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"Full time traveler? Maybe?"
(set 15 days ago)
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We have 4 kids 15,16,17, and 24 life is super busy!! So, our oldest didn't follow the stereotypical (or not so stereotypical) template of college, meet a boy, engage, graduate, job, married.
She did, college, drop out, etc etc etc etc etc has turned her life around magnificently since 20yrs old and has been living with her BF for 3.5 years now. Neither graduated college, no kids, but they want to get married!!!
We are excited (in theory), but the facts are with a soph, junior, and senior in highschool college apps, where are they going to school, cars, insurance (they are helping), just expensive teenagers there is no WEDDING FUND.
No one in her immediate family has ever done the "medium/big" wedding thing before. It has always been the Justice of the Peace or small Church wedding and backyard reception. She is okay with this sort of, but her future hubby is use to the BIG SHOW. He is the baby boy and his sisters all had the Destination wedding or 400 person reception hall wedding and that is what he wants too. So, he can show everyone he is not a screw up. He comes from a huge family while our daughters family there might be 25 of us immediate including kids. My daughter is okay with in the middle maybe "150-200" people.
Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" which rubs me the wrong way and
NO, I don't like him very much, spoiled do much of nothing 28yr old imo, but that is a story for another day.
We (as a family) went on a epic vacation over the summer to Europe for almost 3 weeks that we just got done paying that off and brought our oldest along paid her way(she wasn't expecting that). Which may be why he says that.
The fact of the matter is with the siblings where they are in life, my wife is already going to France with her Dad, Daughter starting college in Aug, the money is all allotted for this year.
I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.
Please advise the couple in question is 24 and 28.
When did they decided to get married and what's the wedding date?
I'm not much for being told by others what I can afford, what I should spend, or even that I have to spend at all. Offer $1,000 if that's what you can manage, and they can make their decisions accordingly. A wedding should never be a financial imposition on others or a demand.
Wishing you patience as you deal with the Entitled One.
As a parent with a 26 year old daughter getting married next year I understand the dilemma.
Sit both of them down and explain the upcoming costs for your family. Then tell them you can give them about $1000 as any other extra money was spent on the vacation and will be for upcoming college costs. If the young man in this situation wants an extravagant wedding, he can pay for it.
When our daughter sheepishly asked if we were planning any contribution to the wedding we explained that we planned to do so and gave her a dollar amount. Because our employment situation is unique (we are both self-employed contractors) we also explained that the amount was contingent on our contracts being renewed and work being available. She understands that as two self-employed people we also have to make our own contributions to retirement funds, etc. They also understand that we made sure she graduated from college debt-free. Now is the time we need to save for our retirement.
She and her finance both have good paying jobs and will contribute as much, or more, than we will. They can afford it. Neither of them wants us to go into debt for a wedding or hurt our own financial situation.
My daughter is getting married next year. We have a fund for her and when she got engaged we told her the amount. She was thrilled and grateful for our contribution. If there had been any hint of dissatisfaction from her or her finance, I would have been livid. Any money toward a wedding is a gift and not something they should expect as an entitlement.
So, think it through and then give them an EXACT amount you will contribute. And make sure you can give the exact same amount to the other 3 when the time comes so it's all fair. If the amount is less than they need for their dream wedding, they'll have to get busy and earn the rest. If they complain, stand firm. It's your money and you can do or not do what you want with it.
My son just got engaged. He'd prefer a small wedding. But his fiancee and her mother want a big, fancy "dream" wedding. (I think the girl's mother is planning the wedding she always wanted but never had. ) There's no way my son and his fiancee will be able to pay for anything other than a small, simple wedding.
We Googled "who pays for what" and were shocked at how much the groom's side is expected to contribute these days (who changed the rules?). On the website The Knot - the website that the fiancee and her mother are using - it says that the groom's family is responsible to pay for the alcohol, among a myriad of other things. Uh, no. We'll be lucky if 10 people from our side show up (small family, all out of state). Her parents will invite at least 100 people.
So, we'll be telling our son exactly how much we'll be giving them for their wedding, and that there won't be a gift on top of that. He and his fiancee can decide how much to waste on the fancy wedding stuff. If the girl's parents want to indulge her, it's on their dime. If the fiancee complains that we aren't contributing enough, that's my son's problem.
My son just got engaged. He'd prefer a small wedding. But his fiancee and her mother want a big, fancy "dream" wedding. (I think the girl's mother is planning the wedding she always wanted but never had. ) There's no way my son and his fiancee will be able to pay for anything other than a small, simple wedding.
We Googled "who pays for what" and were shocked at how much the groom's side is expected to contribute these days (who changed the rules?). On the website The Knot - the website that the fiancee and her mother are using - it says that the groom's family is responsible to pay for the alcohol, among a myriad of other things. Uh, no. We'll be lucky if 10 people from our side show up (small family, all out of state). Her parents will invite at least 100 people.
So, we'll be telling our son exactly how much we'll be giving them for their wedding, and that there won't be a gift on top of that. He and his fiancee can decide how much to waste on the fancy wedding stuff. If the girl's parents want to indulge her, it's on their dime. If the fiancee complains that we aren't contributing enough, that's my son's problem.
The rules changed because the bride's parents pay it all is an illogical and antiquated practice. I think each set of parents should tell their respective kid how much (if anything) they plan to contribute. And then it's up to the Bride and the Groom to supplement as needed.
And while I agree that there are things that seem like money wasters associated with a wedding, I would never verbalize that to my daughter or my future SIL. We gave them a monetary gift toward the wedding and how they choose to spend it is now their decision. Voicing disapproval of their plans would take away some of their joy and that's something I wouldn't ever want to do.
The rules changed because the bride's parents pay it all is an illogical and antiquated practice. I think each set of parents should tell their respective kid how much (if anything) they plan to contribute. And then it's up to the Bride and the Groom to supplement as needed.
And while I agree that there are things that seem like money wasters associated with a wedding, I would never verbalize that to my daughter or my future SIL. We gave them a monetary gift toward the wedding and how they choose to spend it is now their decision. Voicing disapproval of their plans would take away some of their joy and that's something I wouldn't ever want to do.
This is the best way to do it. My H and I got married last year. My father told me almost as soon as we were engaged what he planned to contribute. He said it was up to us how we chose to spend it, and that if we have a wedding to be sure to invite him . My IL's on the other hand, when my SIL got married, paid for the whole shebang and had an opinion on everything, which really bummed SIL out a few times. I'm not sure she regretted accepting the money, but it made the process difficult for her.
I'm a bit annoyed that the couple even mentioned you "being able" to afford it. When H and I got engaged, we 100% planned on funding our wedding ourselves. We were around the same age (25 and 27), so I'm not sure that's much an excuse. I waited for my father to volunteer the information to me, because in no way is it his responsibility, even though I know he could "afford" it.
You (and nobody else) are obligated for ANYTHING. You are not a bad parent if you only give $1,000, or if you give $10,000 (or heck, if you give 0). However, if you do choose to give, I would highly recommend that you don't complain about how they spend the money. If you have specific hopes for your money, offer to pay for something (dress, flowers, food, whatever) directly. Giving your opinion when it is not requested is the quickest way to start some drama.
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15,16,17, and 24 life is super busy!! So, our oldest didn't follow the stereotypical (or not so stereotypical) template of college, meet a boy, engage, graduate, job, married.
) There's no way my son and his fiancee will be able to pay for anything other than a small, simple wedding.
. My IL's on the other hand, when my SIL got married, paid for the whole shebang and had an opinion on everything, which really bummed SIL out a few times. I'm not sure she regretted accepting the money, but it made the process difficult for her.
