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1) A plane crashes on an island somewhere in the Pacific. There are 3 survivors which are soon captured and brought to the chief of the island. The chief says, "I will cut off your heads unless you go into the jungle and each bring 10 of the same fruit." The 3 survivors run off in different directions. The first survivor comes back holding 10 apples. The chief says, "you must shove all 10 apples up your a$$ without making a sound or you will be killed." He puts in 1...2...3..."OUCHHHHH". The chief cuts off his head. The second survivor comes back holding 10 berries. The chief says, "you must shove all 10 berries up your a$$ without making a sound or you will be killed." He thinks to himself, this should be easy...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..."Ha Ha Ha Ha". The chief cuts off his head. The first and second survivor meet in Heaven. The first survivor asks, "why did you laugh, you could have made it and be set free?!" The second survivor replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third survivor walking back holding 10 PINEAPPLES in his hand!"
2) “Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday’s tragedy. Nine good people who were run over on the street by an elderly woman driver. It is sometimes hard in times like these to understand God’s way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who perhaps shouldn’t be driving? It is then we must understand that God’s sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple “man walks into a bar” joke, no, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macaw to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.”
2) “Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday’s tragedy. Nine good people who were run over on the street by an elderly woman driver. It is sometimes hard in times like these to understand God’s way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who perhaps shouldn’t be driving? It is then we must understand that God’s sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple “man walks into a bar” joke, no, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macaw to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.”
Your second joke is interesting and funny in a macabre way (macaw = type of parrot). Interesting in that it shows how some preachers have to reach in order to make sense of seemingly senseless deaths.
Here is one of my all-time favorite jokes. Please do not be offended if you are either (a) a cowboy, or (b) a lesbian. It is really poking fun at the cowboy.
A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. As he nurses his beer, an attractive woman walks into the bar and sits down next to him. She gives him the look-over (cowboy boots, jeans, big belt buckle, bollo tie, Stetson) before asking, "Say, are you are real cowboy?"
"Well, ah been a ropin' and rastlin' cattle since ah was a kid," he drawls, "So, yeah, ah guess ah'm a real cowboy. What about you?"
She replies, "I'm a lesbian", giving him a wink.
"Ah what?" he asks, puzzled.
"A lesbian," she repeats. "I like women; I think about them all day long; I dream about them; they give me a thrilllllll," she purrs, with another wink. Finishing her beer, she gets up and leaves the bar.
Shaking his head, the cowboy notices a businessman coming into the bar. The businessman sits down next to the cowboy and gives him the lookover (boots, hat, etc.). "Say, are you a real cowboy?" the businessman asks.
"Well," drawls the cowboy, "Up 'til about 5 minutes ago ah thought ah was, but ah guess that ah'm really a lesbian."
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