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I don't see this on the new wife at all; the girl is obviously a spoiled little assclown and that is her mom & dad's fault, therefore both should pay, not just the dad. The ex is the one who doesn't want to pay for anything. I don't think that's fair.
Yes! Thank you!
FWIW, last night DH talked to his DD about what HE (not me) is comfortable contributing toward the wedding, DD said she thought her mom would be good with that number as well. So DH told DD to talk to her mom and type up a Word document for them to sign, detailing how much each one is to pay, and that the remainder would come from the investment account. He told me this after his conversation with DD and I was totally fine with that.
DD then called back all upset because her mom said "she was signing her name to anything regarding this wedding".
That tells you everything you need to know. Who is the one being petty?
And the reason she isn't willing to sign is b/c she's always pulled this stubborn stuff and said no to everything, and DD has then cried to her dad and played on his pity/guilt/whatever and gotten her way. She's happy b/c she gets what she wants and the ex is happy because she doesn't have to pay. This has been the MO for years.
FWIW, last night DH talked to his DD about what HE (not me) is comfortable contributing toward the wedding, DD said she thought her mom would be good with that number as well. So DH told DD to talk to her mom and type up a Word document for them to sign, detailing how much each one is to pay, and that the remainder would come from the investment account. He told me this after his conversation with DD and I was totally fine with that.
DD then called back all upset because her mom said "she was signing her name to anything regarding this wedding".
That tells you everything you need to know. Who is the one being petty?
And the reason she isn't willing to sign is b/c she's always pulled this stubborn stuff and said no to everything, and DD has then cried to her dad and played on his pity/guilt/whatever and gotten her way. She's happy b/c she gets what she wants and the ex is happy because she doesn't have to pay. This has been the MO for years.
Now let's see what happens.....
You are still being petty...
Just because her mom is being a ***** does not give you the right to not contribute anything to her wedding. Have her scale back her expectations, and budget. If the daughter wont, then you have a legitimate gripe... but just because his ex-wife is being a ***** does not let you get off scot free
Just because her mom is being a ***** does not give you the right to not contribute anything to her wedding. Have her scale back her expectations, and budget. If the daughter wont, then you have a legitimate gripe... but just because his ex-wife is being a ***** does not let you get off scot free
You are being a snippy little brat too I think
Where have I EVER said I wasn't willing to contribute anything to the wedding? I haven't. In my last post, I said "I WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH" the amount that DH agreed to.
And DH HAS asked her to scale back the budget and expectations, and so far it's gone the other direction. It started out in the $10k range, then $12, then $18 and as of last night she was talking $19k.
Where have I EVER said I wasn't willing to contribute anything to the wedding? I haven't. In my last post, I said "I WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH" the amount that DH agreed to.
And DH HAS asked her to scale back the budget and expectations, and so far it's gone the other direction. It started out in the $10k range, then $12, then $18 and as of last night she was talking $19k.
I can't grasp the concept of how a couple or one of the party (bride or groom) would insist to have a wedding that they can't afford, then expect other people (but themselves) to pay for it (full or partial). I don't know, if I was the DH, I'd be more worried that the DW can't seem to understand what a budget is and sticking to it. It gives a hint of where their financial situation as a married couple may be heading in the future.
Just because her mom is being a ***** does not give you the right to not contribute anything to her wedding. Have her scale back her expectations, and budget. If the daughter wont, then you have a legitimate gripe... but just because his ex-wife is being a ***** does not let you get off scot free
You are being a snippy little brat too I think
Dude -- that is exactly what she is saying! They are willing to contribute a set amount (and it's not nothing! 12K is still ENOUGH to have a mighty fine wedding in most parts of the country)
They are saying they feel comfortable with X amount, but not the whole thing which is what the mother and daughter duo expect. There was never a scenario where the girl was getting NOTHING.
Honestly, the girl's demands and expectations and the fact that it has gone from 10K-19K show she is probably in it for a wedding, but not in it for a marriage.
Dude -- that is exactly what she is saying! They are willing to contribute a set amount (and it's not nothing! 12K is still ENOUGH to have a mighty fine wedding in most parts of the country)
They are saying they feel comfortable with X amount, but not the whole thing which is what the mother and daughter duo expect. There was never a scenario where the girl was getting NOTHING.
