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And I'll tell you where the $18k came from. It came from her pricing out the church she wants, the reception venue she wants, the food she wants, the music she wants, etc, etc, adding it up and voila...$18-20k. That was the extent of the "budgeting" and it's her parents' fault for not setting the budget early on.
And she DID ask. But DH pulled his usual.....ignored the subject in hopes it would go away! And my fear is exactly what you've said....there are alllways things that creep up that blow the budget. Just like this house we've built. There's always something. So I know if she thinks it can be done for $18k, it will end up being more like 22k. If they want to pay 18k, they need to get budget down to 14 or 15.
I'm just pissed off that a 21 yr old is calling the shots with regards to this. It's been thrust upon me, due to the parents' inability to tell her know, and if I try to say "hold on here....WTF are we doing???" Then I look like the wicked stepmother. I really can't win. But maybe I can help limit the damage.
If your step-daughter asked and your husband ignored her then you should be mad at HIM not at her.
Your hubby could have said "Darling Daughter, I really think that you should wait a few years so that you can pay for the wedding yourselves. We are not giving you anything."
Or, "Daughter, I just finished paying child support and for your college. I do not have any money left over so I can not give you anything."
Or, "Daughter, while I disagree with you getting married right out of college, your step-mom and I will contribute $1,000 (or whatever). You can use it for your wedding or save it for the future."
Since he agreed to $6,000 I think that he should put it in writing, clearly stating that it will be a maximum of $6,000 and not a penny more. Otherwise I strongly suggest that the number will creep up and up and up.
And, don't be surprised if she asks for moving expenses or for her first & last months rent and security deposit for her new apartment with her new husband. If she does not have a job where will she get that money? That could easily be several more thousand dollars.
PS. Did you ask hubby about getting a part time job so that he earns the $6,000 separate from his responsibilities to his new family?
That amount would buy a good new car. I would have to put my foot down. That's your money too, right? Do you work? Is this money partly yours? Tell your husband he can give her half of that amount, that you are not funding this outrageous wedding. Her mother will probably agree with you.
Yes, I also work. He makes more, but what I make isn't too shabby. I make about 80% of what he makes.
Her mother wouldn't agree with me if I said the sky was blue, so no hope there.
I HAVE put my foot down. So, DH came up with another idea. He & his ex have a sizeable mutual fund in both their names that they started putting money in for their kids' college as soon as they were born. They quit contributing to it after they split up, but the account has grown & grown. So far, they've been able to totally cash-flow the daughter's college expenses without touching this account. Their son starts college this fall, and there should be more than enough in this account to pay for his college costs (or at least tuition & books). DH's idea is....since DD saved them money by getting a partial scholarship & they didn't have to dip into that college fund for her, why don't they take money out of it to pay for all or part of the wedding. Hey, that's fine with me! But the mother doesn't want to use that money to pay for all of the wedding. Why?? Because she wants my DH to have to pay something. She suggested they take out $12k to go toward wedding and he pay the other $6k, since he agreed to pay 1/3. But that means her mom isn't paying anything out of pocket! So, he said no to that, but he would split the $6k with her mother and each of them pay $3000. So far, no word on what she says about that (this all happened last night).
Basically, you have a bitter ex-wife who likes to punish my DH through money. HE divorced HER. Not because either of them was having an affair or there was any abuse. He just couldn't live with her anymore. So, she drug the divorce out over 5 YEARS b/c she didn't want it, and the only way he was able to get her to sign the papers was to give her everything. House, kids, savings, everything. All he left with was his job, his 401k, his clothes & his car. He had to start over & rebuild from scratch. So this is how she continues to "punish" him....by making him pay, one way or another. (and FYI...I am not the reason they divorced...I didn't even meet him until about 5 years after they were divorced)
The situation is such that he can't even talk to his ex face-to-face or one-on-one about any of this without all hell breaking loose, and her going into this whole victim mode of "you left me, you left us, you OWE this to your kids, I shouldn't have to pay anything, blah blah blah". Thank goodness their divorce decree says they have to split college 50/50, or he would have ended up paying for all of that, too. She acts like he abandoned them and hasn't done anything for them. He moved 10 miles away, saw them all the time, paid all his child support, took them on vacations, bought both of them cars, pays for all the insurance/tags/maintenance on their cars, pays for their cell phones, and all kinds of other extras. I think before I was in the picture he just gave in & did it to avoid conflict. I'm the one who pointed out how much MORE he has been paying for than her, and showed him how he was getting fleeced. and btw....DH & his ex both work in the same field. they both make 6 figures. So it's not like he was the main bread-winner and she lives on a school teacher's salary or something.
