Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
How long are you going to be strung along by your boyfriend? Or don’t people get married there anymore? After 10 years, it’s time to fish, or cut bait.
Here is what I’d do if I were you....I’d tell my boyfriend it’s time to get married. Then I’d tell him, if he wants to live in the country, that would be lovely, but he will have to support us until I can find a job there.
You love him, he loves you. You hate your job and he is capable of supporting you both until you get situated in a new place.
How long are you going to be strung along by your boyfriend? Or don’t people get married there anymore? After 10 years, it’s time to fish, or cut bait.
Here is what I’d do if I were you....I’d tell my boyfriend it’s time to get married. Then I’d tell him, if he wants to live in the country, that would be lovely, but he will have to support us until I can find a job there.
You love him, he loves you. You hate your job and he is capable of supporting you both until you get situated in a new place.
What’s so hard?
And don't spend your inheritance! Get married because at least that gives you some rights if things go downhill. TALK to your boyfriend. See if he agrees that you should quit your job, take a break and move to the countryside with him after getting married.
And don't spend your inheritance! Get married because at least that gives you some rights if things go downhill. TALK to your boyfriend. See if he agrees that you should quit your job, take a break and move to the countryside with him after getting married.
This is such a sad discussion.
1) I'm very much like your neighbor. I don't work, spend a lot of time in the garden and I talk to everyone.
2) Your neighbor isn't causing your boyfriend any stress. It's how he approaches it which causes the stress. He had some choices (a) he could have talked to her, (b) kept his windows shut, (c) use white noise machine to block outside noises, (d) moved his desk. These are responsible responses.
3) Nasty remarks and playing music is remarkably passive-aggressive. His immature response is the problem here.
4). I'm sure his playing music is not only affecting this "problem" neighbor, but other neighbors as well.
5). You have a low paid (just above minimum wage) job working in a hospital. What do you do? Are you in administration or maintenance?
6). It would seem to me, if you like working in a hospital, why not stay there? Train to be a nurse, physical therapist, phlebotomists, X-ray technician, etc.
7). He is "waiting on you to sort out your job situation so that we are able to think about things like: - moving out of London, buying a house, considering starting a family." Literally, wtf? Really?
8). I left sales and worked for a nonprofit. I made half the pay of my sales job - just above minimum wage. My future husband never said let's not get married, buy a house or start a family because I made less money than he. It's so weird for your boyfriend to make that equation.
9). I was never able to pay for half of our expenses. It was never his money or my money - it was in all one bucket. Why can't your boyfriend be proud of you as you are? What about your sense of humor, your cooking skills or your warmth as a person? Do he value any part of you that is not connected to money?
10) Your "boyfriend has been holding on for our dream on for so long and I haven't tried hard enough." Again wtf? You work full-time, commute and probably do most of the cleaning at home too. Nine years of working at hospital isn't nothing and you should be proud of it. I could never work in a hospital - I can't handle blood. After covid, I am too paranoid about germs. Be proud of yourself.
11) Your boyfriend is nasty and passive-aggressive with the neighbor and with you.
12). It's your boyfriend's dream to move to the country - your dream of independence or financial stability is secondary to his dream. He wants to move and yet, he is verbal abusive about your low pay. He can't have it both ways.
13). How much nastier will he get when you are stuck in the country? If his body language is changing, you are headed towards a breakup. If he get his hands on your inheritance to fund his dream (not yours) you'll be in big trouble.
14). REPEAT - do not spend your inheritance.
14). You don't deserve a house, you deserve to be treated with respect and valued for yourself.
Last edited by YorktownGal; 05-14-2022 at 03:31 PM..
1) I'm very much like your neighbor. I don't work, spend a lot of time in the garden and I talk to everyone.
2) Your neighbor isn't causing your boyfriend any stress. It's how he approaches it which causes the stress. He had some choices (a) he could have talked to her, (b) kept his windows shut, (c) use white noise machine to block outside noises, (d) moved his desk. These are responsible responses.
3) Nasty remarks and playing music is remarkably passive-aggressive. His immature response is the problem here.
4). I'm sure his playing music is not only affecting this "problem" neighbor, but other neighbors as well.
5). You have a low paid (just above minimum wage) job working in a hospital. What do you do? Are you in administration or maintenance?
6). It would seem to me, if you like working in a hospital, why not stay there? Train to be a nurse, physical therapist, phlebotomists, X-ray technician, etc.
7). He is "waiting on you to sort out your job situation so that we are able to think about things like: - moving out of London, buying a house, considering starting a family." Literally, wtf? Really?
8). I left sales and worked for a nonprofit. I made half the pay of my sales job - just above minimum wage. My future husband never said let's not get married, buy a house or start a family because I made less money than he. It's so weird for your boyfriend to make that equation.
