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There is one thing I've noticed planning my wedding over the past year - there is a way to have a wedding on just about any budget. If what the two of them can afford is a small back yard wedding with cake and punch, then that is what they should have! If you really want to have a marriage and not a wedding, then that should be okay! If what she really wants is a huge party that no one can afford right now... June of 2017 could give them more time to pay for the party she wants? Nothing wrong with wanting that party, but I was engaged for about a year and a half to afford the things I wanted! And this is at 27-29 where I have my career well-established!
I am getting married.... shoot, in five weeks now! I was given the venue as a gift from my brother who is a vendor for the place, the rehearsal dinner from my fiance's parents, and $500 from my parents. I paid for my dress, the cake (well, the donuts!), the decor, the photographer, the DJ, and for food from a local BBQ restaurant. I would say we did most things quite frugally and still spent about $3K on our own not counting the help from our family.
Sounds like the OP and her husband had budgeted for their new home plus college tuition, but have no wedding budget because they didn't think they'd be paying for one this soon.
Plenty of people get married on minimal budgets. No parent is obligated to provide a dime toward a wedding.
Exactly. We knew the day would come, just not expecting it NOW.
Yes, we have budgeted for the 2 kids in college (which are his from first marriage). We also have 3 more children at home, ages 2, 12 & 13. Our previous house was my husband's "bachelor pad" house that he bought after getting divorced and we've made do with it for as long as I could stand. We timed the building of our new home to coincide (roughly) with when he's no longer paying child support. We'll move into our home this fall, and he will be done with child support in February, actually. I was wrong....he doesn't have to pay until both kids are done with college (thank God)...only until the youngest turns 19, which is the age of majority in our state. The splitting of college expenses is per the divorce decree, and that's fine. I totally understand. OUR plan was that after we move into the house, get settled, and his child support obligation was over, we would start saving that amount each month for whatever came next....wedding, vacations, cars that the 12 & 13 yr old will need before too long, etc. It's the TIMING of this whole wedding event that has thrown a monkey wrench into everything, which is why the title of post is in regards to bride setting the wedding date.
In some GOOD news.....step-daughter just landed an internship for the summer! That will do a few things: (1) give her some real-world experience; (2) give her a chance to earn some money for the wedding, and (3) delay her graduation, since she won't be able to take classes this summer, which will in turn delay the wedding......giving everyone more TIME!!!
Exactly. We knew the day would come, just not expecting it NOW.
Yes, we have budgeted for the 2 kids in college (which are his from first marriage). We also have 3 more children at home, ages 2, 12 & 13. Our previous house was my husband's "bachelor pad" house that he bought after getting divorced and we've made do with it for as long as I could stand. We timed the building of our new home to coincide (roughly) with when he's no longer paying child support. We'll move into our home this fall, and he will be done with child support in February, actually. I was wrong....he doesn't have to pay until both kids are done with college (thank God)...only until the youngest turns 19, which is the age of majority in our state. The splitting of college expenses is per the divorce decree, and that's fine. I totally understand. OUR plan was that after we move into the house, get settled, and his child support obligation was over, we would start saving that amount each month for whatever came next....wedding, vacations, cars that the 12 & 13 yr old will need before too long, etc. It's the TIMING of this whole wedding event that has thrown a monkey wrench into everything, which is why the title of post is in regards to bride setting the wedding date.
In some GOOD news.....step-daughter just landed an internship for the summer! That will do a few things: (1) give her some real-world experience; (2) give her a chance to earn some money for the wedding, and (3) delay her graduation, since she won't be able to take classes this summer, which will in turn delay the wedding......giving everyone more TIME!!!
I am glad to hear the good news.
BTW, having some real world experience may help in more ways than just with future job hunting.
On one of my past jobs, I remember one future bride who had just graduated from college. She was so naive about money and living on your own it was absolutely comic. Her parents had paid 100% of her expenses during college and she moved back home to live with them the year before she got married. Her future husband was in the same situation. She was constantly asking questions about money and other "life issues" of the other slightly older married women and we really opened her eyes about a lot of things. Since she had lived in a dorm with a meal plan, and her parents did everything for her during summers and after graduation, during her first year on the job, she knew nothing about running a household.
