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Old 10-26-2013, 06:00 AM
12,120 posts, read 30,286,381 times
Reputation: 3823


Ive been with my company for 22 years. A long time ago i had a falling out with the exec director about some paperwork errors i had made. I was written up and i repaired them quickly. But even then the director took it out on me by saying "I want you at all my parties and functions or youre history"(he was annoyed that i didn't attend all of them).

at that time i refused to do what he told me and i did NOT attend any of the parties and functions (I hate them and i was always suckered into have to drive people home after which was something unnaceptable to me). despite my refusal to attend the parties and functions, the director never fired me or had any further words with me about it

fast forward to this week. I just completed cancer surgery i had a cancerous growth removed from a lung and i was out for almost 3 weeks. while i was out i got an e mail from HR asking everyone to please RSVP them about the holiday party. i sent them a message that i may be undergoing cancer treatment then and won't know how im going to be feeling (side effects can be bad) so i didn't want to pay for a ticket then not go. some of this is half truth because i hate those functions anyway but its true that i may be undergoing treatment at that time so it may be true. HR sent a message to me that they understood

i like my job very much (which is why i stay) and i have an excellent relationship with my manager. he doesn't care if i don't go to these functions and he probably knows that my refusal to go is a "**** you" to various people but he never says anything because its not important to him

a few days ago my manager comes to me and tries to get me to go. he appeared very uneasy (he knows I hate the parties).

our former exec director recently resigned in June, leaving some of the more narcissistic bullies in charge of being the acting exec directors. i fear they spoke to my manager and asked him why i wasn't on the list to go

ultimately,nobody is going to make me go to this party but i am still very furious and angry that my manager probably spoke to them. its not my job to pay for these functions and anyway in addition to my cancer i suffer from chronic anxiety. i have chronic nausea and panic attacks which can easily be aggravated by these functions and nobody seems to care. thats what pisses me off. its like everybody just assumes that because i went thru surgery with flying colors and came back to work relatively early im all "cured". far from it. my panic attacks and anxiety seem to have gotten worse, and now that cancer is part of my life i have a totally different perspective on life than everyone else

im not afraid of losing my job or anything but im furious and i don't know what to do.

am i taking this too seriously? am i stretching it and being too paranoid?

other than them getting my measly $20 for a lousy party , my attendance at those things accomplsihed NOTHING for anybody. not even the new adm inistration. they have nothing but utter contempt for me and have no need for my attendance at any of their functions

i also recently lost both parents. i am on my own and have nobody else to count on but myself. I resent any kind of bullying coercion or intimidation and my manager knows this. i get the impression that he had no choice but to approach me about that stupid party.

any ideas?
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:00 AM
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 63,113,512 times
Reputation: 26597
Sorry to hear about your surgery and hope everything works out for you. It's perfectly understandable how you feel, particularly in light of recent catastrophic events in your personal life but - and in answer to your question - just let it go. It's not worth dwelling upon or getting upset about. They've managed without you at these parties for many years and all you have to do is answer the invitations with a short and polite, "I am unable to attend" and leave it at that.
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:10 AM
Location: Stuck in NE GA right now
4,585 posts, read 11,468,700 times
Reputation: 6643
I detest holiday parties or events of any kind that are work related. I'm not Christian so I do not celebrate those holidays and resent having to use PTO on those days. I also hate those at work xmas parties that often include gift exchanges - I refuse and it pisses people off that I "won't play along" - why should I be force into a "Christian party" at work.
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:17 AM
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,955 posts, read 20,738,735 times
Reputation: 7229
I agree that your manager hadno choice but to approach you about the party, so be charitable and make the "forever" decision that your manager was just doing what he had to.

I am so sorry about your loss of your parents, compounded by your cancer.

I, too, hate company holiday parties but I used to suffer thru them. I especially dislike my husbands holiday parties, but I do go. However if I were you, since you have been seeing a doctor about your cancer, ask him to write a note saying part of your recovery is home rest outside of normal office hours. Then give it to your boss.

