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Have any of you run into the issue of people not visiting you (mainly potential overnight guests) because of your lifestyle? We lived in the same state as my FIL and his wife for three years, and they only came to our house twice--once because I asked if they would watch our children for a couple hours (they lived within an hour that time), and once just my FIL came because he went fishing with my husband. I fed him dinner (he was suprised at how good it was and how filling) and maybe breakfast, but I think he may have left before then.
Anyhow, my SIL (his daughter) has moved to the same state and within two months of them moving into their new house, my FIL and wife are visiting them for the weekend. My SIL lives further away then we ever did, and my FIL is closer to my husband.
I have also had a hard time getting my parents to visit us and sometimes it seems like it because we don't have TV (due to different remarks). We try very hard to buy and make food that omnivores will like and try to entertain everyone to their liking to the best of our abilities.
It is frustrating and sad to us that they can't put food and tv over visiting us and their grandchildren. And that they don't trust us to think of their interests.
This is mainly just a rant and to hear some words of fellow vegs that have been in the same predictament. However, a job may come up in the next year that would move us very close to family again. We would like to be closer to family and we believe the school system would be excellent for our children, but the timing is severely off and we would risk a lot of money in moving (because of a house bought here). Family is only one factor in the move (if available at all), but it makes me question whether we should factor it at all after looking back at how many times family actually visits us when we are close (= the same amount as when we are 1000s of miles away).
(for the record, we did visit all of our family--alot--while living closer to "home." But with a career in full speed for my husband and two busy kids, it gets harder and harder to do so.)
That's unfortunate, whatever their reason for not visiting. Have you tried discussing it with them to find out exactly what their reason is? I'm a TV-less vegan (haven't had TV for 17 years) and I'd be pretty surprised and hurt if family chose not to visit over something so silly.
Just jumping in here, I don't know, but do you ever visit them? If so, do you make them uncomfortable with your choices?
We had some friends, actually co-workers, that we drifted apart from when they "went Vegan". Not because of our judgment of their lifestyle, but the other way around. We've found vegans to be quite opiniated, and, quite frankly, got sick and tired of our every mouthful being discussed. We just drifted apart, we couldn't find any common ground.
Do watch how you come across. If you sigh, roll your eyes, act disgusted every time someone else so much as eats a french fry, well, then, expect them to avoid you.
We parted company when they screamed at me I was a murderer when we had some grilled steaks.................
BTW, I'm looking at incorporating more vegan/vegetarian meals into our diet, for health and ethical reasons. Meat is a little sickening if you think about it too much! You vegans will probably outlive me
Just jumping in here, I don't know, but do you ever visit them? If so, do you make them uncomfortable with your choices?
We had some friends, actually co-workers, that we drifted apart from when they "went Vegan". Not because of our judgment of their lifestyle, but the other way around. We've found vegans to be quite opiniated, and, quite frankly, got sick and tired of our every mouthful being discussed. We just drifted apart, we couldn't find any common ground.
Do watch how you come across. If you sigh, roll your eyes, act disgusted every time someone else so much as eats a french fry, well, then, expect them to avoid you.
We parted company when they screamed at me I was a murderer when we had some grilled steaks.................
BTW, I'm looking at incorporating more vegan/vegetarian meals into our diet, for health and ethical reasons. Meat is a little sickening if you think about it too much! You vegans will probably outlive me
As I stated before, when we lived close, we visited often--we did most of the driving and visiting, in fact, even though we had children and limited monies.
We have never rolled our eyes, made comments or what have you. It sounds like your friends were just nasty people--vegan or not. I'm kind of offended that you lumped all of us vegetarians into a "quite opinionated" lot. There are some that are, just as there are some omnivores who insist on telling vegetarians they are wrong. I think it has more to do with the personality than anything.
So, no, we have always kept our choices to ourselves. People even apologize if are out to eat and they order meat. We tell them we don't care. Because we don't. We grew up eating meat, so we are use to it being around and people eating it. We try to keep our reasons for vegetarian to ourselves, not broadcast it about and preach about it.
