration. She mentioned that her father survived because he was an unusually strong man and that he was a peasant before becoming a seaman and that he now resides in Lake Ronkonkoma, NY. (perhaps this was the confusion regarding the body of water). She added that her mother was a circus acrobat and died a year before in a room two doors down the hospital corridor.
I was in the hospital for eight days. The day before my release my state of acuity and peace reverted to impatience as I anxiously awaited my leave to face my everyday concerns with livelihood and the constant chattering of a thousand monkeys in my head. But a feeling of sorrow was also present as I realized I will probably never again experience the keenness and unburdened state of being.
Conclusion:
After my hospital stay, I did a lot of reading on near death experiences and like phenomena. I also attended a seminar on NDE held by Kenneth Ring, Phd, known for the many books he has authored and research on the subject. He stated although I did not experience death with revival, my out of body events along with the “hallucinatory” visions definitely were in the category of NDE, but he could not comment on my precognitive experience.
When I was in my early teens I became intrigued with psychic phenomena and my reading on the subject familiarized me with the research and investigations of the New York and British Societies of Psychic Research which tempered my interest after reading of the common practice of deliberate and unconscious manipulation in spiritual proceedings. I became more objective and pragmatic in my outlook. I mention this because I am not prone to be carried away with first impressions but choose to carefully examine with all the objectivity I can muster.
Imagine if you will the struggle to breathe when being suffocated with a pillow and the relief experienced when the pillow is removed, This is what I experienced for three consecutive days with only momentary periods of relief starting on the second day following inhalation therapy every two hours. The anxiety and panic which may be expected was lacking, I believe because of an inner realization that to give in to panic would immediately lead to my death. My sole concentration was the attainment of my next breath which excluded all thoughts of the past and future and everyday cares. Although I am not a practitioner of yoga, I believe this intensive focus on breath for three days resulted in a state of consciousness which some yogis attain only after long periods of deep breath meditation.
I also believe that the food tray cover hallucinations were induced by the lack of sufficient oxygen flowing into my brain. My theory is that in the dying process, the fading ability to breathe, depriving the needed oxygen to the brain, can shutout or ignore pain and allow other worldliness to enter much like the sleeping process numbs our physical being leading to rem periods. As dreams usually stem from our individual preoccupations,manifesting often symbolically, so may the NDE present itself religiously or in some other context. In my case it was a succession of beautiful scenes which symbolically represented vitality and peacefulness which was quite the opposite of what I was experiencing physically and an omen that my life was to continue on the physical plane.
As to my precognitive experience, I find I can’t conjecture, other than it followed my hallucinatory episode and that the state of consciousness led to a realm beyond our comprehension.
No doubt! I enjoyed that. Fortunately, people often live to over 100 and you should have many more happy hallucinations in your future. Please share them. What a unique story.
ESFP, with the exception of a few precognitive dreams around the time of my written episode, I have not experienced any hallucinations nor a recurrence of the state of consciousness cited. Unlike some individuals whom have survived a NDE, my life afterward had not dramatically changed, perhaps because this, puristically speaking, may not be considered a NDE since there was no actual death experienced. I guess this may properly be categorized as a"NEAR" NDE .(LOL)
The event did result in my conversion from an atheist to an agnostic leaving me with no fear of death or an after life of damnation, but a fear of a "prolonged" state of dying with pain and gasping for breath.
You write quite well.I could easily visualise the whole story. I was thinking that you probably repress your natural ability and somewhere it lives in you. You did check out the psychic things in the past. I bet you do alot while you are sleeping and it became more obvious during your concious state during your recent circumstances. The fact that it produced anxiety shows you would like to repress it. I suggest you start keeping a dream journal. Then tell yourself it is a good thing to have these experiences and you would like to remember them. Do it for fun. Then write about it. Who knows why you would see these things, when you ask why it becomes problematic. But if you look at it as creative inspiration it might come to surface more readily when you are relaxing. Cuz it sounds like you enjoyed it.I enjoyed reading about it!
Thanks for your very insightful response and suggestions. Your statement "I was thinking that you probably repress your natural ability and somewhere it lives in you." pretty much explains a conflict I have endured most of my adult life; your perception borders on being uncanny!
I have done a lot of dream work in the past, experimenting with lucent dreams and participating in and leading dream groups under the tutelage of the late Dr. Montague Ullman, a pioneer in the field. Unfortunately, as a result of a stroke eleven years ago, I have become housebound with extreme vertigo and a myriad of other ill effects that make simple living a chore and have squelched my creative efforts and energy.
Your suggestions are sound and reflect your sensitivity and objectivity on this subject.
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