9). I was never able to pay for half of our expenses. It was never his money or my money - it was in all one bucket. Why can't your boyfriend be proud of you as you are? What about your sense of humor, your cooking skills or your warmth as a person? Do he value any part of you that is not connected to money?
10) Your "boyfriend has been holding on for our dream on for so long and I haven't tried hard enough." Again wtf? You work full-time, commute and probably do most of the cleaning at home too. Nine years of working at hospital isn't nothing and you should be proud of it. I could never work in a hospital - I can't handle blood. After covid, I am too paranoid about germs. Be proud of yourself.
11) Your boyfriend is nasty and passive-aggressive with the neighbor and with you.
12). It's your boyfriend's dream to move to the country - your dream of independence or financial stability is secondary to his dream. He wants to move and yet, he is verbal abusive about your low pay. He can't have it both ways.
13). How much nastier will he get when you are stuck in the country? If his body language is changing, you are headed towards a breakup. If he get his hands on your inheritance to fund his dream (not yours) you'll be in big trouble.
14). REPEAT - do not spend your inheritance.
14). You don't deserve a house, you deserve to be treated with respect and valued for yourself.
Hi YorktownGal,
Thanks for your reply, I found it Very helpful.
Please see my answers to some of your questions.
6). I work in hospital administration, in medical records. I wouldn't be opposed to working in a different area of the hospital, but I don't know how easy that would be, especially without a university degree.
7). Really! That's why everything has been on hold for 8 years and counting. I desperately want to have a family after been with my boyfriend for so many years. It really seems cruel. My boyfriend has threatened to leave me before and has said that he has been waiting for me to find a better job for years and won't wait for me forever. Once, When we were talking about options for what to do when our rental contract expires, he told me that he'll give me another year to sort my situation out. I've been at the hospital for 3 years, not 9. I put some time and energy into learning about software testing and studying for an exam, but I ended up convincing myself that I wasn't going to get anywhere and stopping. My boyfriend was encouraging me the whole time and he must be very dissapointed, as am I. My current salary wouldn't even cover our rent on its own.
10). Yes, I do take on an awful lot with my commute, grocery shopping, cleaning etc. My job is also very intense, full-on and demanding and I never get to take any breaks.
Now, I suppose we are thinking of moving out of London and buying a house or apartment, based on my boyfriends salary and my inheritance as I will be quitting my job and taking some time to figure out what career I want to do. I do feel scared about things not working out.
Last edited by Janejessy; 06-07-2022 at 11:49 AM..
I have not read all of the responses in this thread Janejessy, but my heart goes out to you. I can only suggest a few things to you.
If your boyfriend can work remotely, and if he can support you both until you can reinvent your work life, then I suggest you both sit down and figure out which town you want to move to, and then start looking for a modest rental in that town and move there. There should be some job counsellors and programmes almost anywhere you go except in the true hinterlands.
I think you should also get married. You have to pull together like a team of horses and support one another and work in tandem to reach your goals. It sounds like you need to work toward a degree in something. You probably qualify for some sort of student loans and student aid. You have to inquire about that. Speak to a counsellor who can help you figure it out.
I do not recommend you get pregnant no matter what. You both have to figure out the education/job situation first before you think about buying a home and having children. Please reach out to counsellors at universities and trade schools near you. I think a degree in something is worth the time and effort to get it, but you will need his support whilst you are doing this. Maybe this is what he wanted you to do these last 9 years and is cross because you have not investigated what is available. Start visiting with counsellors now. They can help you figure out what you would be interested in doing and how long it will take to become qualified, e.g. a bachelor's degree could be completed in as little as three years if all you do is go to school and finish your course work so you can graduate. Once you do, the school usually will have an office to help you in gaining a job.
You may not be married yet, but after this many years together, you are living like husband and wife, and I thik it would be an excellent idea if you both went to couples's counselling. Please look into this. You need help. Reach out. Do not be afraid. If you love one another and want a lifelong commitment, then start by taking the steps I have suggested.
It sounds like he has had more social and economic advantages than you have had. You need not be ashamed of that. Please try to stay positive; contact some schools and speak with their counsellors; and, both of you seek out a couples's therapist. Those are all positive things you can do to grow your life together. You reach your destination one step at a time. It is a long journey, but you can get there. Do not let the long journey ahead of you frighten you so much that you do not act. Every little step you take forward will help to relieve the anxiety and fear. You are going to be okay. You just need to start taking some positive steps in the direction of your goals.
6). I work in hospital administration, in medical records. I wouldn't be opposed to working in a different area of the hospital, but I don't know how easy that would be, especially without a university degree.