Perhaps it is the TV thing. I don't know. I think my FIL and his wife are just too set in their ways to think outside of their norm. Just frustrating. We are working on getting a TV (already have a DVD/VHS player) to put in the guest room. Then we can have a stock of movies and TV show collections to help alleviate the "What are we going to do without a TV?" issue.
Well, if they are comming for only the food or the tv channels then are you really miss'n anything? The whole point is the visit, not the food or the tube. Makes me mad when people miss the whole point of the VISIT, its to talk and catch up, not to get a free meal that must be to their like'n. Sorry, but I've been somewhat in your shoes and we don't miss some of those people.
Just be w/those who you have the same interests, friends can be as close, if not closer, than family... and why couldn't you consider them family anyway, they might care more for you.
Quite frankly in 2010 people make choices not to have a tv in their house for whatever reason and that's fine, but most people do have a television and there's entertainment like DVD films you could watch which are entertaining as well. You don't have to have cable tv and as it stands today you can't plug in ANY tv and receive a reception. Just cause you have a t.v. doesn't mean your life has to be centered around it. If you have people over they might like to watch a dvd or game if you're entertaining that's what a lot of people do.
I don't like being called an "omnivore" and it seems to me that if you take the attitude that there are veggies and there are omnivores that might be rubbing of in your contacts with them and they may perceive you as looking down your nose at them for their food and lifestyle choices - the reason why they pick the sister in law's house over coming to visit yours. It can make some people uncomfortable to think they're visiting a home they see as the land of the tasteless food eating grass grazer people with their organic soy tofu samosas and strange "uber" healthy food choices and then to have to suffer a visit in a home that may as well be on the high prairie plains with no modern entertainment for distraction.
Have any of you run into the issue of people not visiting you (mainly potential overnight guests) because of your lifestyle? We lived in the same state as my FIL and his wife for three years, and they only came to our house twice--once because I asked if they would watch our children for a couple hours (they lived within an hour that time), and once just my FIL came because he went fishing with my husband. I fed him dinner (he was suprised at how good it was and how filling) and maybe breakfast, but I think he may have left before then.
Anyhow, my SIL (his daughter) has moved to the same state and within two months of them moving into their new house, my FIL and wife are visiting them for the weekend. My SIL lives further away then we ever did, and my FIL is closer to my husband.
I have also had a hard time getting my parents to visit us and sometimes it seems like it because we don't have TV (due to different remarks). We try very hard to buy and make food that omnivores will like and try to entertain everyone to their liking to the best of our abilities.
It is frustrating and sad to us that they can't put food and tv over visiting us and their grandchildren. And that they don't trust us to think of their interests.
This is mainly just a rant and to hear some words of fellow vegs that have been in the same predictament. However, a job may come up in the next year that would move us very close to family again. We would like to be closer to family and we believe the school system would be excellent for our children, but the timing is severely off and we would risk a lot of money in moving (because of a house bought here). Family is only one factor in the move (if available at all), but it makes me question whether we should factor it at all after looking back at how many times family actually visits us when we are close (= the same amount as when we are 1000s of miles away).
(for the record, we did visit all of our family--a lot--while living closer to "home." But with a career in full speed for my husband and two busy kids, it gets harder and harder to do so.)
Fortunately, none of my friends/family have ever had an issue with me being an herbivore (nor have they ever taken offense at being called an omnivore ). If anything, I worry about imposing upon them when I visit, but they've always been very understanding and always prepare at least one vegetarian dish at every meal.
I suppose you could install a TV, but I assume there's a reason that you don't have one. (And, yes, there are many people who choose not to have an "idiot box" in their homes.) Even if you do put one in, the DVD selection may not be what the in-laws want to watch, so that really doesn't solve anything.
It does sound like a frustrating situation, and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you .....
Thanks for everyones thoughts. I tried posting last night, but it didn't go through. Maybe that is a good thing because I was cranky.