She was 22 and college graduate and had never even gone grocery shopping (except for buying snacks for college parties) or learned to cook or clean or make & use a budget. We strongly suggested that she learn some of those skills (especially money management) before she got married and she took our suggestions to heart. She ended up really working on learning more skills before she moved out of her parent's house and she encouraged her future husband (also living at home with his parents) to do the same thing. She really thanked her coworkers for their advice. The last I heard they had celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary and all six of their children were in college or college graduates.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-11-2015 at 11:53 AM..
Yeah, well...she's a full-time student and will be this summer, fall & spring in order to graduate in time to have "the June wedding of her dreams", as she put it. She was planning to graduate next August, but once the proposal came, she worked out a way to get through in May so she can be a June bride. And she's never had a job in her life, aside from random baby-sitting.
I totally agree...she needs to get out on her own for a while and see what being an adult & paying bills is all about before setting a date for a wedding that she's expecting other people to 100% pay for.
She's going to have a big reality check, and she isn't going to like it b/c she's never been told No much at all.
Wow You are in a very difficult situation. No matter how it comes out, you'll get to be the mean step mom it sounds like a loose, loose situation on your part.
How is your relationship with her mom? Is there any way to have a heart to heart with her...?
Otherwise, is your husband totally aware of what you've outlined here re expenses?
I disagree with those that say that as a step Mom you have to stay out of it. On the contrary, since your income helps her Dad to be able to pay all those expenses that you listed...and will be part of helping to pay for this wedding, you have very right to participate in any financial discussion involving your household income imo.
You two need to sit her down right away, since she has dropped this on you both, and lay out the facts economically. Like covectech stated, She and her fiance will need to come up with a game plan....
Question...What you layed out as your household expenses seem more long term than a year...Would you be prepared to pay for a wedding in 2 years?? i think there needs to be some reality checks here...You are sort of wanting what you want when you want it too....considering you knew your hubby's financial obligations when you married him...Some of these extras might need to be spread out.
A suggestion....Perhaps when you sit her down, suggest that she get a part time job to help with expenses. In other words, try to put the ball in her court a bit financially....maybe that will wake her up. Good luck on this
I think that's where my frustration lies....I know he *should* be up front with her....tell her she's getting $x and no more. Then she can either (a) rethink her June wedding date.....postpone it so she can save and we can come up with more also; or (b) she can work with her budget and have a nice, simple wedding but not the "wedding of her dreams"
My husband doesn't want to have this talk with her because it will not be pleasant. But it's not MY place to step in and say anything, so I'm just frustrated & stewing over it. I think he's hoping she'll change her mind on her own and he wont' have to have the unpleasant discussion with her. Who knows, maybe she will. But I kinda doubt it.
Wow...it's no wonder she's a clueless, entitled, spoiled brat who will pitch a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way.
Her father needs to nut up and lay down some home truths, pronto. He and Princess Bride's bio mom made this mess.
You can hope in one hand and poop in the other and see which one fills up first. As for her downshifting her expectations: DON'T COUNT ON IT. Few brides ever downshift on their own.
Well, an update. It's damn the torpedoes, full-steam ahead! I knew it would be.
She graduates August 2016 and has set the date for Sept 10,2016.
So far, the "budget" is $18,000 and she says it can't be done for a penny less.
DH said "no way" is he paying for it all, but agreed to split it 3 ways....him/us 1/3, her mom 1/3 and Bride 1/3. Bride is Ok with this...still working on the mother. DH has told her that he isn't signing the reception contract unless he has IN WRITING that she & her mother will pay the other 2/3. Her mother has basically said the same thing. (neither wants to be left holding the bag) The reception venue needs the contract singed & deposit paid by July 29th to hold the date for them. Let's see what happens in the coming week!