Honestly, the girl's demands and expectations and the fact that it has gone from 10K-19K show she is probably in it for a wedding, but not in it for a marriage.
I think that is a very insightful comment. The more that I am thinking about it the more that it seems that DD/D step-D IS more concerned about the wedding than the marriage. When I was married, close to 40 years ago, I was just out of college for two years and my fiance was still in graduate school. We scrimped and saved and saved and spend (I believe) $1,500 on the entire wedding, including food for almost 100 people, the rehearsal dinner, for 20 people, and our one weekend honeymoon in a nearby city (including theater tickets and a meal at a nice restaurant).
Could we afford a full meal? Heck no, but the guests did not complain about the sandwiches and potato salad that was served after the wedding.
Could we afford an open bar? Heck no, but our guests enjoyed the free soda and beer at the reception.
Could we afford a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant? Heck no, but our wedding party & close relatives enjoyed the frozen pizzas that we baked and served at my fiances college apartment.
I think that one of the differences between the attitude of this bride to be and me and my hubby is that we looked at the wedding as just one day in our lives. Yes, a very important day, but just one day. And, we paid for it completely by ourselves.
OP, has your husband discussed any post wedding plans with his daughter? Such as if they have thought about how they will be paying for their moving expenses to the new city after the wedding or about how they are going to support themselves after the wedding?
What is getting lost in all of the bickering is the fact no one is responsible for paying for anyone else's wedding! including parents. It is a gift.
Here, the Dad is offering to contribute, a very nice thing to do. Mother can contribute whatever she chooses and if that is nothing, FINE. Mother has the right to be a non-contributor. Mother does not have to match funds if she doesn't choose to do so.
Daughter has generously been offered an amount by Dad, she should be grateful and shut her mouth. She is always welcome to provide additional funds.
I think you guys are being too hard on the daughter. My parents paid for my college and paid for my wedding 2 years later. I did work all through college, and paid some of my expenses (apparently unlike this girl). I did not continue to expect anything from my parents after I graduated and was married. I don't see anything to indicate that this girl will continue to ask for hand-outs after she's graduated and employed.
From the beginning of this thread, I've felt like the OP's either poor planning or selfishness about her new house was the problem. In the very first post she said they do not have the money because of the new house. If that is truly the case, then they can't afford the house. Pretend this wasn't a wedding, but a medical emergency, or something. Would they not have the money? If not, they spent too much on their house.
No, they don't owe the daughter a big wedding, but it is disingenuous to say they can't afford it. That's different than it not being a priority for this step mom. She'd rather deck out the new house.
Kibbiekat, they can probably afford it, but if they are anything at all like me, if my bank account hits $X - I will consider myself broke. I won't go further than what I feel I need for emergencies. This is probably taken into account when giving the daughter a GIFT.
It is very nice that your parents paid for your college and then paid for your wedding. They didn't have to do any of that. In this scenario, giving $12000 is more than enough to use to plan a nice wedding. It may not be the full elaborate affair she wants, but it can be stretched out for a really nice wedding. You don't need to give a full meal if you can't afford it (I've been to a few lovely weddings where the reception was punch and cake) and there are venues for all types of budgets.
I wouldn't compare a wedding to emergency medical expenses. One is a want, the other is a need. You will always find a way to do what you need to do, but they're already giving a good amount to her wedding and the girl is absolutely throwing a fit that she is not getting more than that. I am sure if this girl was having a medical emergency and needed 18K this wouldn't be a thread. But it's a wedding!
I don't think the daughter will ask for expenses after she is married, but it happens even when people who have a well paying job out of college (ie my registered nurse cousin had her dad buy a house not because she needed him to but because he *would*), but that if I was planning for a while to make a huge purchase (ie building a home) and one child out of five's wants impacted my emergency fund I wouldn't contribute more than I felt comfortable with. End of story, no matter how many strangers think I am being a cruel mean stepmother for not letting the girl have free reign with $20K. Heck, I feel like he should offer her 10K and keep the 2K in reserve for the stuff she might forget (linens, chair rentals, etc).
They are giving the daughter enough money that she can have a wedding on, but not what she *thinks* she needs.
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