I don't call anyone omnivore in real life, just on this specific forum because it is an easy way to describe different individuals when needed. I don't roll my eyes, sigh, make rude comments, (actually make no comments at all over the food beyond "this is good" or answering a direction question about if I can eat something), or any of that other bad behavior. And yes, I know that we do not do it at all, not even unintentially. I find that people who are rude and outspoken do so because it is a personality trait--whether vegetarian or not. Believe me, everyone who is a vegetarian has probably met the non-vegetarian equivalant of this type of person. Anyhow, neither my husband or I act like this--we are firmly in the "live and let live" camp.
We have never even discussed our reasons for being vegetarian with them. We don't discuss with anyone unless asked and usually we give our "quick", make-everyone-happy, answer. We try to be accommodating when we visit.
And yes, we would visit often when we lived in the area. We made a special trip home--an expensive trip home--just to see them this summer.
I work extremely hard on picking out meals when cooking for non-vegetarians. I ask if there is anything they absolutely do not like. I tend to pick out meals that are heavier on grains and cheese/eggs because it is more filling. I pick out recipes that seem normal--like homemade ravioli (I usually rely heavily on Italian, Mexican, and Greek recipes because people are use to eating dishes from those backgrounds without meat). If I have entertained them before, I ask if there is something that they liked before that I can make for them. I ask what they usually eat for breakfast and lunch. I even clear out our house (or hide well) of all alcohol when my MIL visits because she is recovering. And until this move, we always took visitors out to eat at least once so that they had a chance to eat meat. (We now live an hour away from a restuarant--but I'm not complaining about people visiting us in our current location b/c it has multiple issues that we are well aware of.)
Unfortunately, I think it is just a case of them being too stuck in their ways and beliefs. I think they think that we mainly eat salads (and plain iceberg salads at that) and raw veggies or "side dishes". However, typing this thread has helped me think more about the situation. This is what I have decided might have gone wrong on our end/what we can change:
1. Did we ever formally invite them over for a specific date? We invited them over multiple times, as in "You should come over." "It would be nice to get together when you are in town." etc. Perhaps they need a "Could you come over on October 25th so we can celebrate everyone's birthday?" or "We would love to have you over this summer--what weekend would work best for you?"
2. I need to discuss our food choices more with them when the opportunity arises. Offering to make food at their place (actually, I think I have taken this road before and was shut out, but offering a specific meal, like cheese lasagna, might work out better), comparing food we eat there with food I have made at home (i.e. "This pizza is great, it reminds me of this one recipe I make alot...").
The TV issue is ridiculous in my mind because we have two young, active grandsons for them to be with, as well as sight seeing and such. We always have a long list of things to choose from and when my parents do visit, there isn't any time for tv watching. Downtime is spent talking and catching up and playing games. Oh well, as I said, I'm trying to make the guest room more comfortable and adding a TV may add to that comfortableness for others.
Ah, crazy, I'm sorry. But in answer to your first question, no I haven't had people not visit because of my not eating meat (yeah, I know, way too many negatives!!!). Frankly, if that's the reason used to not visit, they be full of baloney.
It's an extremely minor thing, one's diet. Only the most shallow people would consider it a reason to not visit family. But it's clearly a big deal to some people.
I'm thinking it's more likely the tv issue, too. Some people do get nervous when they have to be intimate with others, even children. It's much easier to be superficial, and have an excuse to not engage with other human beings.
CCM is right, sometimes friends are more family to us than the real thing. The whole point of getting together is to visit and share each others' lives - not to be 'entertained' by watching movies or tv.
More importantly, it's your in-laws who are missing out on sharing in their grand kids' lives, not the other way around. I think they will ultimately regret it.
I wouldn't consider moving nearer to your relatives a primary factor in making the move; things are not likely to change anytime soon. JMHO, though.
EDIT: Wow, you really are going out of your way to make them comfortable. You're a sweetie!
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). If anything, I worry about imposing upon them when I visit, but they've always been very understanding and always prepare at least one vegetarian dish at every meal.