My guess is if you have parents who have given you everything and made sure you had everything without having to pay for things, then I see how she thinks being given 18,000 to throw a huge party is just another Tuesday, honestly.
I don't see why they don't just take out 12K and tell her and the fiance to use that to budget. Seriously - creating and sticking to a budget was the best thing we learned while wedding planning and helped us to see a little bit more about how the other was with money. My husband is more of a "get the best, regardless of cost!" since he has grown up with parents who make great money and I am more of a "get the best value" since I grew up as the daughter of a teacher and receptionist. Even though I make good money myself and outearn my husband, I still have that frugal attitude. It was eye opening and was good for us both, because it helped him to tone down a little. It was a good environment to do it in because our finances hadn't yet been comingled.
If your step-daughter asked and your husband ignored her then you should be mad at HIM not at her.
Your hubby could have said "Darling Daughter, I really think that you should wait a few years so that you can pay for the wedding yourselves. We are not giving you anything."
Or, "Daughter, I just finished paying child support and for your college. I do not have any money left over so I can not give you anything."
Or, "Daughter, while I disagree with you getting married right out of college, your step-mom and I will contribute $1,000 (or whatever). You can use it for your wedding or save it for the future."
Since he agreed to $6,000 I think that he should put it in writing, clearly stating that it will be a maximum of $6,000 and not a penny more. Otherwise I strongly suggest that the number will creep up and up and up.
And, don't be surprised if she asks for moving expenses or for her first & last months rent and security deposit for her new apartment with her new husband. If she does not have a job where will she get that money? That could easily be several more thousand dollars.
PS. Did you ask hubby about getting a part time job so that he earns the $6,000 separate from his responsibilities to his new family?
Oh, I am mad at him! Mad at him for not having a backbone, and also mad at her for being so selfish. I wish he would have said any of the above statements. Would have been fine with me!
But, I'm not going to ask a man who makes 6 figures to get a part-time job. This isn't so much an issue of not having the money, it's a matter of doing what's fair and reasonable. It's not fair for him to pay for a big wedding when he's been paying his share and MORE for years, while his ex also makes 6 figures and has been collecting child support on top of that. WE have been saving money for the past 3 years to go toward this house, and once we close on it and a huge chunk of our savings disappears, we will be in "replenishing savings" mode, not spend $18k on a wedding mode. And I 100% believe that if we weren't married & we didn't have a son together, he would go ahead and pay for the whole thing, just to avoid strife. His ex & daughter have bossed him around for years, manipulated him with guilt, etc to get him for pay for whatever she (the daughter) wanted. Now that he's at least trying to stand up to them, he's being met with all sorts of resistance, of course. But I'm not going to let them walk all over him & continue to bleed him dry b/c now it's MY money, too and we have a son together whose future we need to be saving for also!
Aside from the money, I don't even want to BE at the wedding because of the dynamic with the ex. She won't even speak to me. On the few occasions we've been around each other, I'm tried to be pleasant and just say "hi", and she either ignores me totally or shoots daggers with her eyes. It's really not a good scene. You would think I was the other woman & DH left her for me b/c that's how she acts.
Thanks for letting me vent & ramble. I appreciate it.
My guess is if you have parents who have given you everything and made sure you had everything without having to pay for things, then I see how she thinks being given 18,000 to throw a huge party is just another Tuesday, honestly.
I know, and I agree. She's never had a job and never had to pay for anything on her own. I mean, she pays her own bills while she's off at school, but it's with money that magically gets deposited into her account every 2 weeks.
She got her first job this summer....an internship in the field she's majoring in. This is the first time she's had to earn money, have taxes taken out, and I'm sure it's been eye-opening for her. But it doesn't seem to have taken away her wedding expectations.
And the ex is such a piece of work.....she tried to convince DH that since their DD is living at home (ex's house) this summer, that he should be paying her (the ex) extra money to cover DD's living expenses! LOL... Hello??? He's still paying "child support" for this 21 yr old, and the ex thinks he should be giving her even more since she's living under her roof this summer. SMH.
Yes, I also work. He makes more, but what I make isn't too shabby. I make about 80% of what he makes.
Her mother wouldn't agree with me if I said the sky was blue, so no hope there.