After a long career in HR, the best advice I can give anyone is to pick your fights carefully with the office. Legally, they certainly cannot force employees to attend unpaid social functions. But so very often, the real reasons people wind up unemployed is because of the unspoken culture misfit. So, put on a little act of social grace and thank your manager for not overlooking you and wanting to include you in the season's festivities. Tell your manager how thoughtful it is that he wanted to include you, especially as holidays approach and the loss of your parents. But, as your doctor has said -- give note here -- you are needing to continue recovering from your surgery. Not important that it's B/S, it's just a game and part of your job is to make life in the office better for yourself and everyone there.
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:54 AM
Location: NJ
17,579 posts, read 42,192,460 times
Reputation: 16197
You have to pay for your company holiday parties? That might be the most disturbing part of your post. Don't go. I probably wouldn't.
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:09 AM
12,120 posts, read 30,286,381 times
Reputation: 3823
i already told the HR head that i didn't want to pay the $$ only to find out that i wouldn't be able to go due to treatment side effects, which she understood. however, i am going to try to get the treatment postponed until January because i have a vacation planned in late December. the party is on the worst possible day--a SUnday where i am in charge and i have issues with my blood sugar and Sundays are just not the day for me to attend such events

i think that one of the guys acting as exec director may want me to give a ride home from the party to a former co worker who lives in my area and they're perhaps trying to sweep it under the rug and think i don't know about it and that former co worker caused me a great deal of grief in the past and im just not sitting in a car with her

perhaps i feel a little guilty for harboring anger and resentment towrds those at my place by not attending--frankly i see no connection at all between my attendance and the productivity of the company--unless they want my $20 so that the catering hall can be $20 richer which is really bogus

as for the culture misfit, ive pretty much been a misfit for most of my years working there tho i am well liked by many

i don't even see why i should have to thank my manager since he knows damn well there are other things i can thank him for but the parties aren't one of them

i think that since i have a little bit of character OCD, all this anger and resentment can linger longer than it should, probably hurts me more than it hurts them?

seriously tho, how can a culture misfit result in a termination? everyone is entitled to have their character flaws, there are workplace narcissists, sociopaths, histrionics, antisocials, i should be entitled to have my own character difficulties too

and we are all GROWN ADULTS, this isn't mom and dad telling us what to do, we are all adults and we are all entitled to make decisions as to how we will govern our relationships with other people
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:11 AM
12,120 posts, read 30,286,381 times
Reputation: 3823
yeah, and in my case having to pay to give someone a ride home. can you believe that? theyve been scamming me for years until i put a stop to it

maybe the reason why they never made an issue of it was because THEY KNEW THEY WERE SCAMMING ME ALL ALONG AND SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DOING IT??!!
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:17 AM
12,120 posts, read 30,286,381 times
Reputation: 3823
my doctors note said there were no activity restrictions. maybe these morons figured that im 100% and can go do their bidding. these idiots are so self centered they don't even know me well at all how can they jump to a conclusion that i am "all better"? i mean, really. just because im back at the job and "Look" ok that means that I really am ok? seriously
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:22 AM
1,031 posts, read 2,094,482 times
Reputation: 580
You shouldn't be bullied into attending a party that you do not want to attend. This is utterly disturbing! Stick to your guns, say NO and don't go, call in sick if you have to. I'm sorry about your loss and wish you a quick recovery
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:29 AM
12,120 posts, read 30,286,381 times
Reputation: 3823
one thing ive noted is that these people have a knack for wording things and posing so that youll never counterquestion them.

often they will say something like "I want you to go" or "you have to go" all the while hiding the actual reason why they want you to go (most likely because they have something up their sleeve).

it will be tough that SUnday (12/15) as the head supervisor because many people will be dressed up or leaving to go home to get dressed up and im sure im going to be asked why im not going. i will just say im undergoing treatment and that im not feeling well
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