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My wife & I have been divorced for over 20 years, and get along fine (so far). We are both remarried.
Our daughter has just become engaged, and it seems now the trouble is about to begin.
Dtr is 40.
I live way out of State, and I have no friends anymore in the area where the wedding will be held and I wouldn't expect any of my friends to travel 1500 miles to attend her wedding..
My ex-wife's family is HUGE. Mine consists of 2 people.
Ex-wife's husband's family is huge - and Dtr is close with all of her Step family members.
They're talking about a wedding of about 120 people. Of those 120, maybe 10 will be my friends or family.
As the father of the bride, I guess I've always thought it was for me to pay. But when only 10% of the guests will be people I know, is it appropriate for me to pay it all? And for her dress. And band. And photographer. ANd cake. And And And.
How would something like this be apportioned, if it would at all? I'm OK with me paying for my guests, and my Dtr's friends, but don't think I should have to pay for my EX's family & friends. THat would mean I pay about 1/4 of the wedding. Already heard "feedback" that I am being looked to for the whole thing. Of course, MY wife is already getting in the middle, telling me what SHE thinks I should be paying for.
I am also planning to pay for a honeymoon to Tahiti as a wedding gift. My EX wants to give them a week at her TImeshare as a honeymoon. She also wants to make then a big engagement party, although they're getting married in only 9 months. MY Dtr said she doesn't see the need for an engagement party.
I am afraid my good relationship with my Ex, as well as with my Wife, and maybe even my daughter, is being jeopardized by all of this. And here I thought her getting married would be a Joyous occasion!!! :-)
I don't think you should look at it as paying for your guests and not other people. I would simply offer an amount of money you're comfortable with, regardless of what it is spent on.
As for honeymoons, what does your daughter want? This is not your ex-wife's wedding.
When we got married last year (at 42), we paid for our wedding, but hubby's parents gave us a gift of money which equalled our wedding costs $2,000. My mother insisted on paying for our honeymoon as our wedding gift but she didn't pick our destination. Actually, now that I think about it, she kind of did, because what we wanted to do was out of our budget so we picked something different, but she wanted us to go with our first choice.
I don't think you should look at it as paying for your guests and not other people. I would simply offer an amount of money you're comfortable with, regardless of what it is spent on.
As for honeymoons, what does your daughter want? This is not your ex-wife's wedding.
When we got married last year (at 42), we paid for our wedding, but hubby's parents gave us a gift of money which equalled our wedding costs $2,000. My mother insisted on paying for our honeymoon as our wedding gift but she didn't pick our destination. Actually, now that I think about it, she kind of did, because what we wanted to do was out of our budget so we picked something different, but she wanted us to go with our first choice.
Unfortunately, daughter doesn't know how to say NO to her mother.
Liking the idea of just making a contribution, and letting dtr do the planning and paying. But the problem is her inability to say NO to her mother, so her mother might get it out of hand. SHe relly can't afford all that much on her own - my retirement pension is greater than her income working 2 jobs.
As for honeymoon, Tahiti is what they want, but EX is pushing the time share (who the heck does a timeshare for a honeymoon!).
Unfortunately, daughter doesn't know how to say NO to her mother.
Liking the idea of just making a contribution, and letting dtr do the planning and paying. But the problem is her inability to say NO to her mother, so her mother might get it out of hand. SHe relly can't afford all that much on her own - my retirement pension is greater than her income working 2 jobs.
As for honeymoon, Tahiti is what they want, but EX is pushing the time share (who the heck does a timeshare for a honeymoon!).
Well not everyone can afford Tahiti and depending where the timeshare is, it might be a good place to be.
I would take your daughter aside, tell her what you're contributing, and tell her you wish her the wedding day she wants, not what others want.
Well not everyone can afford Tahiti and depending where the timeshare is, it might be a good place to be.
I would take your daughter aside, tell her what you're contributing, and tell her you wish her the wedding day she wants, not what others want.
While I have personally known several brides who were 40 or older and NOT even one of them asked their parents to pay for their wedding. IMHO, offer to contribute a certain amount as your wedding gift or for a honeymoon and then don't worry about it any more.
What type of job does your daughter have and fiance have that they can't afford to pay for their own wedding and honeymoon?
PS. My fiance and I wanted to go to Paris for our honeymoon but all we could afford was two nights in a cheap hotel in a nearby city so that is what we did. If your daughter wants to go to Tahiti on her honeymoon perhaps she and her fiance should start saving their money.
While I have personally known several brides who were 40 or older and NOT even one of them asked their parents to pay for their wedding. IMHO, offer to contribute a certain amount as your wedding gift or for a honeymoon and then don't worry about it any more.
What type of job does your daughter have and fiance have that they can't afford to pay for their own wedding and honeymoon?
PS. My fiance and I wanted to go to Paris for our honeymoon but all we could afford was two nights in a cheap hotel in a nearby city so that is what we did. If your daughter wants to go to Tahiti on her honeymoon perhaps she and her fiance should start saving their money.
JOB = College Teacher. Adjunct at 2 schools, plus tutoring. (Adjuncts don't get paid much, and zero benefits)
I have no problem paying for tahiti, or ANY honeymoon they want. I want her to enjoy. I just don't think I should pay for a wedding that will be almost entirely my EX's friends & family. I CAN - but don't think I should but feel it is "expected" of me.
More & more liking the idea of just giving her cash, and telling her to plan what she wants. However, I fear her mother would take over :-(. Oh well.
If I'm reading it correctly, the OP's daughter is 40 years old. Does she and her intended have jobs? What portion of the wedding/honeymoon are they paying for?
I realize the tradition is for the bride's family to pay for the majority of the wedding, but isn't that more for a bride who is quite a bit younger and perhaps new to the working world?
Oh geez, she's 40? And you're expected to play the part of a little girl's daddy? Come on. If you want to contribute, give her what feels right TO YOU. And let her choose to spend it as she feels fit.
Agreed. Tell your daughter just how much you can contribute to her wedding.
Don't give reasons . Don't put it in terms of ' Only so many of my family will be going, etc". Just tell her the amount, tell her it's what you can afford and let it go at that.
Let your daughter, your- ex, the in- laws, etc. hash out the remainder of the amount.
If you can afford to pay for the honeymoon, then tell your daughter- " I can offer x amount of dollars for the wedding and x- amount of dollars for the honeymoon. That's it. " Then step back and let the others quibble among themselves,
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