I HAVE put my foot down. So, DH came up with another idea. He & his ex have a sizeable mutual fund in both their names that they started putting money in for their kids' college as soon as they were born. They quit contributing to it after they split up, but the account has grown & grown. So far, they've been able to totally cash-flow the daughter's college expenses without touching this account. Their son starts college this fall, and there should be more than enough in this account to pay for his college costs (or at least tuition & books). DH's idea is....since DD saved them money by getting a partial scholarship & they didn't have to dip into that college fund for her, why don't they take money out of it to pay for all or part of the wedding. Hey, that's fine with me! But the mother doesn't want to use that money to pay for all of the wedding. Why?? Because she wants my DH to have to pay something. She suggested they take out $12k to go toward wedding and he pay the other $6k, since he agreed to pay 1/3. But that means her mom isn't paying anything out of pocket! So, he said no to that, but he would split the $6k with her mother and each of them pay $3000. So far, no word on what she says about that (this all happened last night).
Basically, you have a bitter ex-wife who likes to punish my DH through money. HE divorced HER. Not because either of them was having an affair or there was any abuse. He just couldn't live with her anymore. So, she drug the divorce out over 5 YEARS b/c she didn't want it, and the only way he was able to get her to sign the papers was to give her everything. House, kids, savings, everything. All he left with was his job, his 401k, his clothes & his car. He had to start over & rebuild from scratch. So this is how she continues to "punish" him....by making him pay, one way or another. (and FYI...I am not the reason they divorced...I didn't even meet him until about 5 years after they were divorced)
The situation is such that he can't even talk to his ex face-to-face or one-on-one about any of this without all hell breaking loose, and her going into this whole victim mode of "you left me, you left us, you OWE this to your kids, I shouldn't have to pay anything, blah blah blah". Thank goodness their divorce decree says they have to split college 50/50, or he would have ended up paying for all of that, too. She acts like he abandoned them and hasn't done anything for them. He moved 10 miles away, saw them all the time, paid all his child support, took them on vacations, bought both of them cars, pays for all the insurance/tags/maintenance on their cars, pays for their cell phones, and all kinds of other extras. I think before I was in the picture he just gave in & did it to avoid conflict. I'm the one who pointed out how much MORE he has been paying for than her, and showed him how he was getting fleeced. and btw....DH & his ex both work in the same field. they both make 6 figures. So it's not like he was the main bread-winner and she lives on a school teacher's salary or something.
Women like her make the rest of us look bad. I'm, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think the college fund is a great idea.
Women like her make the rest of us look bad. I'm, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think the college fund is a great idea.
Thanks. You have no idea the lengths to which this woman has gone, just to be spiteful. Not just about wedding, but all sorts of things. I could write a book!
One year she wouldn't let the kids go to their grandparents' house (my DH's parents) for Thanksgiving just because I was going to be there! They had gone there for Thanksgiving every year their entire lives & spent the whole weekend. It was a tradition. They were the only grandchildren DH's parents had at that time. She said that if he came & got the kids and took them down there while I was there, she would call the police and say he had kidnapped them. And this was when he & I were engaged!!!! Not like we were just casually dating or something.
PS. Did you ask hubby about getting a part time job so that he earns the $6,000 separate from his responsibilities to his new family?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TN2HSV
Yes, I also work. He makes more, but what I make isn't too shabby. I make about 80% of what he makes.
.DH & his ex both work in the same field. they both make 6 figures.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TN2HSV
But, I'm not going to ask a man who makes 6 figures to get a part-time job. This isn't so much an issue of not having the money, it's a matter of doing what's fair and reasonable. It's not fair for him to pay for a big wedding.
WE have been saving money for the past 3 years to go toward this house, and once we close on it and a huge chunk of our savings disappears, we will be in "replenishing savings" mode, not spend $18k on a wedding mode.
Hmmm. When I suggested that hubby get a part time job I had no idea that he made a "six figure income" and that you made almost that much money. And, his ex-wife also has a "six figure income". Sheesh!
I thought that you were like most people scratching and saving for every penny. In addition to my full time job I had to get a part time job AND extra paying gigs just to afford to pay our part of the rehearsal dinner (we could only afford to pay for 1/3 of it- imagine how humiliating that was) and other expenses for our son's wedding. In fact, I could not buy my dress and shoes to wear at the wedding until one week before we left for the out of town wedding because I had to save up babysitting money (extra "gigs") to pay for them.
Yes, a 60 year old woman having to save up Friday & Saturday night babysitting money. I was worried that I would have to wear something old from out of my closet (and nothing really looked right) but I managed to earn enough to buy a nice dress (on sale for 50% off) and a pair of shoes (also on sale).
And you are quibbling about paying 1/3 of a $18,000 wedding?!? Frankly, in my neck of the woods that is NOT a "big wedding". I personally know several people whose family income is less than $50,000 who spent well over $18,000 for a wedding.
