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Old 03-09-2010, 12:51 PM
 
1 posts, read 6,211 times
Reputation: 10

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I am writing to express my interest in your recent job posting for the Water Services Coordinator position with the City of XXXXX. I am confident that you will find my background relevant to this position.
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In a customer service role, I have ten years' customer service/business experience in the printing industry. In addition to my customer service experience, I have six years experience directly aimed at customer care. For over two years in a lead roll, I independently managed, produced and billed large museum and local graphic design accounts at a local prepress service provider.

I am also familiar with residential plumbing and water distribution products and believe my construction experience along with excellent interpersonal and public relations skills would help me excel in this position. As the customer service representative of numerous independent accounts, I have demonstrated my ability to set goals and complete multiple tasks using a skilled team in a timely and thorough manner. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review.

A personal interview to discuss the ways in which my skills and abilities can assist you in achieving your goals would be most appreciated. Please feel free to contact me directly at any time. Thank you for your consideration.
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Old 03-09-2010, 09:04 PM
 
372 posts, read 1,042,226 times
Reputation: 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breck724 View Post
I am writing to express my interest in your recent job posting for the Water Services Coordinator position with the City of XXXXX. I am confident that you will find my background relevant to this position.
.
In a customer service role, I have ten years' customer service/business experience in the printing industry. In addition to my customer service experience, I have six years experience directly aimed at customer care. For over two years in a lead roll, I independently managed, produced and billed large museum and local graphic design accounts at a local prepress service provider.

I am also familiar with residential plumbing and water distribution products and believe my construction experience along with excellent interpersonal and public relations skills would help me excel in this position. As the customer service representative of numerous independent accounts, I have demonstrated my ability to set goals and complete multiple tasks using a skilled team in a timely and thorough manner. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review.

A personal interview to discuss the ways in which my skills and abilities can assist you in achieving your goals would be most appreciated. Please feel free to contact me directly at any time. Thank you for your consideration.
Your writing style is rather awkward.

I am writing to express my interest in the ____ position, which is currently posted on ______. (Now you talk about the company and set the tone for the rest of the letter).

AS MY ATTACHED RESUME INDICATES, I have ten years of customer service/business experience in the printing industry. Six of those years focused on customer care (doing what?). For over two years in a lead roll (is this 2 in 6? wtf?), I independently managed, produced and billed large museum and local graphic design accounts at a local prepress service provider. (What the heck does that mean? Why don't you just say you working in the billing department and managed account receivables and account payables)

(combine paragraph 2 with 3, this is way too wordy)
I am also familiar with residential plumbing and water distribution products and believe my construction experience along with excellent interpersonal and public relations skills would help me excel in this position. As the customer service representative of numerous independent accounts, I have demonstrated my ability to set goals and complete multiple tasks using a skilled team in a timely and thorough manner. I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review.

I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to interview for this position. I am confident that I would be able to make a significant contribution to your firm. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall, it needs some work. Again, awkwardly written. Too wordy. Get to the point. Your in the XYZ industry, You have experience doing ABC and your goal is 123. Done.
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Old 03-09-2010, 10:21 PM
 
4,805 posts, read 21,319,746 times
Reputation: 4999
I tried to reply earlier but I guess it got 'eaten'.

I too agree that paragraphs 2 and 3 should be combined. And I too feel the style is a bit awkward. The cadence of every sentence is the same, and that repeated rhythm results a pronounced break between every sentence.

One trick I learned from a writing instructor (and this applies to any kind of writing): write down, on a piece of paper, the first word of every sentence in your composition. Once you see where the repetition is, find a way to reword some or all of the sentences so that you aren't using the same word to start every sentence. In doing so, you will naturally restructure the sentences and eliminate some of that repetitive cadence. After you go through this exercise a few times, it starts to become habit and you naturally notice the repetition and correct yourself.

For example, the first words of your letter are: I, I, In, For, I, As, I, A, Please, Thank....Not only are you using the same words a lot, but they are also all very short words.

Also, the format I have used (on recommendation from a career counselor) is slightly different from blu_monk's format but the idea is similar:

Paragraph 1: brief introduction 2-3 sentences
Paragraph 2: body of your letter. 6-10 sentences about your qualifications
Paragraph 3: shorter paragraph 3-4 sentences, about how these qualifications make you uniquely suited for the position and what about this specific employer interests you.
Paragraph 4: closing statement 2-3 sentences.

The idea in this format is that majority of the letter can remain the same (assuming most of the jobs you are applying for require similar experience), and alter only paragraph three. This saves you time in letter writing and reduces the chances for errors. In paragraph three, you can add specific adjectives that you find in the job ad or on the employer's 'about' page, add salary requirements if requested, etc.

You might also want to work on a more concise explanation of your 'occupation'. In reading your description of yourself I think...are you an engineer? a call center agent? a graphic designer? There is a common thread in your work experience but I think you need to work on explaining what that is.

I, I, And, The, One, Once, In, After, For, Also, The, This, In, You, In, There

Last edited by kodaka; 03-09-2010 at 10:54 PM..
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