7). Really! That's why everything has been on hold for 8 years and counting. I desperately want to have a family after been with my boyfriend for so many years. It really seems cruel. My boyfriend has threatened to leave me before and has said that he has been waiting for me to find a better job for years and won't wait for me forever. Once, When we were talking about options for what to do when our rental contract expires, he told me that he'll give me another year to sort my situation out. I've been at the hospital for 3 years, not 9. I put some time and energy into learning about software testing and studying for an exam, but I ended up convincing myself that I wasn't going to get anywhere and stopping. My boyfriend was encouraging me the whole time and he must be very dissapointed, as am I. My current salary wouldn't even cover our rent on its own.
10). Yes, I do take on an awful lot with my commute, grocery shopping, cleaning etc. My job is also very intense, full-on and demanding and I never get to take any breaks.
Now, I suppose we are thinking of moving out of London and buying a house or apartment, based on my boyfriends salary and my inheritance as I will be quitting my job and taking some time to figure out what career I want to do. I do feel scared about things not working out.
This is just my two pence, take it or leave it.
Seriously reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. IMMEDIATELY. Ten years living together, no marriage proposal, threatening to leave you, maybe you’ll have kids maybe you won’t. On top of that, he blames YOU for not having your act together. How did you even get to such a place where after 10 years he has a great high paying job and you have a crappy low paying one? Did you neglect your education? This sounds like a JoJo Moyes novel.
Additionally, he wants to use YOUR inheritance to help buy property.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
My advice is:
Leave your boyfriend. If he hasn’t put a ring on you by now, why not? What is going to change? He has shown you how little he values you for almost a decade.
Put aside half of your inheritance money into savings. Use the other half to get an education so that you can have a real career, such as nursing.
Find a man who wants the same things you want and who will value you instead of demeaning you.
You deserve better than what you have settled for.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 06-07-2022 at 01:59 PM..
How long are you going to be strung along by your boyfriend? Or don’t people get married there anymore? After 10 years, it’s time to fish, or cut bait.
Here is what I’d do if I were you....I’d tell my boyfriend it’s time to get married. Then I’d tell him, if he wants to live in the country, that would be lovely, but he will have to support us until I can find a job there.
You love him, he loves you. You hate your job and he is capable of supporting you both until you get situated in a new place.
What’s so hard?
He said that he will support me if we move. I would be taking a few months off for myself.
Last edited by Janejessy; 06-14-2022 at 07:43 AM..
And don't spend your inheritance! Get married because at least that gives you some rights if things go downhill. TALK to your boyfriend. See if he agrees that you should quit your job, take a break and move to the countryside with him after getting married.
He wants me to quit my job. I've suggested to him that I keep my current job and we buy somwhere where we are currently living. But he has told me that he doesn't think its worth me keeping it. I want to do better too, but how can I when I don't know what I want to do. I've got such anxiety about making the wrong decision and I feel like it's my last chance to have a future. It's too much pressure on me. People pick up on my anxiety and avoid me I can tell I also want to have a chance to have a family soon, but maybe I don't deserve that since I have a just above minimum job with no prospects. We have been waiting for 10 years!!! I don't know what I'm doing in a hospital without a degree!!!
I'd also have access to London too for future career plans for me. I'd be able contribute to the expenses of owning a flat/house each month.
THIS Seems like the most sensible idea to me.but my boyfriend is so set on the idea of moving out of London and to the countryside. He doesn't want to stay here anymore and wants a change and to get away from the neighbour I understand but it's going to make things unstable. He said that property prices are too unaffordable here. He wants a house, garden and garage. He told me that he told his friend that his future plans are buying a house and raising a family.
I really like the area we live in, there are a lot of things I though we both like too, but my boyfriend is tired of it, probably because he works from home and doesn't have a change of scenery and now he wants one. I dont know
I want the same things too, I'm happy and independent here I just want a job with prospects and the chance to have a family with my boyfriend and do better for him and for us and to make him so proud. I don't want to be going into my overdraft each month.
All he talks about is the neighbour and getting away and leaving, I suppose she is the main reason for us moving
Last edited by Janejessy; 06-14-2022 at 07:45 AM..
You keep talking about your future career plans. You don't have any future career plans. You have wasted years sitting around and daydreaming about what you will do in the future, but you don't ever do it.
You want advice? Here is advice: decide on a career and get to work on the training so you can do it. Move from where you are into another rental next to whatever school you are going to attend in order to get your career training. Vocational training, I suppose would be the best option. You mentioned learning how to be a plumber and that would work
I'm sure your boyfriend would be delighted to put off his country plans for another year if that year was spend getting you trained to do a job that pays a decent wage,
Get your certificate or qualification for a job and after that you can move to a smaller village away from London.
Right now all you are is as dead weight anchor, holding your boyfriend to a life he doesn't want. Get off your bum and start that job training right now and stop moping around dreaming of all the things you might do if you ever actually did anything.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I also want to have a chance to have a family soon, but maybe I don't deserve that since I have a just above minimum job with no prospects. We have been waiting for 10 years!!! I don't know what I'm doing in a hospital without a degree!!! 