Hmmm, Dad earns over $100,000 a year and you are quibbling over spending $6,000? I was concerned that you were worried about how you were going to pay your electric bill or buy food to eat if your husband contributed that amount.
I can see where you are grumpy that your step daughter is not waiting and grumpy that your husband did not "put his foot down" but (at least to me) you really lost a lot of credibility once you explained about your financial situation. Sorry, but to me you are starting to sound like the evil step-mother who wants to deny her step-daughter a wedding so that hubby can spend ALL of his money on his new family.
I figured some people would feel like that. You think I don't want DH to spend any money on his other kids? Let me paint the picture fur you:
15% of his salary gues to his ex for child support.
In addition to that, he's bought both the kids their vehicles. The ex didn't contribute anything. He also pays for their car insurance, tags & maintenance. Ex pays $0 of this. (Just this month we paid $1200 for his kids' insurance & we'll pay it again in a few more months). He pays for their health insurance & half of the out of pocket costs. He has bought every cell phone his kids have ever had, and they are both on our mobile plan. Their share is about $120/month. Ex has never paid anything towards phones. He has bought both of their laptops for school. He gives his daughter $500/month for living expenses, and now with his son going to college he'll get the same amount, I suppose. (Are you adding all this up?). And did I mention that the ex lives in a PAID FOR house she got in the divorce? Plus she makes as much as my husband, AND gets 15% of his salary on top of that? Please dont suggest that I don't want him spending any money on his kids. My husband drives a 7 year old Nissan & I drive a Honda Accord. We don't live extravagantly!
Maybe now you see why I'm so frustrated. Ex is in a MUCH better financial position than we are, and she refuses to pay for any of the "extras", including this wedding. THAT is why I have such an issue with it.
And anyone who makes $50k/yr and spends $18k is just stupid. Granted, we don't live in a big city, but $18k is a nice wedding around here, especially for the # of guests she's talking about.
I figured some people would feel like that. You think I don't want DH to spend any money on his other kids? Let me paint the picture fur you:
15% of his salary gues to his ex for child support.
In addition to that, he's bought both the kids their vehicles. The ex didn't contribute anything. He also pays for their car insurance, tags & maintenance. Ex pays $0 of this. (Just this month we paid $1200 for his kids' insurance & we'll pay it again in a few more months). He pays for their health insurance & half of the out of pocket costs. He has bought every cell phone his kids have ever had, and they are both on our mobile plan. Their share is about $120/month. Ex has never paid anything towards phones. He has bought both of their laptops for school. He gives his daughter $500/month for living expenses, and now with his son going to college he'll get the same amount, I suppose. (Are you adding all this up?). And did I mention that the ex lives in a PAID FOR house she got in the divorce? Plus she makes as much as my husband, AND gets 15% of his salary on top of that? Please dont suggest that I don't want him spending any money on his kids. My husband drives a 7 year old Nissan & I drive a Honda Accord. We don't live extravagantly!
Maybe now you see why I'm so frustrated. Ex is in a MUCH better financial position than we are, and she refuses to pay for any of the "extras", including this wedding. THAT is why I have such an issue with it.
And anyone who makes $50k/yr and spends $18k is just stupid. Granted, we don't live in a big city, but $18k is a nice wedding around here, especially for the # of guests she's talking about.
Again, the person that you should be mad at is your husband.
Every divorced couple that I know, the car insurance, the cell phone plan, the teenager's cars, the computers, etc. ALL come out of the child support payment to the custodial parent. That is what child support is supposed to cover. If your husband has been doing that for years and years he is a really being taken advantage of. I'm surprised he hasn't been sending his children extra checks so they can buy food (obviously, I am joking. Of course, food is supposed to be provided by the custodial parent).
BTW, the families that I know that earn $50,000 a year and paid for $18,000 weddings saved for a long time to pay for them (often four or five years) and/or got extra part time jobs specifically for wedding expenses and/or the wedding couple paid for a large portion of the wedding (sometimes split 1/3 bride's parents, 1/3 groom's parents and 1/3 wedding couple). In some areas and some cultures weddings are extremely important.
Also, whether or not $18,000 is enough for a "nice wedding" really depends on the number of guests and your area. There is a world of difference between paying $18,000 for a wedding for 20 people vs. for 60 people vs. for 120 people. You are right, if it is a small wedding in a low COL area then $18,000 can go a long, long way.
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And this was when he & I were engaged!!!! Not like we were just casually dating or something.