$6000 isn't bad (and that's IF her mother agrees to the 1/3 deal), but yes, I'm still pissed off & bitter over it because $6,000 could be spent on some new furniture or window treatments for our new house, or send my daughters to camp next summer, or on a family vacation. But if I mentioned spending the money on any of those things, he would look at me like I was crazy and say "we can't afford it right now". But because it's HER wedding, we will miraculously be able to spare $6000. (said very sarcastically)
If she had humbly approached us and acted remotely grateful for what's being offered, I would feel a lot differently. But this entire process has been her deciding when/how/what & where, and telling her parents they'll just have to "figure it out" when it comes to paying for it.
Well, an update. It's damn the torpedoes, full-steam ahead! I knew it would be.
She graduates August 2016 and has set the date for Sept 10,2016.
So far, the "budget" is $18,000 and she says it can't be done for a penny less.
DH said "no way" is he paying for it all, but agreed to split it 3 ways....him/us 1/3, her mom 1/3 and Bride 1/3. Bride is Ok with this...still working on the mother. DH has told her that he isn't signing the reception contract unless he has IN WRITING that she & her mother will pay the other 2/3. Her mother has basically said the same thing. (neither wants to be left holding the bag) The reception venue needs the contract singed & deposit paid by July 29th to hold the date for them. Let's see what happens in the coming week!
$6000 isn't bad (and that's IF her mother agrees to the 1/3 deal), but yes, I'm still pissed off & bitter over it because $6,000 could be spent on some new furniture or window treatments for our new house, or send my daughters to camp next summer, or on a family vacation. But if I mentioned spending the money on any of those things, he would look at me like I was crazy and say "we can't afford it right now".
But because it's HER wedding, we will miraculously be able to spare $6000. (said very sarcastically)
If she had humbly approached us and acted remotely grateful for what's being offered, I would feel a lot differently. But this entire process has been her deciding when/how/what & where, and telling her parents they'll just have to "figure it out" when it comes to paying for it.
Perhaps, your husband can get a part time job to earn the $6,000 so it does not come out of the day to day needs of his new family. Perhaps the next time that he says that you do not have money for a family vacation or for new furniture you can suggest that to him. Of course I am sort of joking. But if you really don't have the money that is what he may need to do. He has a year to do it, so it is only an extra $500 a month.
My son's best friend is getting married this fall. He and his girl friend have been "a couple" since they were freshman in college fourteen years old but waited to get married before the two of them could save up every dime of the money that they needed for their wedding themselves. They have been engaged for years and just saving the money to have a "nice wedding". That is what many couples do. (Disclaimer, my husband and I also paid for our complete wedding ourselves).
My step-daughter just got engaged. She is a year away from graduating with her BS. So, she'll graduate in May 2016 and she wants to get married the next month...June.
Of course she's already nagging her dad (my husband) about what kind of budget she's going to have to work with. And the truth is....we don't have it! He's been paying for half of her college expenses, and this fall her brother will also be in college so we'll be paying for half of his expenses as well. On top of that, my husband is still paying child support (for an 18 & a 21 yr old) because he agreed to pay it until his daughter graduated college (dumb I know, but whatever).
Her mom will help her with the wedding, but I'm not expecting much when it comes to money. She's drilled into her daughter's head that it's the Father of the bride who pays for the wedding. (in a divorced couple, I say it's both parents' who split the costs but I'm not sure what etiquette says)
What do you all think? Of course our 2 yr old (bride's baby brother) will be the ring bearer next year or whenever she gets married. but I can't even get excited or happy about it because of the money aspect. Her timing simply could not be worse.
Actually it's very simple..Just tell her and her husband to be that hey..Get married..no probe..But the costs will have to be YOUR (their) problem..IF they don't have any credit rating in order to borrow to do it..Maybe a JP cerimony is in order..keep it simple type thing...
Children need to learn the parent's coffers do NOT have a bottomless pt...ENOUGH
Actually..the mere fact she EXPECTS it is what troublesome....Did no parental education occur during her upbringing?? Costs..ability to pay and responsibility to those who encure those costs??
It's a no brainer...She need s JP wedding...then down the road when THEY can afford it..have a re-dedicatios//confirmation of vows paid by their OWN $$$
I'm just SMH mainly because any child would actually have any expectation of such???
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