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my parents can/should help fund some of this, but until I get a sense of what they can contribute, I think we're in limbo.
"Can" and "should" are two different things. Just because they "can" doesn't mean they "should." They have no obligation to do so no matter what they did or did not do for your siblings.
There is no tactful way to ask. They either volunteer when you tell them the news or they don't.
Have the wedding you can afford to do on your own.
You cant afford what you think you want, and theres no reason for your parents to chip in that much. Have a nice backyard wedding, have a JP do your vows, have it catered. Can probably do it for 2-3 grand. Later on, when you have the money, you can renew your vows. If you're married that long.
A modest reception with a DJ in a restaurant for about 30 people is about 3-4 K. Maybe another 0.5K for photos. With gifts you receive, this might be cut by half or more... Civil wedding ceremony is free. No need to go crazy about this, especially if you can't afford huge wedding...
I got married and planned to have the wedding further out so we could save up the money to afford some of the things we wanted to have for our guests. I was lucky that people gave me gifts (ie. my brother is a wedding vendor and gave me the venue, a driver to take us to our hotel in a sweet ride, and a day of coordinator), but I had no expectations that people can/should/would give anything to it.
My parents love my husband and my husband's parents love me. His mom ended up asking to pay for the food considering I was going to have Moe's cater, since I loooove burritos. She had something in mind that she wanted since she felt having Moe's at a wedding would embarrass her and I didn't care enough to fight her off for it. Either way, I didn't ask for it, demand it, or otherwise guarantee it.
I went through it thinking, "Alright - what do I like? What can I afford?" and you will soon see that a fine wedding can be had under any budget. I just went to a beautiful backyard wedding where they just supplied cake and drinks... and it was still plenty fun as a guest.
Your parents would have every right to say, "Look, we don't want to help, because we don't feel this is the right thing to do and we don't support it." At that point, you say, "Fine, I will figure it out - it's what we want to do."
Her family doesn't have much money, but are going to give you up to $4K? Maybe you should wait until you can pay for it on your own - and not have to put anyone in a financial bind. It doesn't sound as if you have the maturity to get married yet. You are coming across like a child - me, me, me. Marriage is more than a party.
But I have a hunch that my parents won't pay much of anything and while I can appreciate that for many families, the bride and groom are paying for 95% of everything, it's not quite the case with my family. Both my brother and my sister had very expensive weddings and I'm pretty sure they covered a big part of the bill there, though I'm not 100% sure. I asked my mom if they can give us an idea of guests they want to include and the list is a mere fraction of who was invited to my siblings' weddings.
The underlying reason for all of this that my family does not like my fiance that much - not enough to say "We don't like her so call off the wedding!!", but not much. They adore my now sister in-law so that's probably why they could've paid a lot for my brother's wedding. And my parents wouldn't skimp on their daughter's wedding.
So that's where we are. I can go into further details, but the fact of the matter is, previous experience and observations should not rule out that my parents can/should help fund some of this, but until I get a sense of what they can contribute, I think we're in limbo.
You only have speculation about the cost of your siblings' weddings to go on. It's not "fact of the matter", but if your parents haven't offered or sat down to talk about finance, then you shouldn't be "in limbo". That's just unreasonable expectation. It really doesn't help that your family isn't too fond of her, that's just less incentive for them offer. If you can't afford it, then don't ask your mom what guests to invite. Invite as much as you can afford and those who are more meaningful to you guys.
I can't help but wonder if you're purposely putting yourself "in limbo" to delay the culmination of this relationship.
you have a current budget and the ability to save up money on your own to have the wedding you want.
However, it seems like you can't afford the wedding you want and you wish that your parents would pay for a portion of it. It seems like they aren't enthusiastic about the wedding or the woman. Is it possible that they might be right, though?
My husband's parents did not do much for his first wedding. They did not like the woman he married. His marriage lasted 8 months until he found out she had been cheating on him. The fact that they do not seem very happy for you is telling.
you have a current budget and the ability to save up money on your own to have the wedding you want.
However, it seems like you can't afford the wedding you want and you wish that your parents would pay for a portion of it. It seems like they aren't enthusiastic about the wedding or the woman. Is it possible that they might be right, though?
My husband's parents did not do much for his first wedding. They did not like the woman he married. His marriage lasted 8 months until he found out she had been cheating on him. The fact that they do not seem very happy for you is telling.
Well, I know sometimes parents just simply don't like their child's S/O because "no one is good enough for my daughter/son!!" (aka, no one is good enough for ME) but in this case, reading the OP's past threads, I have to wonder if his parents may be onto something.
[EDIT]
OK I read even MORE threads, I even commented on one from last year.
There are numerous issues between the fiancee and the OP's family of origin and they have never actually liked her it seems so I don't see that changing with them getting married.
That's probably why they aren't happy about the engagement. They don't like her! They sure don't want her as part of their family! They probably won't ever see her as part of the family either.
He's had threads from 2014 about how they have treated the GF badly (which is why she's uninterested in the niece's birth).
The teeth brushing thing just about set me over the edge. It doesn't seem like anything has actually changed in this relationship....I hate to be the one to say it but marriage doesn't magically fix the issues that have been present during the entire relationship.
I speak from experience that if an SO's family does not like you, that will not change. Their behavior and treatment of you will not change, unless the SO sticks up for you and they realize they have to make nice in order to keep up a relationship with their family member.
However, I absolutely agree that OP has a budget and can and should be responsible for affording the wedding he and his fiancee want. I would not in a million years ask my parents to pay for my wedding...if I want to get married I can pay for it myself. I don't really understand people who feel entitled to their parents' money for a big wedding. No matter what you do, you're going to be married, and that's supposed to be the important thing, not the $30K wedding that no one is going to remember in 5 years.
I mean if you can afford to spend $30K (random number) and you want to, great for you, but it's really a poor choice to go into debt or rely on someone else's money to have "the wedding of your dreams". Can't imagine starting a life together in debt like that is a great idea either.
Last edited by blind spot; 12-04-2015 at 04:20 AM..
I can never grasp the notion of couples getting married and expecting the parents to help fund their wedding.
I'm old enough to remember that the bride's parents paid for the wedding, the groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and chipped in for the alcohol at the reception.
Also, weddings were kept on a strict budget, because you just didn't bankrupt your parents for a wedding.
Your wedding was a gift from your parents.
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