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Old 07-17-2013, 05:58 PM
 
Location: UT
243 posts, read 585,301 times
Reputation: 244

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Looking for criticism. I know it's too full of information. It's just going to be a short story, so it may be a bit more info laden than a novel. Anyways, here it is:

"Do you remember back to December 31, 1999? Do you remember the anxiety and curiosity hanging in the air? No, of course you don’t. Nobody actually remembers it. But, you know what I mean, think back about what your family history cartridge has imprinted on your cerebral cortex. My family was nervous. Was yours? I would have to say, things have definitely escalated this millennium. Y3K will definitely change everyone on Earth’s lives.
If you ask me, it’s all that snake Gareth Mayer’s fault. The day he announced he was running for office I knew it would be trouble. I mean, what righteous motive would a playboy heir of a trillion dollar family have? I just don’t think the voice of the people of planet Earth lies forefront in that man’s mind. I think he has ulterior motives, which are that he is trying to multiply his already vast wealth using war and fear as a vehicle to arrive at his malicious goals. Gareth has the resources and the power to end the world as we know it. For everyone’s sake, let’s hope I am wrong and that this all blows over like it did 1000 years ago."
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Old 07-18-2013, 09:34 AM
 
17,529 posts, read 21,650,506 times
Reputation: 22911
Quote:
Originally Posted by soccerscotty21 View Post
Looking for criticism. I know it's too full of information. It's just going to be a short story, so it may be a bit more info laden than a novel. Anyways, here it is:

"Do you remember (back to) December 31, 1999? Do you remember the anxiety and curiosity hanging in the air? No, of course you don’t. Nobody actually remembers it. But, you know what I mean.

Think (back) about what your family history cartridge has imprinted on your cerebral cortex. My family was nervous. ( Was yours?) Very likely, your family was nervous as well. I would have to say (,) that things have definitely escalated during this millennium. Y3K will definitely change (everyone on Earth’s lives) the lives of everyone on Earth.

If you ask me, it’s all (that snake Gareth Mayer’s fault) the fault of that snake, Gareth Meyers. The day that he announced he was running for office, I knew it would be trouble. I mean, what righteous motive would a playboy heir of a trillion dollar (family) fortune have?

I just don’t think that the voice of the people of planet Earth lies in the forefront (in) of that man’s mind. I think that he has ulterior motives, (which are that he is trying) including an attempt to multiply his already vast wealth by using war and fear as (a) vehicles to arrive at his malicious goals. Gareth has the resources and the power to end the world as we know it. For everyone’s sake, let’s hope I am wrong and that this all blows over like it did 1000 years ago."
Aside from far too much verbiage in the last paragraph, almost every sentence needs work.
I have inserted my suggestions above, in bold font.

In addition to cleaning up the sentence construction and breaking it up into more paragraphs, I suggest that you hold back much of the information contained in the last paragraph. Why is it necessary to include all of this on the first page of the book, rather than introducing it more gradually over the space of a few pages?

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Old 07-18-2013, 12:09 PM
 
Location: PHX, AZ
211 posts, read 597,710 times
Reputation: 201
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retriever View Post
Aside from far too much verbiage in the last paragraph, almost every sentence needs work.
I have inserted my suggestions above, in bold font.

In addition to cleaning up the sentence construction and breaking it up into more paragraphs, I suggest that you hold back much of the information contained in the last paragraph. Why is it necessary to include all of this on the first page of the book, rather than introducing it more gradually over the space of a few pages?

I second the edits and suggested modification of the final paragraph, though it works in a sort of - tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them - kinda way. Otherwise, I'd lose all the added instances of "that", save the one preceding "snake."

I remember partying like it was 1999.
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Old 07-18-2013, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,191 posts, read 2,241,731 times
Reputation: 2590
I'd start with this:

"If you ask me, it’s all that snake Gareth Mayer’s fault. The day he announced he was running for office I knew it would be trouble. I mean, what righteous motive would a playboy heir of a trillion dollar family have?"

Those few sentences pull me in and make me want to read more. Your first paragraph doesn't do that for me.
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